OMG…The last couple weeks have been insane, busy and emotionally tolling.
So between mid-week dinner parties with the best of friends a gal can have, amazing uplifting and fun. To trying to navigate the 3 month marker of Matt and I’s relationship, it is seriously a tough spot, he works so much cause he has to but not finding fulfillment within his work right now due to a partner he has little patience for and the new schedule it takes its toll on other parts of his life, namely on us. But I have stepped back, trying to learn how to “Go with the Flow”, which for me is a hard concept to grasp. I want to make sure I have always done everything in my power to have a positive outcome, but at times doing everything I can causes a negative outcome. I want to be with Matt, I would rather spend less time with him, than more time with anyone else, not that I wouldn’t love to have more dedicated Matt time, but right now that may not happen. But why would I want to give up on something that brings me happiness. He is a stable, strong, man who is the complete opposite of any man I have ever dated, been with in a relationship etc. While I have seen the tears of all my ex boyfriends, I have not seen any on Matt, and not because he doesn’t feel it, he is just not the emo-spill-my-guts-out kinda guy. Which is both awesome and confusing for someone like me cause I am use to it the other way around. Sometimes my personal anxiety is my worse enemy as I feel we had a great night the other night, he came over, he left when I had to get ready for work yesterday, it was all good. Yet I start worrying through out the day, picking apart something he may have said or didn’t say. I need to work on this, cause I am dumb, because it was a great night, WTF is wrong with me. This whole issue has occupied my brain a great deal in the last two weeks, I worry that I can give more than he can right now, and if I want to be with him I need to know this is how it may be for awhile, does that I mean I don’t hold him accountable for his part of the relationship? No, what it means is I am going to be the happy, supportive girlfriend that I should be, his issues are not with me, he explained that the other night. The other night I had a light bulb moment, It was straight out of “Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus” where I was talking “feelings” and “us” and he was talking “concrete problems” and “not us” and yet I still asked a question “Well nice you tell me about X,Y, and Z, but what about A,B, and C?” and as soon as he said “I just sat here and spilled out what is wrong”, I went “Aha, I get it”. I am so use to communicating with men who act more like women than I do that once I meet the guy who is a true guy communicator I am confused. His issues are NOT with me, but his issues affect every part of his life, so him committing to leaving work at work and me stressing for the last time what I need to feel at least wanted/appreciated within our relationship, I was then done with discussing. Done with talking about our relationship, at least about these issues and I am just going to work on being Happy, Supportive, Spirited Crystal that he can’t get enough of, because as my old Americorps leader told me ” I have such a strong personality that others feed of it, so if I am happy they are happy etc” I finally found a guy who I believe I can have a future with, I just need to learn to “Go with the Flow”, again a very foreign concept for me. Excited because we are heading to the Cape tomorrow for a weekend of camping, he felt it was important that he gets away for the couple days, some kayaking, biking, fire making, Smores eating, relaxation. Maybe he will even get some fishing in.
Last weekend was my brothers wedding, I am not going into tons of detail because it was a busy weekend, I went to my sisters after work on Friday to spend the night with the bride, set up what we could at the country club etc. Saturday was a long day, I was up at 6am and the wedding was not until 5:30pm, so it was a day of cocktails, food, hair being done, dresses being tied (damn corseted backs) and so on. It was a great time, no drama, no issues and everyone was happy. Congrats to Mike and Samantha !!!
Sunday I got some hiking in with Becca in the morning followed by brunch at the Abbey and a run to the Farmer’s Market. I got home and took a shower then Kelly called me cause she was returning my kayak, so we went and grabbed WooBerry and then hit up EMS and Wegman’s, I then went to her house for dinner.
Monday evening Matt and I got together to “figure shit out” he had to work the overnight that night and Tuesday so we planned for him to come over on Wednesday, which he did. Been planning and packing up for our weekend at the Cape, I honestly can’t wait. We both need a relaxing weekend. Stupid me when I believed our backpacking trip was going to be so “romantic”, fuck that it was hot, I was tired and my heels were bleeding and we both stunk. At least with this weekend we can take it easy and just enjoy ourselves, I suppose not everything we do needs to be extreme.
Well signing off, I am hoping that this weekend opens a new chapter, allows for growth, as Matt said last week maybe we need to go through this now to be stronger later. I think it may be normal, we are at the point where we see the “true” person, it is a scary pivotal point where you make the decision to accept another and to move forward. Maybe what I thought I needed, I don’t need, maybe it is my own personal insecurities, my own list of “who done me wrong” in the past coming out to play now. Matt is NOT anyone I have been with before, he is independent, smart, suffers from no co-dependency issues, strong, hardworking and a pretty great guy. I can’t expect from him what I have had in the past, but it will take some getting use to.
