I Heart Peanut Butter

A little bit tired today, was at Kelly’s late last night working on my costume for Halloween, I cut and pressed and sewed on buttons and she sewed the skirt/suspenders on etc. It looks amazing, she is finishing up the hem this weekend I am happy with the results. I have to run to Savers after work to see about a shirt, why buy new?

Having a rough day today, I have no ambition to do anything, I am not in the mood to socialize and ideally after this past 5 days, 3 weeks, whatever I am a bit emotionally spent and wouldn’t mind going home and crawling into bed and hibernating for a bit. Part of me thinks I should get dolled up and get out of the house tonight, but I doubt that will happen. I’m sad and I never really get that way, it’s weird usually I can just say “fuck it” and move on, but I guess that just shows me that this was much bigger then myself.

Thinking a solo hike is needed this weekend…Good for the soul, right?

“You can’t choose what stays and what fades away.”~ Florence + the Machine

Found this great blog post about “The Way We Were” the 1973 movie staring Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford, which kind of hits home. I am the complicated, intense gal that guys fall for, but then it never seems to work out and I sometimes wonder if this will be my situation down the road. I own this movie, time for me to sit down and devour it once more.

Hubbell to Katie: ”You hold on and I don’t know how. And I wish I did. Maybe you were born committed… I can’t get negative enough. I can’t get angry enough. And I can’t get positive enough.”

I have written for as long as I can remember. A couple weeks back I was looking through my totes of “Crystal’s Past” and came across a stack of old journals and diaries, from about the age of 10-ON. I use writing to workout my life problems, to create a timeline of events in my life for me to look back at when I am old. I sometimes wonder what will happen to this here blog, I think at some point I may have someone back it up for me so it can be printed, as I am not sure what form of technology will be used 40 years from now. This blog turned 6 years in August, amazing that I have kept it going, it has had its ebb and flows, time of great wealth in blogging especially during the loft debacle and the last presidential elections, the pride I took in writing for a political blog and it got picked up by Reuters.  Then times where it has been neglected for a week or three at a time, I try but sometimes no words were going from my head to the keyboard.

The quality of my writing or at least what I put out there for the public to view has improved a great deal, I am almost embarrassed if my post from 2005, the blog has survived one long term relationships, MANY moves, career changes, college, the house buying process (of two homes, one which never came into fruition), dating, the process and life of another short lived relationship, new friends, old friends and a million life experiences. There are times I go back and pick a month and read, the other day I picked July of 2006 only because I couldn’t remember that month, what an amazing ability to so easily do that.

I sometimes worry about putting my personal life details out there for the world to see, but I don’t believe I have a large readership at this point, I use to during the loft and elections because I wrote so much more about issues in the world then issues in Crystal’s world at that point. But the blog has always been for me, always.

So I ordered this cute book pictured above, about a Tweets worth of words can be written for each day, I am excited but unfortunately it arrived on a very emotional day for me, so the first entry may be sort of sad.

Last night after many of discussions Mike and I needed to just say “bye” for now, maybe some time apart, maybe we will fail at that, maybe we have to follow through. Either way it breaks my heart, sucks that two people can love each other so much but for some reason not be able to get it right. I have no idea what or where we will be down the road, 1 month, 6 months, 3 years but as my friend Jason said “Our story is not over”. I have loved three men in my life and funny he is one of them, and never thought I could love someone and it end up so short lived, again I have no clue but maybe just some time apart we can think straight, it was really hard leaving his house last night, when he says “Okay Beautiful, Don’t go off and get married right away” I think he doesn’t get it, it took me 18 months to find someone I would even call my boyfriend after Neil, and with Mike I am not ready to move on, I still hope, maybe more than I should that it will just happen for us. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t as we both seem to be miserable without each other, can’t seem to stay away, not contact. I have no clue honestly…Enough venting I am kind of a mess and I am almost not allowed to be a mess in front of my friends anymore, I am the “Girl Who Cried Breakup/Love” too many times… I drove home to tears streaming down my face, listening to Adele and The Fine Frenzy just to make matters worse. Come on tough girl, where are you?

I don’t get, I hate working the dynamics of a relationship in 2011. I hate the fact that I am suppose to be a 30-something gal who has her shit together so much that she doesn’t want a man (I already don’t need one). I don’t get that the new wave of the future is being together but not living together, keeping separate everything. To me this is silly, foolish and as much as I love my space a relationship with any growth potential should at some point include cohabitating. I as an independent gal, able to support myself (even when funds are tight) I am suppose to cling to my space, yes I LOVE having my own place. I have either lived with boyfriends or alone (never with roommates). I LOVE my space but I also love the ease of having someone there when you come home, some to cuddle with at night, someone who you can eat dinner with, and have that built in partner in crime. I have friends, interest, hobbies and I can fill my calendar minus a man any day of the week, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want that.

Unapologetically I am still a little old fashioned, I want a solid relationship with someone, and I want to know there is a person who can learn and count on me, as much as I can learn from and count on them.

Endless blogs and articles about couples choosing to never live together, couples who each spend a portion of a year away from each other etc. I wish I could buy into this if only because I feel this may be the way the future of all relationships is headed. But I want something REAL, do I want marriage (iffy) and I don’t want children, so I don’t think I require a lot, but I like a certain level of commitment in my life. Can society just slow down a little, I feel relationships with each other are deteriorating at a very speedy rate as of the last couple decades.

A bit of a crazy weekend to say the least…

Well Thursday night I met up with Jen in Brookline after I fed Chuck got ready, the original plan for the night was to have dinner and a drink with her then head back to Worcester to meet up with Jason at the Dive. Well conversation was going and I am also the type of person that even though I make a million plans, when I am having a good time I want the option to continue whatever plans I am involved with at the time. Also I had thrown work clothes in my car in-case this happened, well planned, so it ended up being a late night and I decided to crash at Rich’s since I was kitty/house sitting. Went to work on Friday tired but I made it.

Rich bought me a Tara McPherson skate board deck for watching Chuck while he was gone, I get to grab it tonight when I give him the house keys back, so excited.

After work on Friday I grabbed dinner, stopped at Wine Vine because they carry Taza chocolate and then met Kelly and Matt out. We went to the Still and Stir Bourbon Society event, so a tasting of many bourbons, specialty drinks made by the mixologist ( I like bars like this, reminds me of Drink in Boston) and a chance to sign up for the Bourbon Society, well I registered and then also won a $100.00 gift card to Austin Liquors. To explain I had won tickets to Rock and Shock from Worcester Magazine, which I gave to Mike and the EAC at Work 100 dollar winner for this week. I was having a real lucky week with WINNING things.

Saturday I had plans with my mother, Jim is in Vegas for 5 days and she wanted out of the house, so I met at our normal spot at the Auburn Mall and we hit up LOTS of places. We did lunch at Whole Foods and spent a good 8 hours bouncing around stores, I was shopped out. She bought me a new winter coat as my last wool dress coat was peed on by the cats, sigh.

Saturday night was a bit drama filled and I don’t wish to relive it, or most of the last part of the weekend. It sucks when you love someone to the point where you bend and bend, hoping they will meet you half way, but maybe it wont happen and maybe it will. Sunday I cleaned the loft, organized my clothes into seasonal order for ease of finding an outfit and started getting hiking winter gear situated. Mike came over for a while, we chatted and then when he left I went and grabbed dinner at the Abbey, met up with Brad so sat and chatted with him for a bit.

It’s Monday again, I am confused, tired and anxious for the next couple weekends. I have my sisters Halloween party this coming Saturday after a hike. Then the following weekend is Dive Bar- Halloween -Dogfish Head Night, Saturday is Dogfish Hangover Brunch, maybe Puss In Boots in the afternoon, Saturday night is a friends party in Brookline, Sunday is Cirque de Noir. Recycling Beer Fairy for next weekend and then another NEW costume for Halloween Weekend… To think November is filling up already too, when did my life become this BUSY.

“Love, being in love, isn’t a constant thing. It doesn’t always flow at the same strength. It’s not always like a river in flood. It’s more like the sea. It has tides, it ebbs and flows. The thing is, when love is real, whether it’s ebbing or flowing, it’s always there, it never goes away. And that’s the only proof you can have that it is real, and not just a crush or an infatuation or a passing fancy.”~Aidan Chambers

Been in a pretty weird place as of late, life at this moment is one ever evolving life experience. Completely lost to what I want, or how to obtain what it is I am wanting. Some how I believed in my 30′s all things would make sense, I would understand what it is I want and I damn well thought I would have it by now. Seems every so often life throws me off the hypothetical horse just to see if I can get back up.

I love a boy so much that I am willing to keep doing this with him, no matter what I have not once loved him less and no matter if he is broken or not, I see nothing but amazing in his person. To find someone who makes you laugh continuously and no matter how much fear you have in fully opening up, you do with little effort for this one person who just happened to walk into your life. I am confused at this moment on what will happen, Jason on Friday said to me, “you are a complex girl, you are not perfect why would you expect perfection and everything to just always work without effort.” also said he doesn’t know where Mike and I will be 6 month, a year or two years but he believes our story is not close to being over.

So I suppose that is how my weekend began, Friday night was pretzel making night at Kelly’s for the big Oktoberfest celebration on Saturday. Well Friday night became a “let’s polish off a bottle of Cabin Fever” between Kelly, Matt, Brad, Jason and I. All week even though Mike and I left it at whatever we text, I was allowing it to be casual, wasn’t trying to be up his ass, cause I want him to show me I suppose that he think about me. So Friday night Jason wanted to go out to have a cigarette so we sat on the swing set outside talking, he was telling me about his “great 1st date, who he was unsure about” and I chatted about Mike. Seems everyone but us gets it, Mike and I are just two stubborn people who happen to love each other, but need to figure out how to make it work. Jason gave me a lot of good sound advice, a critical eye at even maybe my expectations. He is a good friend for that. Well it turned into a m,e getting into bed at 3am night, knowing damn well the next day was a busy day.

Saturday morning I was in bed until about 10, ugh too much maple whiskey the night before, I swear it is the most evil thing ever created. I woke up and started my soup for party, I was making a Pumpkin-Ginger-Squash Soup, it came out pretty amazing and was a huge hit.. So here is the non-recipe-recipe.

1 1/2 Butternut Squashes Peeled and Cut

1 5 inch Ginger Root , peeled and sliced

1 29 oz can of pumpkin (I cheated was not in the mood to roast a sugar pumpkin, or just not time to do so)

1 whole stock/bunch of Chives, chopped up

1/2 large sweet yellow onion sliced

2 32 oz organic veggie broth

Kosher Salt to taste

Once the veggies, minus the pumpkin is chopped, place in large stock pot, add the veggie broth and additional water if needed to allow for plenty of veggie submersion.

Boil until squash is tender, almost mush.

Then take a strainer and seperate the stock from the veggies

I then use my blender, I add half pumpkin, half veggies and then some broth to allow for puree, I do this until all the veggies/pumpkin are gone. I then put it back in the stock pot to simmer.

This is where it gets tricky, I add a dash of nutmeg, a dash of cinnamon or pumpkin pie spice. Then I added about 2 tablespoons of Real Maple Syrup and 2 tablespoons of Light Brown Sugar, I went for sweet over savory but you could add chili powder to the soup for a little spice.

During this time I am texting with Mike, he says that his friend Ashley was over the night before and she was talking of her LD relationship and then more or less said to him that he was in love with Crystal and was a stupid boy. Most of our friends don’t get it, I believe Jason even mentioned, “So you guys get along perfectly, you can talk until all hours of the night, you can laugh and be silly and something about sex, but you question your relationship, why?” We get the same thing from all our friends for the most part.

So Saturday afternoon I headed to Kelly’s for around 2:30, helped with the end of set up and started to have a grand time, then sometime around 5 my phone gave me the Android screen of death and I ran to the AT&T store, they were not able to help me, so on the phone with the troubleshooting group and it was concluded that I would get a new phone. I had plans to head to the beach with Jason on Sunday but I was not gonna wait, and use my Blackberry minus a data plan for long. So I ran home grabbed my old Blackberry and then ran by Mike’s as I didn’t have his number saved on my SIM card. He showed me the world inside the game Rage, I then asked if he wanted to come with me to Waltham the next day to get a new phone,then maybe hit up the Spooky World Estate Sale in Sudbury.  I then went back to the party but because of the late Friday night and Whiskey consumption I was not all that much in the mood for drinking, I tended to baby my beer and I left around 10:00ish as I was exhausted.

Sunday morning I awoke and headed to Mike’s for 10ish. We stopped for a coffee and headed to Waltham, the process at the AT&T center was pretty painless then we jumped on Rt20 to Sudbury. The Spooky World Estate Sale was at maybe the late owner of Spooky World’s house, it was this amazing Mid-Century Modern home with an indoor pool. Much of the things I believe were picked over and much of it was expensive, but cool to see non the less. We then headed to grab lunch, Newbury Comics, and then back to Worcester. Spent some time at my house, then headed to Wooberry on the way to his place. I ended up spending the night, we watched Ed Woods movie and relaxed on the porch for a bit.

Yesterday was a day off from work so I grabbed lunch with Robyn and did some errands and shopping, hit the gym and knitting at Kelly’s last night with the girls. I picked up the fabric for my costume too, so excited.

Here is to another week… I hope things become more clear for me, I have no idea just yet but I am sure everything will work its way out.

“I’d rather be with someone screwed up and open about it than somebody perfect and ready to explode.” ~Ned Vizzini

I am stuck in this “I don’t know what to do about school” thing. I have 15 more classes (that includes my Practicum and Capstone) with University of Cincinnati, I have taken this term off to sit for my RHIT, which I have yet to sign up for (money) and now the results are 2-3 months out not at the time of exam taking. Or backtrack a little bit, sit for my RHIT, then go back to Fisher and finish my degree for Health Care Management, where I would need to take 22 classes and many of the classes I took for my Associates would no longer be valid, but I would have an RHIT. It would cost less to do the classes with Fisher because I have as an alum Fisher for Life which allows me 10 classes a year at 25% off cost of Tuition and I could take 2 classes at a time, instead of 1. UC is a pretty expensive school and the 15 classes I have left will cost me just over 20k more in student loans.

So many decisions…

This has been a pretty crappy last week. Between having the head cold from hell that had me in bed most of the last 5 days to the fact no matter what we do Mike and I can’t seem to get it together. I don’t remember it having to ever be this hard with anyone, it is apparent we care about each other I just think maybe we want different things. I don’t really know and maybe I am not meant to know, maybe someday down the road it will make sense, so maybe just let each other be for now, who knows.

Anyways I am back at work after missing a few days to sickness, hoping that I am well before this weekend. We have pretzel making on Friday night and Kelly and Matt’s big Oktoberfest Party on Saturday, the kegs have been ordered, the food is planned, the 6 hours of German music still exist on my Ipod from last year. This year I hope not to play Kings at the card table because that seemed to get me in trouble last year. I need to figure out what type of soup I am making, I believe I made a Pumpkin Bisque last year and it was a big hit for the non-meat eaters.

This past weekend I only got out of bed for FOOD, Abbey and WooDaddy Waffles and WooBerry Frozen Yogurt/Sorbet.

So this week I am just taking it easy, just ordered two cheap pairs of glasses from Zenni Optical, a few of my friends have and they have had luck, so why not. I will get a good quality pair soon but I don’t have the funds and my newest glasses were stepped on so I am wearing old glasses with incorrect prescription, so yeah something is needed. Here they are:

Also Sam called me last night and asked me to be in the wedding, so Bridesmaid Dress Shopping on November 13th, OH FUN.. I love weddings…

So friggen sleepy on this Monday morning, my cat (Peanut) is damn lucky he is alive this morning, he was an ass all last night, all night. He kept me awake most of the night even with me and my attempted early bed time of 8:30 because I was so tired.

I had taken Friday off from work, it was a slow week in Privacy and I was caught up on all other things so I took the time to run some errands, clean my car out, hang with Mike for most of the afternoon and then head home to get ready for Jess’s Surprise 40th B-Day party. I picked up Becca and we headed to the speakeasy, about 20 of us and the gals were able to pull off a good surprise. Got home around 1ish and in bed.

Saturday I made it to 9am X-Core class, there was only 3 of us, but it was a much needed workout after Friday night snacking at the party. Went home, painted for a bit (I think I was inspired by something Brad said the night before) organized the house and in the afternoon went to Mikes. He finally was feeling somewhat better so got him out of the house for a bit, ran to Newbury Comics and then grabbed a bite to eat. Ended up watching Star Wars (blue ray) and another movie and headed to bed after midnight.

Yesterday I had to get up early and head home to get ready for hiking with Becca and Jason. I knew I was in rough shape this past week between muscle pain from X-Core and allergies to the point I couldn’t breathe. I was not 100% yesterday, plus it has been 2 months since I have hiked, between summer and knee issues after Katahdin I was on a bit of a hiking hiatus, but I love Fall and Winter hiking so I need to ramp back up.  Needless to say I was not the best hiking buddy yesterday and I am sorry for Jason and Becca for that. It was REALLY humid (98%) so made it hard to breathe anyways. Seriously it is fall now, it can start acting like it. We didn’t leave until almost 10, got on the Marlborough Trail around 11 and then after our hike we hit up JP Stephens on 124 for beer and food. “Post Hike Beers > Sex” We ended up getting stuck in traffic in Fitchburg area on Rt 2 which sucked but ended up home around 7 after dropping both of them off. I was exhausted and was going to go to Mike’s but his boy wanted to play a game via xbox live I believe. So I headed to bed, and was not able to get a solid nights sleep due to Peanut being an asshole of a cat all night.

I am tired but have knitting with the gals tonight…

After work yesterday I ran to the market to get some items for Mike, he is stubborn and says he doesn’t need anything but seems appreciative when I do something anyways, maybe I am equally as stubborn.  Grabbed some soup, Gatorade, coconut water and some crackers for him, as he needed something in his stomach and to hydrate. Spent about 20 minutes with him but he was not up for company, so I let him be.

Ran home got ready and headed to the Abbey to meet up with Kelly and Matt for the Fall Harvest menu, and drinks. I felt a bit guilty that I was out and about and poor Mike was sick at home.

We chatted, ate and drank and I left around 8:30 to head home and relax, I have been battling some nasty allergies the last couple weeks so my head is a bit foggy right now. Not sure what the weekend will bring as Mike is still ill but I have tomorrow off and I hope he is better by then. Sunday hiking with Becca and Jason M. at Monadnock, I have slacked in my hiking as of late but this will be a good primer for the fall hiking season.

Cheers to my Friday today…

Well I am at work today, Mike has some nasty bug right now so our day in the city is being put off. Sad…first having to be at work and second not being able to spend the day as planned.

Most likely see how he is feeling by tomorrow and determine if Thursday or Friday would be a better day to do so. I only hope I do not end up with whatever he has, as I spent the night with him last night.

Here’s to a rainy Tuesday in September….

Yesterday was my brother Jay’s wedding and what a great day it was. Ran home from Mike’s first thing in the AM to get ready for the wedding, then pick up Jason around 9:30am to head to Peabody. During the time Mike and I were not together, Jason offered to be my date and I knew it would be a fun time, so why not.

We got there and helped with the final set-ups, place settings, pumpkins, name/seat place holders and so on. Both of us decided to get changed once we were there because wrinkles from sitting in a car for an hour and half would not be so good.  The ceremony was nice, the dresses were beautiful, Jason and Mark looked sharp in their suits, and the weather was perfect.

The reception was exactly what Karen wanted, she wanted a relaxed wedding without all the annoying things that make a wedding “by the books”. Smith Barn was beautiful and again the weather was perfect, allowing for indoor and outdoor seating and conversation.

Perfect Day with a couple I couldn’t be happier for, love them both and now that the wedding and house buying are all done maybe I get to see the more.

Busy weekend, and now a slow Monday at work. Friday I skipped my X-Core class because I just had so much to do, then Mike came over. I made us dinner, we relaxed for a bit then heading to Beatniks to see Keri and Craig’s band Sugar and the Cane Breakers. They call their sound Funk and Soul, or as Matt called it Funky Soul.  The four of us grabbed the corner both, had snacks, cocktails and listened to some music and I was able to get my hands on an 8×11 print for their upcoming show, it was done by Nick at Rockstar Revolution. I liked it because the colors were very Tara McPherson like.

Saturday morning we awoke and I made a huge-killer breakfast for us, and we chilled until noon time. Finally got ready and headed to his house to drop off his truck, run a couple errands, finally met Mike’s “bff” Mike on Saturday which was great, he has a soul mate friend, they cracked me up together and it was nice to finally see him interacting with his closest of friends. As his friend Mike stated, it “seems official now, since I have met him”. Mike and I then ran to the new Toys R US in Northboro then dinner at the Sea Dog Steak and Ale House. Followed by an early evening in watching Piranha.

Sunday was Jay and Karen’s Wedding Day….Next Post about that…

Last night I decided to do some cleaning and cookie baking. I opened a bottle of wine, played some music and started baking. First I made the Chocolate Chip with Oreos for Mike. Then of course made myself some Peanut Butter with Chocolate Chips. Around the time the second batch was done and the sink/counter were cleaned up Becca came over to help me polish off the wine and catch up, the shortly there after Kelly came over with another bottle of wine for us to share. Chatted with Kelly until around 11, which was nice to not feel like I had to go out last night but still get some quality friend time in last night.

It is finally Friday, 5 day work weeks suck, worked so many short weeks in the last month and things are slow at work right now, so this week has taken forever. I have X-core tonight then Mike is coming over for dinner and relax, maybe hit up Sugar and the Cane Breakers at Beatniks if we are up to it. Tomorrow making a lovely breakfast then maybe a movie, grab coffee with his friend Mike (who I have yet to meet) and chill, as Sunday is my brother Jay’s Wedding. I am so excited for him and Karen.

So decided that September is my “get back in prime hiking shape” month, the summer was rough, the heat is not my friend with hikes and seriously the shape of my knees after my solo Katahdin summit at the end of July was not much help.  So August was busy with “summer” activities beaches, camping, music festivals and so on.

Now we are entering fall and I am ready to run up some mountains, so busting my butt with the X-Core Boot Camp, the cost may keep me from being able to continue each month, but I am LOVING it. Except the pulling of my right deltoid during a 1-2 sprawl. But three times a week of this amazing workout is a good start, along with some cardio on off days.

Next Sunday heading up to Monadnock with Becca I need to make sure my knees can handle bigger hikes next month. I wish I could get a new body and start all over, treat it right and not have to deal with knee issues ever again. God without arthritis in my knees the things I could do, maybe run, or push myself hard on workouts…

Pretty amazing how quickly things can change, but seem as if they never did. Interesting weekend to say the least, Thursday after a text from Mike I decided to see him, well that was the beginning of whatever is occurring now. No matter how much I wanted to be the strong girl, he did make me very happy and after lots of talking, thinking and running things by the people we both trust, it was decided that even if all relationships have an expiration date, ours hasn’t been met yet. So one day at a time but we both know our time is not up.

Anyways Friday morning I had woke up exhausted and just not able to get myself out of bed, so I played hooky from work. It has been a crazy past month and looking forward to some chill time coming up. Heading later in the morning to get coffee and shop with my mom and get some feedback from her, I headed back to Worcester in the afternoon to get ready for my X-Core class and then Mike was coming over to watch a movie and order take-out.

Saturday I met up with Mandy, she cut my hair and we headed to the Natick Collection to spend too much on makeup it seems, grabbed lunch at the BBC in Framingham and home around 4. Since not having any real set plans I knew I was kind of tired but I wanted to go out, so I text Jason to see what he was up to. Ended up meeting him at the Dive then over to Ralph’s to see his friends band play, was home around 1am.

Sunday was a chill morning, I woke up and wanted breakfast so ended up meeting up with Brad the Abbey for Bloody Marys and yummy food. After a two hour enjoyable brunch I ran home to grab my knitting and planned on spending the afternoon/evening with Mike. He needed to finish some yard work so I sat on his porch and knit while he did so, then we grabbed dinner and just relaxed until it was time for me to head home and sleep.

So here we are Monday once more, on a 5 day work week. I am taking next Tuesday off as Mike has vacation so we are going to head into Boston to the Aquarium and some food. This coming Sunday is my brothers wedding I am so excited, I honestly couldn’t be happier for Jay and my amazing soon to be sister in law Karen. They are amazing together and I can’t wait.

“Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realise that you lost the moon while counting the stars.”

Rainy gloomy days are starting to get to me, tonight I will head home and just relax. I have seriously been burning the candle at both ends, last night I went to Liz’s Poetry feature at The Raven. Another late night followed by early am tossing and turning and 5am alarm. Yet another day I couldn’t get out of my own way.

I haven’t been totally honest on my blog as of late, even to the point I writing a post and then making it private as to not appear like my normal strong, “don’t really give a shit” Crystal, as I know people who may read what I write. But all the filling up of my time in the world doesn’t seem to make things easier for me, all the resorting back to Crystal who is better off without someone in her life, doesn’t make me stop thinking. Always been my biggest downfall, over-thinking. I mean it is has never been the case where I have been with someone who I so very much enjoyed my time with them, even if it was doing nothing, who made me laugh and feel like a fucking human once more, for me to just let it go. And to say it has been an easy decision I would be lying and to say I don’t miss talking to him everyday would be even more of a lie. But I am 31 years old and if I am going to fully invest in someone I am playing for keeps, whatever that means in my head.

In reality I want nothing more than not to care anymore, I just don’t when that will happen. So funny and so unlike me, tisk tisk. Figure dating anyone else right now would be unfair and worthless, because I honestly have no interest in being with anyone right now, well that is almost back to normal. Fucking stupid head of mine.

Lots of localized street flooding today… Can’t wait to see the state of the garage later.

Check out Worcester is Major

The normal areas are flooded along with parts of Rt 20, 290 and 190. 146 near the Mass Pike exit/ Quinsiq Village

Worcester Magazine has a great section on Fall Happenings in Central Mass and beyond. I love me some fall. Missing stART this year because of my brothers wedding, which makes me a bit sad but there are other great things to do. Can’t wait for:

October 1 – 2: North Quabbin Garlic & Arts Festival: 60 Chesnut Hill Rd., Orange. Delight in over 80 amazing art and agriculture booths; everything is made by hand or locally grown. Support fabulous artists and farmers and strengthen regional economy, shopping locally on a gorgeous farm illuminated by fall foliage. Family friendly. A $5, weekend pass $8. C 12 and under free. garlicandarts.org.

This weekend is the Providence Art Festival and the last weekend of the Brimfield Antique Flea Market.

The rainy weather is not helping my overly tired body and mind. I am exhausted and it is only Wednesday. Driving to work in darkness and rain, doesn’t make for a chipper Crystal.

Plus my body HURTS, it has been a couple months since I have done even just my Muscle Conditioning class at the gym, and here I am in Crossfit type boot camp on Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays this month. Couple dozen burpees, some tuck jumps, high five push-ups and another 8 exercises. I now can’t lift my arms or sit down, but it is a hurt so good kinda feeling and I am sure the results will come rather quickly.  So tonight I have class then I need to make it to The Raven around 9, because it is Liz’s feature at the Poetry Night and it is her Birthday.

As of right now I was going to go hiking on Saturday but I am sure I will be a hurting unit, so maybe down to Providence Art Festival., as I will be missing stART this year due to my brothers wedding. Last night I picked my dress up from the seamstress, it looks pretty hot and I can’t wait to wear it…

What a friggen crazy weekend, this morning commute in darkness and downpours didn’t make my complete inability to get my shit together this morning any easier. 3am downpours and strong winds causing rain to hit me in the face while I was sleeping also didn’t help.

So Friday I headed to Providence after work, for what was supposed to be a date, but I am not all that interested so maybe a new friend (just what I need more friends…ugh ) But it was cool, he had never been to Julian’s and it has been a long time since I had dinner there, so why not. It wasn’t his scene and at that point I decided he wasn’t my type, I was quick to judge just because he was an artist he would be into more eclectic taste of food, and such. Anyways still had a decent night, hit up some townie, dive bar called the Friendly Tap in Cumberland (I was drink Jack Daniels and Sam Adams, best quality they serve…again UGH) got home and in bed around 3am. Why do I do this to myself, I knew going into the evening I had a VERY busy long day ahead of me for Saturday. More or less this weekend turned into a weekend of too much food and alcohol consumption, one too many parties.

Saturday I was not quick to rise, got myself out of bed around 10ish, took my time to get ready and headed to my parents for the big Labor Day/Celebrate Mem’s Life cookout. The rents got a keg of beer and tons of food was supplied. Lots of family and friends, I was enjoying myself a great deal so when it was the time I needed to leave, because I still had two parties to attend, I extended my time down in Connecticut a bit longer. I headed home around 6:30, took a quick shower and was at Mike P’s house before 7:30, some drinks and conversation I believe I left shortly after 10, because I still had another party to attend. The theme is never fully book a day with three parties, but if you do make sure they all rock. I got to Jason’s, which was a Labor Day/End of Summer/Aaron’s B-day Celebration. This was a great time, great people, fire, Shipyard Pumpkinhead on tap, stolen hat (thanks Jason, it is now mine and I will be rockin it), ropes bondage (bound to happen when it is a celebration of a Goth kid’s b-day) It was full of amazing conversation, some of us old school ravers speaking of people and parties, people being tied up, sitting around a fire with good people. It was a very enjoyable evening to the point I needed to make myself leave around 4am.

Again I knew I had plans the next day why did I stay out and about that late, but I have always had an issue that once I am somewhere and having a good time, it is hard for me to leave, I am getting better about this with age, I know I need sleep so I make sure it happens.

Awoke on Sunday around 10am; shot Brie a text letting her know that I was just trying to peel myself out of bed and planned on heading to Misquamicut a little later than planned. She text back stating they would most likely be waiting until early afternoon also. So it allowed me time to pick up some beers (cans are the theme for the weekend, some Dales and Sixpoint, and I was good) gas up my car and head to the Abbey for brunch. Bloody Mary was needed before another day of what I assumed to be craziness. When it was all said and done I got to the beach around 2:30 and sat and waited for a bit at the Andrea Hotel bar watching the waves hit, the DJ was playing music and stated that just last week the patio was under four feet of sand from the hurricane, and a picture on the back wall at the check-in desk showed the hotel almost under water. Happy they were able to get it all cleaned up for the holiday weekend. Brie, Mike and Carrie got to the hotel around 4:30ish, we then checked-in, had a couple drinks up in the room, grabbed dinner, took a quick early evening dip in the ocean(it was so warm, September always is) then ready to dance the night away to the Joe Fletcher and the Wrong Reasons. A complete night of recklessness, guidos, femullets, one too many steps, Brie needing to “travel” and beach ball soccer. We slept with the door to the balcony open so the sound of the crashing waves was a great sleeping aid, at this point I was exhausted and I am sure I was the first to pass out, I know Brie and Mike headed to the beach with some beers for a bit and I never heard them come back in. I woke pretty early around 7am, so I washed my face and threw a sweatshirt on and headed to the beach, took some early morning beach pics. Went back to the room, read a magazine, and took a shower, figured I was hungry and not wanting to wait for the other folks, I went downstairs for breakfast and a Bloody Mary (theirs are pretty nasty). They all awoke around 10, we got ready, packed up and loaded all of our belongings in our cars, and they needed to eat still so I sat and drank like 3 cups of coffee and guzzled some water. I was feeling surprisingly okay. We sat there and talked for a bit, then headed to the beach. I only had a few hours before I needed to get on the road, but the weather ended up being pretty fantastic, we sat on the beach with beers, listening to the Dead tribute/cover band play up on the patio at the Andrea.

Around 3 I had to get ready to head out, an hour and half ride home plus a quick stop for food at the rents, gave me an hour to shower and get ready for X-Core Boot Camp, a lighter version of Crossfit, pretty awesome, 3 days a week for the month of September but I have a feeling I am going to want to keep up with the funds to do this after this month. Somehow I survived that last night, and almost felt better once it was done. I decided to skip knitting at Kelly’s last night because with no time at home this weekend I had to get myself situated for the work week and do some light cleaning.

What a fabulous weekend, with friends, family and endless good times. The Unofficial End of Summer was everything it should be.

(Posting pics but will add another post of pics when everyone else post theirs)

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard

The Friday that will never end, the doubt about decisions and really just wanting this damn long weekend to begin… I don’t trust myself with much, so truck on I will.

Some Julians tonight for drinks and dinner, then who knows…Happy Labor Day Weekend

A little time on my hands at work as of late, somehow my Twitter page is coming alive once more…I think once I made it so Foursquare doesn’t feed there it is more than just check in’s which is good. Not so annoying anymore.

Sleep is a luxury that I have been unable to cash in on as of late. Honestly I am pretty tired of being tired, and the thoughts of starting up on sleeping meds that took me such a long time to get off in exchange for sleep is tempting.

A day of melancholy and listening to endless hours of Morrissey on Pandora. Going to be one of those days, need some more lively music in route to Providence tonight…

Last night was the 3rd and last for this summer Movies in the Common, Rich had been bugging me to get together and once he saw that Spaceballs was playing he was all about that. So let him tag along, we met up with Matt and Kelly, and Paul and his friend Terri came by for a bit but headed out to eat. I dropped Rich back off at his car and I headed out to the Dive to see my friends and listen to some music, but shit headed home at 11:30, have plans after work in Providence tonight, so I needed some sleep.

Okay no sleep until next weekend it seems, so fucking tired. Was thinking that a quick Wachusett hike in the am sounded good but I think I need sleep and to finish some laundry (I haven’t been home much, things need done) then the craziness of the weekend begins. Family, Old Friends, New Friends, Beach, BBQ’s, Beer, Fires, Dancing. Seriously I should just take Tuesday off too.

Looking forward to my brothers wedding, Ben last night shows me his calendar and the fact he was my original date for the wedding, but told him Jason was more than happy to go so he was off the hook, he was being a good friend wanting to go with me. Plus he and Karen worked together years ago, so already knowing the bride not so bad.

Rich mentioned NY Comicon to me again last night but Columbus Day weekend is looking at becoming a pretty chaotic weekend, all I know is Saturday I HAVE to be at Kelly and Matt’s Oktoberfest Party, so all other plans need to be made around that. I think one option is camping with Jason and his friends, another Comicon and hiking and parties…

So I plan on life slowing down in November maybe???

Should be a decent weekend, lots of people and fun. Bittersweet Labor Day weekend is…

Sunday at the Beach Ball : Joe Fletcher & the Wrong Reasons

The constant news and pictures of Vermont post Irene break my heart a bit. This article in the Brattleboro Reformer speaking to Flat Street and the businesses such as Flat Street Pub (one of my favorite places to eat and drink in Brattleboro).

I LOVERMONT !!!

Serious Hiking withdrawal occurring, with fall in the air I am anxious. Been having some knee trouble since Katahdin and instead of working with it I have been a bit lazy, which makes me hurt more. So back to workouts, and starting my X-Core Bootcamp next week. September gets me back in shape, so October can be a hike filled month.

Thinking the last weekend in September or first week in October (I think there is still space on that weekend) to do some White Mountain Solo hiking, maybe stay at the Zealand Falls Hut. The hut is full-service until mid October so meals and trail lunch provided, meaning minimal gear needs to come with.

Also looking at Greenleaf so I can get in Lafayette. According to the AMC site “The Old Bridle Path is a moderate hike, 2.9 miles to the hut, takes approximately 2.5 hours, and has 2450 ft. elevation gain. The summit of Mt. Lafayette is another 1.1 miles and 1150 ft. of elevation gain from the hut.” If I go Columbus Day Weekend I can stay over Sunday to Monday for $92.00, not too bad.

Ways to Help Vermont.

Great site with ideas for ANYONE to be able to help with the current Post-Irene Disaster.

Ariel Views of Vermont towns

I really want to go help with some clean-up and rebuilding efforts, it pulls at my heart strings something fierce. May have to see by next weekend how far up I can get in Vermont, with most of the major roads destroyed. Vermont is one of my favorite places in New England, grew up being there most of my summers and winter vacations, still love the state so much.

I LOVERMONT

At times I feel like I should want what everyone else wants, maybe time and experience are causing me to want it all less. I think life is getting to fast, I think I have too much going on in a public forum, I feel like I am so unsure of what I want anymore.

But I am sure I appear to be foolish, irresponsible and impulsive in my daily actions. But hell I have an adult job with adult bills, even if I don’t feel like an adult.  I come and go as I please, I don’t have to ask permission and I am enjoying my life. Why do I feel so guilty about it, like I should be pretending like the rest of the sheep who roam this earth that I have all my shit together, you know what I just don’t. I don’t know what I want from anyone, or anything. I am just going with it right now.

When did it matter to me so much if I am an “adult”? When in my head did being an adult mean you were married, with kids and paying a mortgage? When did it seem just as all my friends are buying houses, did I want to run away from ever owning anything again, I lucked out once don’t think I get two chances. So unsure of what I want, any type of commitment seems unnecessary.

“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.”
— Marilyn Monroe

Already Monday again…

Friday I was exhausted, this past few weeks have been a bit exhausting. I had planned on running some errands and taking it easy but it seemed my giving into peer pressure is common. Headed to Kelly’s for “pre-storm” beautiful weather outdoor cooking and relaxing. Matt cooked up a storm the whole evening on the grill from grilled flat bread to wasabi beans with toasted coconut.  Liz and Paul joined for late night sitting outside, having some drinks and laughs. I had plans on Saturday so decided to call it a night shortly after 1am.

Saturday I had plans to show a new friend around Boston (food and drink) and Worcester. Stops mostly in Cambridge and Somerville, headed to Taza Chocolate Factory, Lord Hobo, The Druid, bummed around Harvard Sq into very expensive Cardullo’s Gourmet, I wanted fun chocolate (found Olive and Sinclair and the French Toast and Ramen Noodles chocolate bars). Then headed to Deep Ellum in Allston.  The evening was capped off with stops in Worcester at Still and Stir, The Abbey and The Dive.

Yesterday morning was the “calm before the storm” or so they say. Irene didn’t wreck that much havoc in Worcester and living close to downtown the electrical cables are underground, so a tree falling in my neighborhood would not produce damage as lost power. I ended up heading around 10:30 to The Abbey for brunch, met up with Doug and then Jason joined. A couple Bloody Mary’s and a most delicious breakfast, I was sleepy so I headed home to take a nap. I awoke a few hours later to make myself dinner and sit on my tush watching movies the rest of the evening. Never lost power (although some friends did) and the garage never flooded, so pretty lucky.

Here we are at Monday, I believe I have a low-key week until Thursday the “unofficial start to Labor Day Weekend”, which I already plan on kicking my ass. Thursday is the movie at the Common, Friday night check out my friends band at the Raven (or sleep) Saturday huge family BBQ in Connecticut, then Mike’s Ralffest, followed by Aaron’s B-Day Fire/Beer and Food at Jason’s until late hours of the night. Sunday I head to the beach for fun, new friends, dancing on the beach to great music, sleeping in a hotel room with WAY too many people and more beach. Let’s keep fingers crossed for good weather…

I have always had a loving relationship with BIG storms, I love them, I am fascinated by them, I am most likely the only person under the age of 50 who bought THIS book back in 2007. Seriously I couldn’t wait for it to come out, I ordered it as soon as it did. Just because of my love for storms, Irene which is expected/predicted to hit New England on Sunday will most likely just go out to sea.

I have a hike planned for tomorrow but seeing there will be showers and thunderstorms that may not happen. I mean rain is all good, but thunder and lightening on top of a mountain is not the best idea.

Sunday I decided to host a Hurricane Party which means if it goes too late I could have 8 people sleeping in my window full loft on Sunday night. So cocktails, board games, food, storm viewing and friends over. Sounds like a good time to me. Tonight I need to make sure that anything in my garage space is elevated as I am sure the rain this weekend will bring flooding of the garage, just as the garage is smelling okay again.

So will be a fun chill weekend, may head to Boston tomorrow instead of a hike, watching the weather but I really want to hike tomorrow…Maybe a 5 mile loop at Wachusett if nothing else.

Until Next Thursday September 1st 2011.

Expected bad weather tomorrow night.

“Like” Worcester Film Works on Facebook.

I am feeling again that a big change is on its way. I stepped back into my “dreaming and planning” space in my mind once more. I don’t want to move to Boston, but what do I do if I am offered the job this week in the city, that commute would get old quick. Part of me wants them to offer it but not offer me enough money to make the move. I am okay at my current job, yes I would like to be challenged more but I still don’t know where I want to be once the loft is no longer my home. But I do know I am not all that interested in living in Boston.

I was looking at pics of my friend Jen at a “county fair” in South Bay (south of LA) and still thinking that maybe I need to make a big move, maybe I need to stay where I am at until I find something out west and just do it. Pretty much would be happy anywhere up and down the west coast; it is conducive to my lifestyle. I have a good life, lots of friends and almost everything I need, but Worcester and Massachusetts is not where I see this journey ending.

I take every door that closes as that grand opportunity for another one to open, I wouldn’t mind staying in New England but I am thinking more Portland ME, Burlington or Brattleboro VT, Conway or Portsmouth NH. These types of towns with thriving downtowns filled with coffee shops and bookstores, where people enjoy the outdoors and a little less “ghetto” than the Woo. I am all about living in a small New England city; you know more than 50k but less than 100k people.

Maybe this is me trying to escape again, changes happen in my life and I either stay overly busy or I need some huge change that is inconvenient to my life, starting over again. I wish I could be content with standing still, I wish that through my blood did not run the need to move, change, grow and loss interest in the things that stay the same. I wish I was not impulsive, I wish I would allow myself to just fucking BE. I have my distractions right now, the things that keep me from thinking long enough for me to just forget. Maybe this is my major neurosis, I never said that I wasn’t broken but I do believe I am a little less broken as time goes on. I know that past experiences mold the person we become, I know my past is all sorts of fucked up, but I have used everything decision I made, good or bad as a learning experience. I just really wish things were easier for me; I wish I wanted what everyone else wanted.

This past weekend was such an eye opener, I love Mandy, she is a good person but we are so very different. With different life experiences and the way others react to each of us. I am not what American culture considers beautiful, Mandy is. I watched how guys react to her, the one guy I found to be cute this weekend, she had no interest for but when he gave her the attention I just determined that substance was not what he sought. That is me, the gal who sells herself on substance, I am smart, funny, cleaver, hard working, caring, unselfish, honest, open, and overall a good person. But I felt like I was in high school again, while I was having solid conversation with people about hiking or anything other than Brazilian waxes and a new bikini and I was interrupted because the attention to me, even though it was purely conversation with another person was not wanted. I felt like I was there to be the “non attractive friend” who would not take away the attention from her, it kind of bothered me. The only issue with feeling that way is I have a LARGE Personality and I am damn interesting, I have things to talk about and most of my friends are guys because I am interested in topics a bit deeper than “bikinis and waxes”. So it was really hard to be in that situation and I prefer not to be, hard to compete with a beautiful girls whose mission is to be “wanted by 95% of the men where ever she goes”.  Just not my scene and being embarrassed for her while she was drunk and saying foolish things, also not my scene. Maybe stick to being beach and activity friends, but going away for a weekend together unless it is my scene then maybe not.

Finally had knitting again last night after a month long break, I started a fall scarf which I am excited to finish. Kelly will be hitting the gym with me tonight, dinner plans with Paul tomorrow, Thursday is the Movie in the Common, Saturday a hiking date (I suppose it is that) and Sunday maybe just maybe relax, or head to Providence. I am tired, really exhausted because I have not stopped in weeks but these little things help me feel stable in my life when all I want to do is escape and start over.

“Your subconscious never sleeps. It is always on the job. It controls all your vital functions. Forgive yourself and everyone else before you go to sleep, and healing will take place much more rapidly.” ~Joseph Murphy

So back in the winter months there was a Groupon that a few of my friends and I purchased, for a month of boot-camp at X-Core Fitness. Well I am finally redeeming mine and I am in the September evening class. Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights.  I am pretty psyched as my workouts have been minimal over the last couple months and I think this is what I need to kick my ass back into shape. My friend Jess did this a couple months ago with her friends and stated it was intense, which makes me happy. I am not happy until I am swearing under my breath for having to do 10 too many Burpees.

Brisk on the way into the office today, fall is on its way which makes me very happy. Other than 5am darkness when I awake and pitch dark earlier in the evening, not much I don’t love about fall.

This Thursday is the last Summer Movies in the Common, here in Worcester. This week is Spaceballs, which I think is a decent choice, it seems the movies have been popular so far so maybe next year they can try this weekly and not once a month.

Spaceballs

Thursday August 25th 2011 6-9pm

Come out on Thursday August 25th for the third of Worcester Film Works’ Summer Movies On The Common Series where we’ll be showing Mel Brooks hilarious 1987 film, “SPACEBALLS”! The film stars John Candy, Rick Moranis, Bill Pullman, and of course Mel Brooks himself.

There will be live music, activities for the kids, and local Worcester restaurants will be on hand selling delicious food! Remember, Summer Movies on the Common are FREE, so this is a great inexpensive way to get out and enjoy the great summer weather we’ve been having!

“Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!”

I think I invested in my social life so hard for so long that now I don’t have to work at it, plans get made and I am asked to join. Camping Trip- Columbus Day Weekend with Jason and a couple of his friends. Looking at NY, Vermont or New Hampshire.  I am just excited for some great fall hiking and camping.

This coming weekend I believe I am hiking in NH on Saturday, but I think I need to DO NOTHING on Sunday, but I doubt that will be the case. So friggen busy. Looking at hosting a game night soon at my place, may have to wait until October with the schedules of everyone.

Wow… Monday morning came way too soon, I was also completely prepared for this to be the case. Coffee number 2 commence.

Friday I left work in a torrential  downpour of rain and hail with strong winds and thunder and lightening, if I was home this would have been the best storm ever but since I had to walk 3/4 of a mile to my car not so much. Met Mandy in Franklin and loaded up her car with my “stuff” for the weekend. Surprised in the quick manner we were able to get to Wellfleet on a Friday after work.  We got to the campground and set up camp, took showers and headed out.

The plan for Friday night was to head to the Beachcomber but when we arrived in the 7 o’clock hour they called “last call” and were in the process of setting up for that evenings musical performance. So PLAN b was to hit up her friend Joel and see what was up. We ended up by the harbor and ate at Pearl , I grabbed a Cucumber Bloody Mary (weak but good, no Abbey Bloody Mary). We then headed to the Lost Dog Pub in Orleans, this was the beginning of the end of the evening. Most of what happened that night will be a case of “What happens on the Cape stays at the Cape”. I was on my best behavior, but I had to babysit a bit and what I found non-humorous on Friday night/early Saturday morning I believed to be very funny on Saturday. Poor Mandy, but it was a good time. We were the assholes pulling back into the campground at 3:30am, shutting doors on the car, turning headlamps and lanterns on. Total assholes were we.

Saturday after maybe 3 1/2 hours of sleep we awoke, got dressed and threw our beach bags together. Stopped for food and drink for the day and headed to Marconi . We were at the beach before 9am and had a whole lot of real estate to pick where to set ourselves up for the day. The wind off the water was cold and never made it a day in which you wanted to enter the water, but we stayed until around 2:30. Headed back to camp and took a nap. We were not sure what that night would bring, so we got up, took showers and headed around 6ish to the Comber. We had a couple drinks with Joel, then the nightly “kick everyone out to get ready for the nights entertainment” So we got tickets to the reggae show that evening, Joel left (DB) and we started chatting with two guys from Upstate NY. Learned they were both young (23). Low and behold Dave and Joe ended up being our buddies for the evening. They also go tickets for the show and when Mandy and I went back into line I grabbed them to join us. Some dancing and hum some Crystal dumping her beer on someone face (I would like to say that was an accident but the douchbag who then did apologized to me deserved it), more dancing followed by “One Too Many Dark and Stormy’s” and the ridiculous time for last call and bars closing on the Cape, the four of us went down to the beach. This was only after Mandy was able to escape from Joel being a needy boy, ugh young guys are no better than older guys, just less jaded. She had to tell him I was interested in one of the guys and she was my wing-women. So the four of us sat on the moonlit beach for a bit over an hour, laughs and good times occurred. Random people approaching us in the dark and making us laugh even more.  On the way up the HILL/Dune at the beach Joe said something about 1999, and she goes “The year you were born” and we all cracked up, I think I followed with “here kiddies, I have some candy for you” pure ridiculousness.  At the parking lot we said goodbyes to the Politician and the Banker and pulled Asshole-like back into the campground around 2:45am.

Sunday morning we awoke, I took a shower because between dancing my ass off the night before and a skirt on the beach late in the night, I sort of stunk and was dirty. We packed up camp in good time and headed to Marconi again. Beach Day #2 brought on some serious color on my skin (no matter how much it is bad for me, I love the sun, love the SUN). Some boogie boarding was the adventure of the day. We only spent about 4-5 hours at the beach we were both hungry, thirsty and tired. We took showers and headed to the Beachcomber, unfortunately the comber parking lot was full so we couldn’t go down the road. So we went to PJ’s up the road and grabbed way too much food.  By now it was after 4pm and I wanted AC and home. We headed off the Cape and I was home before 7pm.  We were simply “LTD”, well would be better if neither one of us had to work today. Dragging ass the rest of today, trying to get some relaxation time in this week, I have been on the go, non stop for the last couple weeks.

“we are in bed together
laughing
and we don’t care
about anything” ~Charles Bukowski

Thankful it is Friday. Couple more hours and I am driving down to Franklin to meet up with Mandy to head to the Cape for the weekend. Part of me wanted to just chill in Worcester this weekend, between Brad’s BBQ tomorrow and Dr. Gonzo Cook Off I would have been more than busy all weekend while allowing myself some time to relax.  Jason is checking on my kitties this weekend, Julie my normal cat-sitter is away in Colorado for a couple weeks, I am so jealous.

I am sure I will have a good time this weekend, even if the Beachcomber is not my scene, I can pretty much get along anywhere with anyone. I tend to going back and forth with my thoughts over the last couple weeks, stupid things make me a bit sad but most of the time I like to believe I am above that.

Anyways off for the weekend once more, next weekend my first weekend with no set plans, but already speaking of heading to Providence to visit with Jen and maybe a hike on Saturday in New Hampshire. I need some rest…I’m exhausted but a busy life is a fulfilling life for me.

Looks like I will be closing out the summer with a bang this year. Labor Day weekend has become an event in itself, I always sit around hoping something amazing will happen in Worcester and this year I am being proactive.

Saturday the 3rd will be Ralffest, Mike P.’s 17th annual SHIN DIG, last year it was a load of fun and I wouldn’t miss it this year. Sunday heading down to RI for “The Beach Ball” at the Andrea Hotel at Misquamicut with some Boston folks I met at Tweed, they are a fun group of people, a room at the hotel has been booked and Sunday Beach, Sunday Night Dancing to Joe Fletcher and Monday Beach.. Sounds pretty rockin to me.

I believe Saturday day I will be at my folks for a big cookout/BBQ so that fills the holiday family quota…

“But I can’t love you. I can’t love you because I couldn’t love the one before you, and I wont be able to love the one after you. It’s not because you’re not wonderful, or because you don’t deserve to be loved. It’s because you’ve melted into those other ones—you’re all the same. None of the dinners, the lazy days spent in bed cradling each other’s naked bodies, the little things you whisper to me, none of it is new. I’ve heard and done these things before, the motions are repetitive, and my responses are habitual. I can’t love you because we don’t have that special… thing… that makes every one of these practiced encounters seem brand new.” ~Thought Catalog

Is this true.., maybe… It all feels the same and maybe because I hadn’t felt it in such a long time it felt new. I guess my foolish ways caused me to see or want to see more to the situation. Who was I fooling, I suppose myself. I sit and think about things , coming to the conclusion that at this time I may just be a-okay single. I wanted something so bad that maybe I allowed myself to be swayed by the attention, sweet words and accessibility. But I was beginning to loss myself in the process, at least my friends state that I was putting aside what I love to compromise with someone who would never compromise with me. It took two days for me to fall right back into my old life, and it feels good. Back to being social, dinner and drinks, conversations and music. All of it feels good. I made plans last Wednesday to head to the Cape this coming weekend with Mandy, this past weekend I just was ME at the festival all weekend. I suppose the right person for me, all this would work for. I am not slowing down again unless I want to, I am not making compromises just so I can spend time with a person. I made it too easy, I was willing to give up some of the things that bring me pure joy to have someone.  The other night my friend Mike P. commented when I started being tough girl again, “Well you seemed really happy for a bit, and for as long as I have known you, you have always been “boy toy” only collecting. Seeing you open up to someone was nice, softened the edges a bit” I would like to believe that I am not out trying to collect boys, I think by the time I met Mike (the x-boy) I was ready for something, maybe it was all about timing for me.

I don’t know what I want at this point, I thought I did, or maybe I knew it wouldn’t last so I could commit without having to commit. Who the hell knows, but I do know I like my life, my friends and the ability to maybe not have to take into account someone else’s thoughts on a matter. That could all change at any point. At this point I have the freedom, and with my near and distant future so all over the place on where I want to live, work, and play maybe it is best I am alone for now, cause I don’t mind my own company. And maybe I can stop being the tough girl but that suit came right back on, amazing how our brains function.

I believe I am going to have to make some important life decisions soon. Brigham is checking references now, and I meet with HR tomorrow after work. I was at my Operating Committee meeting yesterday and who would be my direct manager let me know to expect a call from HR and on my way home last night I did.

The position has to pay a certain amount for me to take it, due to for the time being commuting will be more and I believe about 30 a week for employees for parking. Then I would  need to make the move when my time at the loft is done. Been looking at apartment and roommate situations, not keen on having roommates as I like my space and quiet but in order to have more than 200 sq feet for 1100 a month or less I may have to. Looking at JP, Rosindale and Watertown for moving at some point. I don’t really want to move as my life at this point is in Worcester, but it will end up being a savings without all the cost of driving to work each day. Something like this sounds nice : CL A

Tolls from 146 to exit 22 on the pike : $7.20 a day so 36.00 a week. Tolls currently $2.40 a day so 12 bucks a week. I could get off the pike onto Rt 9 and save money by taking Rt 9 into Boston, as I would be working EARLY still. Parking will be 30 dollars a week at Brigham. Also it is 10 miles more each day so at 3.80 a gallon for gas, 20 miles extra at an average 25 mpg I am looking at 3.00 more in gas a day (18 a week)…. So…..

$36.00 for Tolls (144.00 per month)

$72.72 for gas (I pay 54.72 per week on average right now)(290.88 a month)

$30.00 for Parking ($120.00 a month)=554.88 a month which is $296.00 more than I am currently paying.

$3552.00 per year, so this job needs to come out 5-10k more a year than I am currently making for me to stay in Worcester any great length of time…

Still not 100% if I am getting or will take it, again will come down to salary, but the opportunity is pretty great.

I am so tired, I think Crystal time is needed very soon even if it is curling up with my kitties and watching a bad chick flick. I was going to go home after a meeting today and relax but Kelly asked me to grab dinner with her and Brad. I slept for shit last night, for some reason I was wide eyed and bushy tailed at 1:30am only a couple hours after I went to bed. So for the next almost 4hours I tossed and turned, dealt with my cats getting into everything and Peanut being a pain the ass running across me. I am overtired and moody, so I need a break soon.

Friday after work hitting the road with Mandy, I can’t back out but I really am not into 6 hours of traffic to get to Wellfleet but I said I could go, so I will go. I am sure we will have a great time and the summer is almost over. A friend of hers has a place on an inland lake in Wellfleet so we chill there and go to the beach, it could work.

I need to get myself hiking again, thinking I may see who wants to go with me next week as this weekend is spoken for. I have some fall hikes I am already signed up for, but I need to “train”.

Hoping I can sleep tonight, a lot on my mind as of late.