I had this discussion with a girlfriend the other day, that sometimes I feel as I was programmed wrong, I do not crave or even entertain the idea of life like most. I have owned a home and I never really care to do that again. I have been domesticated to the fullest ability that I know how, and I felt trapped. Only recently have I rediscovered what I loved about myself years ago, I really enjoy life. I love to meet new people, for no matter how long they come into my life at least I had the opportunity to meet such a person. I have been spending time reconnecting to some fantastic people whom I may have avoided because I was not very happy the last couple years. But I sometimes feel as there is something wrong with me. Shouldn’t I want to the husband and the kids and the cute sedan with the dog sticking his head out the window. Shouldn’t I want more?
Not really sure, I sometimes think that if I meet a like minded individual, which for me can be really hard, I would feel as though there was nothing in the world that could change my mind and I would want to make my life with them forever. I know many who will be like “Crystal, you have been in LTR, you can do it” But maybe my reasons for staying were more for not wanting to hurt (myself or the other person), or for once I really liked the stability that it offered. Once the stability turned to feeling crushed and not enjoying life, I start to withdraw and withhold my love for that person. Maybe physically or just emotionally. I am not one to tell anyone how I feel about them, never been good at it. I have never told a person I loved them first and many times the first time I say it, it almost seems forced. Maybe because I am afraid the person will not care for me if my feelings are not put out there for the world to see.
I have thought for many years, maybe since my teen years that I could promise someone I love them today but not tomorrow. So the idea of marrying someone, never meeting someone new, never experiencing new again. This may make me hate the person I am with. I am a free-bird and although I can get comfortable with someone, I still really like having the choice on when and how we spend our time together.
A couple years ago I read this great article in Utne Reader about this couple that had been married for 25 years and never lived together. They had condos near each other and never kept more than a robe at the others house. They were happy because they could choose when they spent their time, but they still have the committed and connected relationship. That always sounded so perfect to me, but how do you meet that person who is also secure in themselves and the relationship to allow that. Most people think I am crazy for even suggested such a thing.
So when will I figure out what I want, or will I be like SATC and be a 40-something promiscuous lady who never wants to settle down.
To wrap this up, I have been thinking and next fall I am moving. Not 100% to where yet but I need to get out of Massachusetts. Maybe Colorado (Again, but looking at Ft Collins) or Long Beach (My friend Jen would LOVE this) or the Pacific Northwest (Seattle, Vancouver, Portland) The fast paced life in Massachusetts really doesn’t suit my needs well, I miss the laid back life of the western United States. The next few months I need to concentrate on finishing up class, studying and sitting for my credentials and getting bills paid down. But by having something to look forward too I keep on trucking, and that will get me through this winter.