What the hell happened with the last 11 months?
I love reflection, I love looking back into a time of my life that really in essence went by way to quick. As the calendar years flip quicker than I gain grasp on my life I am thinking I will be 30 in just over 12 months. I have 18 days until I am 29, and for what it is worth I am not sure what 29 should be for me. I still feel young, and most people think I am 21, don’t I wish, all the things I would have done over again. I am only now getting the main portion of my college education because my life just didn’t go the storybook way.
I have friends that I envy their lives because it seems so much more adventurous than my own. I own a home that is only worth 2/3rds of what I have a mortgage for. I haven’t traveled at all in the last two years. Hell I live a pretty boring life right now, so I dream. I am hoping that the hard work I am putting in for school and working my butt of at work will at some point prove to be valuable. What if all I am doing is ringing up student loans and working for a company that in the end will not show they have the need or respect for individuals time outside of work. I really don’t know.
The last two years I have done less craft projects than I could count on one hand, I have not drawn anything, I have not watched my quota of foreign films and dressed to excess. I worry that 30 for me will be no more than losing who CRYSTAL really is. That scares the living shit out of me. I have no real “close” friends anymore because I couldn’t deal with their drama or wait there is no “or”, I just couldn’t deal with the drama. I think I have forgotten how to make new friends because outside of work and school I have “zero” time for anything, never mind trying to make new friends. I worry that my constant busy-ness will affect my relationship because I have so little time.
So I am confused and dealing with having to be an adult but really being who Crystal has always been. I now look at younger people and roll my eyes at their outlandish behavior while still trying to hold onto the element of surprise that comes from me onto others.
So I think as the year comes to an end I need to focus on how to get Crystal back, to bring the life and creativity that made me who I was back.