I Heart Peanut Butter

It has been a very hard past say month for me. Been a bit on the stressed out side. It’s ok I will make it thru it I always do.
Between work and always having to be the strong one I am not sure if I can be the that strong anymore. I will try!!!!!!!!!
So today is Saturday and after feeling like crap yesterday, getting my Dr. to give me some drugs and getting all the normal weekend chores/errands complete last night I can now try to relax.
Telling the doctor that I have two jobs she thought that was the making of my stress but to tell ya the truth, The Want Ad is a breath of fresh air in my daily life. Yeah being out and about Mon- Wed from 5am until 9:30 pm makes for a long day. But The Want Ad times goes by quickly and I like the laid back atmosphere.
Well not much else to write today , gonna drink my coffee, update the new blog and get ready to go to CT to see the rents for a bit…
TOODLES

Neil and I last year Accidentaly came across this old abandon factory building. The one thing that makes it funny is for many years I lived within 500 feet of it and as a teenager I was always getting into something. I loved to explore and yet I never came across this building

So it is week 2 of 2nd job world…
This week is Neil’s first week so soon we will be making the big bucks.
Just trying to figure out how life will fit in the few hours we have left of it.
The gym…..needs to happen at 5am
Laundry- I wish I had hookups int he house
house cleaning- with never being home it will not get that shabby
relaxing- always needed….
I will keep it up to date
Hope soon a nice trip to an exotic local will be in the plans. I NEED A VACATION

Sometimes I wonder if my sexual appetite is healthy. sometimes I wonder if I use sex as a bonding agent and not just shared love.
Awhile ago Neil and I were going to start a sex blog, something to enter erotica, sexual reviews, porn reviews and so on. We haven’t it yet.
Yesterday I was cleaning out the closet…don’t ask…what a headache…
found a box with writings and such of mine from years ago and found a 4 page “erotica” story I wrote about a girl and her brother back when I was 16. I have always had a twisted sense of pleasure. I like pain…the more the better,I like it rough, I like to have relations alot.
So thinking that I have the brain of a man since they state the average man thinks about sex every 30 seconds. That seems about right for me also..
I always want to be desired and sometimes as of late I do not feel that. Not sure if I make it up in my head but maybe cause I feel bad about myself. I want to look hot, desirable and as each day goes by I do not feel that way.
I have such unhealthy thoughts,but I try to hide them. There is plenty twisted and fucked up that I would be up for…Almost anything turns me on..
maybe I need to stop now…
Good bye

What I want out of life at this exact moment
* I want my love to be happy and not sad
* I want my mom to be better and healed and not in pain
* I want my best friend to be able to call me and me call her whenever because these last few weeks I could have used her..
* I want to be able to sleep without the help of a pill
* I want to be at my goal weight so I will be happy with myself
* I want to not be at work today< i would love to be shopping
* I want the weekend to arrive so Neil and I can have some quilty “us” time
I just really want everything to work out for the people I care about most in this world.
I wish i could do more for Beth , I wish i could make her see that she is so much more then she feels she is, I want her to gain HER life back, her freedom
I want my babes to be happy, not stressed, not sad and not thinking I am a nut because I have no idea what it is like to loss someone.
I want my mom to be able to move her leg 160% and I want her back to herself, I talk to her and she is in pain.
I want me to just like myself alittle more, right now I feel fat, ugly and not the nicest person in the world, I know it will pass but I want it now..

Not quite sure what my issues are today. maybe it has been so much going on it has all caught up to me. i use to handle things much better now everything drives me nuts. I can’t even handle a 20 minute drive home without wanting to punch someone out because they pulled out in front of me and went 10 miles slower per hour. I don’t like being this way, I like being the Crystal that everyone knows and loves and I don’t feel that way today.
As stated earlier I seem to eat my way thru stress and put on 5 pounds that I have worked out, which in turn makes all those cute smaller clothes I fit into now to small/tight then has me going into last winters clothes to find something suitable to wear. Then i hate what I am wearing all day because I am wearing clothes that i bought and tired of last year. so I think I look like shit, I feel like shit and what do i do I go for the yummy chocolate bar that makes me happy for the 10 minutes I savory it and then i feel shitty for eating it.
I CAN’T WIN RIGHT NOW and I am getting to my straw
How do i get back on track. See Neil doesn’t get it even if he has lost quite a bit of weight in the past he doesn’t have this love hate relationship with food. Where as I have always used food as the enemy . When I was a teenager it was how little of it I could take in.
I found a journal from when i was 14 and I have to say a very healthy weight. I journal my daily food intake and it went like this
1 cup of rice – 100 calories
Kethcup on rice 20 calories
4 glasses of water
run 3 miles

I would consume 5 diet pills and run until i couldn’t run anymore, up and down bleachers at the school.
My mom caught on quick and put an end to that by placing plates of food in front of me and saying i couldn’t move until I ate it. There was one night I feel asleep on the table.
So then I used the control as the food I didn’t want to intake now I use it has comfort. when i have a shitty day i eat ……..
They say it is a form of OCD that causes this but who knows…….maybe some meds could stop my OCD with Food.
Any ideas?????

I have loved you since the beginning….
I didn’t say fro awhile, but at the time I already knew.
You grew on me quick, the girl who was not going to let anyone in
You are caring, loving and just plain a super guy
Sometimes I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.
You & You alone have changed and altered my opinion on so many things that deal with the heart
You are there for me as i am there for you
You make me smile when you anger me….
You make me forget the reason I was upset to begin with
To look into those eyes I love so much I feel what you feel
when you are sad I feel it, when you are happy my emotions
get elevated also.
I feel that I can express how truly special you are to me
I can never express the admiration that I have for you
Your great to anyone who needs you and you extend yourself
Your beautiful and you are mine.
I love you so

Not sure what is going on with me today. Kind of a mess over here. I still have to work tonight too. When I want nothing more then to go home, change into my cuddle pants and veg. I think there has been so much going on as of late I am not sure much more can happen and I would be ok.
Between my boy’s grandma dying, him being sick, my moms slow recovery and my best friends horrible life at this point, I am not sure anymore could happen. Well Friday I was able to get my doctor to give me some anxiety pills which seem to be working this morning.
I think I may be one step away from a nervous breakdown. I know the answer stay the hell busy so nothing going on has time to process and then hopefully by the time it does it will pass.
I can’t deal to call my mom only to hear more bad news, I can’t be that person that everything thinks I am.
I need a vacation , maybe that is part of what Neil and I will be working for. A tropical vacation but I need to get back on track with my eating, seems eating away the house has been helping me stay sain.. Yummy brownies and milky way midnights make me happy, when much else can not.
I am sure this is just a rut that I am in and hopefully it will end soon….It has too

Tired and Beat but alive after all.
Was a long weekend with tonight being Monday night..
Friday night was pretty low key went out to dinner to the Flying Rhino and with the crazy weekend it seems like that was a week ago, had an amazing dinner as always when you got there
From crunchy Potstickers to Lobster/Scallops rolls. Delicious I tell ya
Saturday we did our normal Saturday morning events and went to the mall because I needed something to wear to Neil’s grandmothers funeral. Joannah and Aaron where going to get her truck checked u in Dartmouth and stopped in Clinton on the way home for some Clinton Fare.
Well went went to Gael House to eat and I think something was funky with Neil’s Scallop Roll because he was pretty sick all the way thru Sunday night.
We headed to FallRiver on Sunday morning and meet up with his parents to head to the wake. Tell ya the Truth it was my first wake ever, I had been to plenty of Funerals but never to the wake, I think because they always made me feel uncomfortable and there was far to much time to speak.
But I was there for my boy and his family and learned sometimes just being there is enough and sometimes words are not needed. So I took some advice I was given and “was there”
The service was this morning and it was a perfect autumn day, crisp air, not a cloud in the sky and leaves of every color gracing there presence on the tree. I know if it was my last day upon the ground it would have been my choice of a day.
Did alot of thinking in the last two days and really decided I would want to be cremated, if only because it seems like so much work for the family and in a time of sorrow I would want as little work needed as possible. But the service was beautiful.
Tonight I started my part time 2nd job at the Want ADvertiser lucky they only kept me and Brian ( who is a guidance counselor by day) until 10 of 8pm tonight.But hopefully by next Monday Neil will be starting and we will be on out way to saving some major money.