I am only human, but yet I have made myself 100% vulnerable to very few men in my life, always going out of my way to protect my heart. Questioning of whether I have a heart has occurred and I have to say, I have so much to give someone, that the pain I entail when it doesn’t work out is more then I ever want to deal with. So doing the best to not allow my heart to be taken in the first place.
2011 was a very interesting year for me, I had been “single” for about a year and half when I met Mike. He wasn’t at all what I thought I wanted, I continuously found fault in order to not get close. Because in reality I love dating, even if I say I despise it because usually it is what follows a few successful dates with someone that scares the living shit out of me. I am not as strong as many think I am, I put faith and trust in people that I start to care for. The easiest thing I can do is not fall in love with someone, the hardest thing is to fall in love.
I keep telling myself that I am over him, until he contacts me and once again all the feelings I had rush back and I miss him all over again, I want to touch, laugh and be with him all over again. I know it will never work, he will always want to hold onto his independence and never fully allow something amazing. He contacts me and nothing has changed, he has not had some huge epiphany, he has not thought about the potential with me in the long term. As much as he may love me, he loves his freedom even more. I never doubted his feelings for me, but I also was not enough to break him of what holds him back the most, fear.
He says he doesn’t read my blog as he fears seeing me with someone else, but then again a text perfectly timed after I wrote a post yesterday that I have since made private. Or for some reason we are so connected that he just knows, because the timing is always so wrong/right. I just had a discussion with my brother and Karen last night that I haven’t heard from him in a couple weeks,and it was about due time for him to reach out again.
Until the message states that he is willing, able and wanting to be together minus the fear holding him back, it will always be the same. This has been one of the hardest issues in recent years because you have little control over who your heart belongs to, to walk away because I am not getting what I need was the hardest thing I have ever done. He knows this and sometimes I believe it is so unfair of him to do this. Makes me feel half sane knowing he is also thinking about me. Sometimes love is not enough, and this is one of those cases, and it sucks.
All of this is why it is mostly unfair for me to date anyone, even if I felt like I was able to connect with someone else, I would always have this to deal with.