I got home from a decent 6 mile jaunt up and around and back down the mountain. Came home and did some more job searching and cleaning of the house. Friday night was a low-key evening, Will and I just chilled at the loft and drank some beer, I was tired from going out the night before and knew I had things to do on Saturday so best bet was to relax.

Saturday I knew I had to go down to Connecticut to my sisters to try on my bridesmaids dress, I have to say I love it, the design is so much better in person then on the J Crew website and it fit well, just need to whittle down my thighs a bit more, which I am working on. Originally I had plans with a fella on Saturday but as always that fell through so I was kidnapped by my sister for the night. We went to the Jonathan Edwards Winery in Stonington CT for a tasting and since Nick’s cousin was visiting from Finland we ended up at the casino. So we grabbed dinner at the Hard Rock, drinks at the Atrium and then the other 7 people decided to gamble a bit. Honestly I can’t remember ever rolling 8 deep from a wine tasting to the casino, but it was a fun evening. The only down side to the whole evening was because I thought I would be going right back to Worcester after trying on the dress I had grabbed the house key, so Will was locked out of the house until I got home late that night which I feel really bad about. Ugh stupid Crystal move.

Sunday I woke up at 7am to a text from Jason, ugh the husband made it up before me. Asking what was on the agenda for the day, so I suggested we grab breakfast and then head to the Providence Auto Show, which he was game for of course. He picked me up in the Thunder Wagon (the damn Jeep is loud) and we hit up Blanchard’s for breakfast, then off to Providence to look at some pretty new cars. My top favorite cars of 2012, would be:

• 2012 Ford Focus Wagon (Black with Black Wheels, Swooon)
• 2012 Acura TSX Wagon, NO AWD option
• 2012 Cadillac CTS-V Wagon
• Then to add to the list, the Bumble Bee Camaro, The header orange Challenger, and the lime green Porsche Cayman R.

After the auto show, Jason needed to run by Providence Tattoo to chat with his buddy about his half sleeve he is getting done and some cover work for his other arm. We then grabbed some tea and headed back to Worcester. I had to do some grocery shopping, badly so I went to Trader Joe’s and spent a bit on food last night and then relaxed with some beers with Will at home. It has been really nice having him here, I will hate to see him leave when the time comes.

Today I focused on work search, school registration and getting my life in order some more. Tomorrow morning I may go for a hike because I can, seriously WHY NOT?

I have already started applying, maybe about 20 positions between Worcester and Burlington VT. Everything from consulting jobs with EMR developers to Privacy roles in larger hospitals, as I loved my Privacy job. I have registered for classes next month back at Fisher College and been getting my life a little bit more organized. I have been so BUSY the last 6 months or so with life that so many things I normally stay on top of have fallen by the wayside.

So here is to clean slates, no boyfriend, no job and maybe some no home. Why am I okay with all this, I will never know.

So the almost perfect roommate situation possibility has come up for me in Boston, the price is right, it is a huge apartment I would share with a person I already know, in the right neighborhood (JP). Would take me 15 minutes to get to work, cut my daily commute by 60 miles, allow me access to new opportunities in the city, ones I would not take at this time because additional commute from Worcester just does not make fiscal sense or time sense. I could meet new people, make new connections and all those boys who don’t date anyone west of 128 enter into my dating zone. I would be living in BOSTON, hello. Plus JP has an amazing amount of green space, parking and access to everything by train.

Why I hesitate is simple, what Worcester has become for me. I almost think people think Worcester when they think Crystal, I have always been its biggest advocate. I have solid friendships, ones I treasure and although I wouldn’t see them as much I know that the time we spent together would be solid. I have no issues with going to Worcester on the weekends and I have friends who would gladly spend time in the city with me, I mean they already spend tons of time in Boston. It would be the no more, “Let’s meet at the Abbey for dinner” or (UGH) “I wanna grab a beer at the Dive and listen to music”. I understand Boston has an amazing music scene, endless supplies of good beer and amazing bars. It would be me reestablishing myself, which is both exciting and scary, the older you get the more this is overwhelming.

I am going to check out the apartment on Monday after work, if it works out I may jump, why not right. In the day in age where Facebook keeps us all connected, and being 40 minutes from my friends, I think I can handle the move, while adding some free time to my life and the chance for new opportunities.

Thursday I had plans to get pedicures with my friend Jess, which we did in January, in the rain (?) this has been by far the weirdest winter so far. Very mild to this point, tomorrow being February that could all change, all of a sudden we can end up in the middle of snow and darkness. Before pedicures I had grabbed something to eat at the Abbey, and Mike joined me for a half an hour, and crazy gal I am I went by his house after pedicures and skipped out on going out with the crew and slept instead.

Friday evening was a low-key evening, Will and I grabbed pizza from Pepe’s and beers from KJ’s and decided to play music, dance around the loft and eat yummy food. I needed to get to bed at a decent time as my alarm clock was set for 4:30 (on a Saturday) to head to Vermont. That alarm went off far too early, but I was up and out of the house by 5am heading north to Stratton to work at the Romp the Stomp Snowshoe Series, a fundraiser for breast cancer research for the Susan Koman NH and Vermont chapter. It was a great day with some awesome people, in the 30’s and sunny and all the walkers’ and racers raised just over 90k dollars. It was about 130 miles each way so the nice drive through Vermont took about 2 ½ hours each way getting me back home around 4:45pm. I had seen that Kelly and such were heading to the Abbey to play games and eat food, so I had told Will to meet them and I met them all once I was back in Worcester. I had a cocktail and then headed home, Will and I decided on Chinese takeout for dinner and I was in bed around 9pm, seriously had been a long busy day.

On Sunday I had made plans with Mike, good or bad I made them. I had purchased back in the early fall two passes for the aquarium on Living Social, they were originally for us to go and they were going to expire so we went. I picked him up around 9:30 and we headed to Boston, caught an IMAX Sharks in 3D movie then cruised the Aquarium and pet some Rays. Then headed up to the North End and had lunch at Gennaro’s where I had some Gnocchi and he had Ravioli and we drank a bottle of wine at 1:30 on a Sunday afternoon. We then walked over to Mike’s Pastry and spent like 23 bucks on cannolis, how often do I ever head into the North End it was worth it. I had been in contact with Scotty B as he was in the city for the weekend and we arranged to meet up to say HEY. He had a few delays but ended up meeting us at Joe’s over by the Waterfront for drinks and catching up. Ended up getting back into Worcester around 7ish and chilled for the rest of the evening. Discussion had to be had, this on and off, having a great day followed by questions of “what the hell are we doing?” needed to be addressed. I was ridiculed for not waiting until another day to bring this up, but honestly I can’t just “let is go”. It seems two people can love, care and want to be together and it never seems to work, there is one who wants more, and one who wants just something different. In most cases love is not enough, not matter how strong you feel for someone if you are moving in two different directions, if one wants to live for a living and the other prefers to be a spectator it can never work. It is sad, it sucks but what can I do? If I was 25 year old Crystal I would have caved in, compromised until I was no longer happy but I am 32 year old Crystal who not only has a lot to offer, really would like to be able to without fear. This situation came to a head yesterday where I was then made out to be the bad guy for spending a great day and then deciding that it won’t work, ironic.  One Great day does not make a great long term relationship, we always respected and cared for each other, good days can happen, without much thought. I need more, I need someone who loves and will do what it takes to be with me, I am not a demanding gal; I don’t want all the marriage, kids and white picket fences, just someone to make memories with, enjoy life and a relationship without set boundaries and rules.

Yesterday I had woke up, after maybe an hour of sleep with one of the worst headaches I have had in some time. I decided my head hurt too much as I couldn’t even keep my left eye open so I called in and went back to bed for 4 hours. I awoke feeling a little better and decided I did not want to waste the day. Will had the day off so I mentioned maybe we should head out and show him a new place. So we headed to Providence, we grabbed tea and people watched at Tealuxe, walked up and down Thayer Street, went down to Westminster Street shops in Down City, then headed to the mall and over to Julian’s to have dinner and Bloody Mary’s. I think I may have Will as much in love with Providence as I am, and after my escaped of text from Mike all day we chatted about me moving to Providence. Still close enough to my friends in Worcester, same commute to work (unless I start looking in Providence) and far enough away to maybe make it so Mike will give up on us for good. Getting back into Worcester just in time to grab my knitting and head to Barnes to meet the girls, it was a very interesting day. I love playing tour guide for people in a new city.

Back to work today, I need a vacation

2011 was a very interesting year for me, I had been “single” for about a year and half when I met Mike. He wasn’t at all what I thought I wanted, I continuously found fault in order to not get close. Because in reality I love dating, even if I say I despise it because usually it is what follows a few successful dates with someone that scares the living shit out of me. I am not as strong as many think I am, I put faith and trust in people that I start to care for. The easiest thing I can do is not fall in love with someone, the hardest thing is to fall in love.

I keep telling myself that I am over him, until he contacts me and once again all the feelings I had rush back and I miss him all over again, I want to touch, laugh and be with him all over again. I know it will never work, he will always want to hold onto his independence and never fully allow something amazing. He contacts me and nothing has changed, he has not had some huge epiphany, he has not thought about the potential with me in the long term. As much as he may love me, he loves his freedom even more. I never doubted his feelings for me, but I also was not enough to break him of what holds him back the most, fear.

He says he doesn’t read my blog as he fears seeing me with someone else, but then again a text perfectly timed after I wrote a post yesterday that I have since made private. Or for some reason we are so connected that he just knows, because the timing is always so wrong/right. I just had a discussion with my brother and Karen last night that I haven’t heard from him in a couple weeks,and it was about due time for him to reach out again.

Until the message states that he is willing, able and wanting to be together minus the fear holding him back, it will always be the same. This has been one of the hardest issues in recent years because you have little control over who your heart belongs to, to walk away because I am not getting what I need was the hardest thing I have ever done. He knows this and sometimes I believe it is so unfair of him to do this. Makes me feel half sane knowing he is also thinking about me. Sometimes love is not enough, and this is one of those cases, and it sucks.

All of this is why it is mostly unfair for me to date anyone, even if I felt like I was able to connect with someone else, I would always have this to deal with.

This Saturday I am awaking early in the am to head up to Vermont to volunteer at Romp the Stomp, a snowshoeing fundraiser to support the NH/VT Susan G Korman affiliate. It will take place at Stratton Mountain, a 3 and 5k Snowshoe walk and a 3k snowshoe run. Tubbs will be hosting the event. If I was better at raising money and didn’t mind asking my family and friends for donations I would have so participated in the walk. But I am doing what I do best, volunteering my time.

Maybe a quick stop in Brattleboro for an early dinner on my way home… Sounds like a pretty decent Saturday. If I could figure a cheap place to stay I could get a hike in on Sunday morning. Hiking at Stratton Mountain.

“There are two kinds of climbers, those who climb because their heart sings when they’re in the mountains, and all the rest.” — Alex Lowe

I went with the Merrell Barefoot Run Pace Glove . So far I have worn them to MELT- Barre Class and yesterday to the gym. Only issue so far was the muscle cramp in my right foot the whole drive home from the gym yesterday, going to take some time to get use to them.

I hope to use them a ton before the spring for workouts etc and then come spring try them out on the trails, we will see. As a person who HATES wearing shoes these may just be the perfect match.

Friday I got out of work early and headed to a cleaning at the dentist, very exciting to say the least. I was back in Worcester at a decent time to grab a coffee and wait for Will to get out of work so I could give him a ride home. Relaxed at home for a couple hours then decided on Corner Grill for dinner.  I am on a mission to show Will all the great places, things and people that make me stay in Worcester. So pizza at Corner Grill is almost mandatory. We headed to Corner Grill and ordered the Baked Potato Pizza minus the bacon. Soon Matt joined us and Kelly when she got out of work. We sat for a bit then decided we would go over to Kelly’s for games, drinks and laughs, in that exact order too. First Will and I hit up the newest FroYo establishment in the city and tried their frozen yumminess. Then headed to Kelly’s  where we played Munchkins, Guillotine, and Small World. It was a serious game night when you start Small World at almost 11pm.

Saturday was already determined to be a “Snow Day” also a not feel guilty for sleeping until almost 11am, my reasoning being I haven’t had a decent nights sleep in over a week from my coughing. I woke up, did a little house cleaning and then Will and I decided to go to WooDaddy to grab breakfast. I had the Cornbread Waffle smothered with Vegan Chili and Will had the Gravity Waffle which was a Carrot Cake Waffle with Cream Cheese Frosting. After brunch decided to drive around Worcester, run a few errands and make a couple stops for tea, chocolate, look at comic books and smoothies at Nu Café. At this point I was still feeling a tad ill and not full of my normal energy so we headed home. The afternoon and evening became cleaning, organizing and relaxing time. Originally thought maybe Kelly, Matt, Jason and I would head to Beatniks to see Sugar and the Cane Breakers but we all decided to stay in and warm on a cold night.

Sunday morning we had planned on brunch around 11 at the Abbey. This time of year it is slow enough that a party of 6 can get a table when they walk in, I love it when it is like that. Will and I showed up and I ordered my standard Bloody Mary (Spicy- Spicy, Peppered Rim, Two Olives and a lime) and we waited for the rest of the group. Kelly and Matt showed up and due to a car issue with the new Jeep, Jason was late and as normal Brad was late also. Good Food and Good Laughs (really I think that is what life is about) Will had to head to work and the rest Kelly, Matt, Brad and I headed to Jen (Boobs) Pampered Chef party. We enjoyed food, wine and all bought some always needed kitchen gadgets. I ordered a new plastic bit for my Food Chopper and a pizza stone.  After the PC party we headed back to the cars and noticed that Brad’s car had been towed, so I gave him a ride over to Pat’s (ugh) and he was able to get his car. I had already made plans to help Jason find some new clothes, so ran to his house and we hit up a couple stores, at this point I became even more jealous of the ease of male clothes shopping. He found like 6 great shirts and two pairs of jeans in just over an hour. Once I got back to my car I went to Starbucks to grab a hot chocolate and visit with Will for a bit. It has been nice having my cousin up here, and between my friends and I we are trying to get him to stay; he is a great addition to the group.

It is now Monday and I am overwhelmed with my busy but fun filled week. Tonight I need to go to Connecticut and check out dresses with Samantha, tomorrow evening I seem to overbooked myself between Knitting, Worcester Foodies Dinner at Bocado and MELT- Barre Class. Wednesday evening I have dinner with my brother and Karen, Thursday is pedicures with Jess, MELT- Barre Class and I am sure out and about as it is Matt’s b-day and I need to make it to the Dive. Depending on my health will depend the weekends plans, I also may be overbooked by a possible Garfield hike on Saturday and Volunteering in Vermont for the Tubbs Breast Cancer event.

Tentatively planning to hike Garfield this coming weekend. It really is going to be determined by my ability to handle exertion without coughing which as of today is not happening.

I really want to get up north this year and do some serious hikes, I dream of this, I may do a hut-to-hut in the spring solo, I think due to my need/want to take my time I will continue to do solo hikes.

Philip who writes for his blog Section Hiker is my ideal, he is just an ordinary guy who tends to push himself a little bit everyday. I read his blog faithfully and after hiking with him on Cabot in December I can put the person I hiked with the person who writes about his adventures, and I can learn from what he has already done.

I really want to do the 100 Mile Wilderness this summer and hope my brother is able to do it with me, it is strenuous and I need that moral support I think in order to do it, not sure I would push through on my own, but it would be a true test for me to see if I can handle longer solo backpacks.

Sigh…I need to be on top of a mountain soon.

This hasn’t been the best of weeks for me, not how the year was suppose to start, plus sickness took over this week. The death cold that never goes away. I have done very little of anything other than work which is starting to get the best of me, I need to move, I need to see friends. Why I was born such a social creature has always puzzled me, content alone for long periods of time I am not and if I need to be sick I am happy that Will is staying with me. My built in confidant, entertainment and a friend. The funny part is since Will and I didn’t grow up together we are more friends then cousins but having the screwed up family we have in common only makes it a better connection. It has been nice having him up here.

Last night I checked out the MELT- Barre Class at X-Core with Jess, I was in love, Barre takes the principals of ballet, yoga and palates and combines for a low-impact, fat melting, toning workout. I bought a 5-punch card to give it a real try and may continue if I keep liking it.

This weekend I need some friend fixes, I may head to the Firehouse tonight to see some bands play, tomorrow I have pedicure and drinks planned with Jess and maybe some plans with Kelly, sending Will and Matt on a play date. Sunday if I can get this cough to go away head out for an early morning snowshoe/hike and then my friend Jen (aka Boobs) is having a Pampered Chef party, I need a new pizza stone. Hopefully will see the husband somewhere in there, I am starting to miss him.