I Heart Peanut Butter

I LOVE SPRING
It is in the 70′s today and beautiful and sunny. And I am stuck in my no window office.
Today sporting some very cute jean capris with some becoming very painful but cute 4 inch wedge espedrilles that lace up my starting to becoming very shapely calves…

Sunday we may head to the flea market to see about a PS2 if anyone has one they want to get rid of please let me know.
Then down to Connecticut to do some hiking at Ross’s cliffs , named so after serial killer Michael Ross who use to dispose of his kill into the lake below, my step father went to school with him and said he was always strange.
Then run by the rents, my mom will most likely cook someone I want to eat…Cause she always does….
Then relax…
So hopefully I will have time to update this weekend…Who knows….Toodles

So today didn’t start off perfect….
Well it started off just fine waking up with my boy and such…But the way to work made for a disaster. Seems that people have no concept that if you hit someone you are suppose to stop, exchange insurance info and so on..
See I was on the off ramp about to merge onto 20W in Marlborough and this huge Ford Explorer XLT decides she needs to be on my ass and wants to pass me in one lane to the oncoming merging traffic. So instead her idea flops and her big white exlporer hits my only 9 month old Saturn.
Now some people may say that I am foolish since it just cracked, dented and some white paint. But the fact is I pay 380 a month for a new car, I want it new. So if she would have just stopped when I thought she would at the Shell station then I wouldn’t be so pressed to make sure she pays. So I thought I had used the voice message feature on my phone and when I got to work realized that I didn’t save it.So I called the police anyway and they asked “was it a white explorer?” and I said yes well seems some very nice person called in the Hit and RUN..I wish I knew who it was and I could send them a thank you letter..
So I left work and went and filed the police report and then contacted my insurance…Damn bitch…..

I had to post this and I had to take this….So So Cute my boy….
He was awake barely and laying there half awake and half “please leave me alone” mode.But still cute non the less..

So the new routine at least 3 times a week is becoming getting up at 5:15am to make ti to the gym before work..
Today I made it to the gym at 5:45 and worked out for about 45 minutes, I got about 30 minutes of cardio and then some crunches, planks and glute lifts…
I wish it would just hurry up and come…Being ultra thin and toned that is..Ia m getting there. I mean a few weeks ago I posterd my 1st full body shot in awhile that didn’t scare me. My thighs, butt and so on have shrank and toned a great deal in the last few months. Now that the weather is warming up here in these parts and this coming weekend we change the clocks…I will have more sun and warm weather to encourage me to look WONDERFUL.
Doesn’t hurt that Neil is Mr. Healthy and also easily encourages me to keep going when I have had a bad week. I love food so it is hard to turn down yummies..
But I am looking fantastic and the future is moving from I need to be a size 8 to I need to be healthy…Which I think is a great goal to have…And I am looking good int he process

I would like to go out one weekend soon but with our lets not spend money this weekend will include and not limited too..Tennis- yes I am takimg up tennis , cocktails, music, movies and chillin….Maybe see if Beth and Mike want to come over…who knows

Tonight meeting up with Ms. Beth after work…..I need some girl time

I just want to be me again.
So this weekend Neil and I will hit up the “Closet from hell” once dubbed that by Doug.
In the process of doing so I will get all the info I need on my Touchmaster 2000 Singer sewing machine and then sell it. Why???? You ask
Well I have been slacking I use to spend hours painting, drawing( this could occupy 12 hours on a Saturday alone) and sewing. Until over just a year ago I was Crystal the girl who had some inkling of talent.
see what pisses me off is I do nothing and the longer I do nothing the harder it is to do so again. I feel like all my talents have went down the drain and I am slowly turning ordinary. I promised myself along time ago that I would not let this happen to me.
So in selling the impossible to use sewing machine I will then buy a easier not so many bells and whistles machine…What was my mother thinking when she bought this and when the hell have I ever seen her sew more then a simple button.
I remember when I was in Americorps I would hand sew a couple hundred pillows…Fun and Funky and great. Each made for someone and the design with them in mind. Hand sewing to me was much more enjoyable because on a machine I could get a pillow done in 5 minutes. Where as hand sewing is an art, a therapy….
So that is my goal in the next couple months…To get a new sewing machine and start creating again. Make new curtains and pillows and other great home decor.
Also I am going to start devoting time to drawing a few hours again each week. Amazing how I get tired and the goal to put something on paper kinda vanishes…
I JUST WANT ME BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The me I was for at least 25 years of my life…..I refuse to get old and let things go…..
Also contacted my Uncle about 5 boxes of beads he told me where sitting in my uncle scotts basement…Oh the fun I can have once again…..
I JUST NEED TO FIND ME AGAIN…
With Neil moving in I think I will have more time that is not taken up all the time and will be able to do something again…I have been talking a lot the last year on how much this bothers me…………But what have I done……Nothing

Julian Beever is an English artist who’s famous for his art on the pavement of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium . Beever gives to his drawings an amazing 3D illusion.

Seems everyone I know on Myspace is send this mans sidewalk chalk drawings around and I love them, some of them I sit there and question how it was even done, I sit study the amount of space it must take to make these pics appear so 3D.

Julian’s webpage

I just mentioned to a friend of mine that I hope I do not live to an old age. Was reading report last week on msn about people with no problems starting to live longer and the age of 150 was thrown out there.
I always ask people to shot me cause I would never have the ability to kill myself so if someone would just do away with me oh how easy that would be. Meaning no more decisions to make, no more issues, no more winters, no more bills and no more headaches.
That doesn’t sound like a bad alternative. I have like 5 people who would miss me but life goes on, people die and then they move on to the rest of life.
seriously I need a “It’s a wonderful life” experience real quick or I may start believing that this is it.
Sometimes I feel I am my worst own enemy and sometimes I think hat most things in my life were in vain because they reoccur and I live the life over and over and over again.
For the most part as long as I stop myself from thinking to much I am happy. But in all honesty I just am skating through life the best I can.
I think….I think more then anyone I know. And that is the reason I make myself sick…My stomach is always bothering me and I can’t sleep. So now I rely on pills to make me pretty much pass out every friggen night and cause it so I don’t think.
So much in my life scares me…..Cause I have been through shit in back and I don’t want to be there again. I want to be in a better place then when I was 21 and poor, donating plasma and doing day labor to stay alive, yes life in comparison to a few years ago is overall better.But I think my head is still that very much very scared 21 year old.
The only way I get out what I want is to write this has been problematic and helpful in my life. Problems because when I write I just write. I could hammer away 5000 words on how I feel at anytime in less time then calling 2 people to say how much they mean to me….
But it has given me this outlets ince I was 11 and always kept a journal.
I love so much my Neil but I also hate myself sometimes when I am with someone, because I think having someone you care about that much also gives you someone you worry about as much. About your life with them and so on…SO I think…..And write and think and write. Sometimes it seemed easier to be lonely then to worry about losing the one person you would give your life for.
I have never said have a high self esteem, more to a low one that I tend to cover up with the hard exterior that is Ms. “C” . I don’t think I am pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough or just plain good enough for anyone. It takes them to hurt me to see past that. I on a daily bases wish I was an ordinary girl, who wore ordinary clothes, had ordinary hair and just was ordinary. Instead I have had short hair for 11 years…I have fun with my clothes and I am slighty odd..Well I am very odd and a lot of the time I wish I wasn’t. How much easier life would be if I was 5’7 125 lbs, blond hair and shopped at A&F. How much more I would just be normal. Instead I am eccentric and strange….Never happy with the norm. But that sometimes seems to hinder getting anywhere.
So no I am not as strong or confident as I appear. It is all an act…Maybe I would be a great actress..I have myself almost fooled until I see my naked ass in a mirror and realize once more that I am the chubby girl I don’t like very much.
And I worry that my love will wake up from the dream that I am this great person and see the fraud I am…The no self esteem girl that I tend to be. Then he will leave, and that scares me more then anything.
I have been left by to many people in my life, given up on and I am not sure if I could handle that again….Then 150 would be far to long to live…….

Tuesday mornings make me itchy for the weekend…
Or just Wednesday night….See the setup that Neil and I have until he is moved in is Wednesday’s, Friday thro Monday morning ….So by Tuesday I tend to miss him a great deal and in turn wish away my life. I think it works…
I live for the times that we are together that I rush the rest of my life by…
Soon this will end.
By the middle of April Neil , his hamster and belongings will be moved in and sharing one space. Then I will have him every day which delights me a great deal.
Everyone I know ask me how I will be with someone full time into he same space as me…I like it, I am a relationship person, I am a one on one person, prefer the company of one great being more then plenty, hence why I have never done the roommate thing….But I have no problem living with a significant other…I prefer it that way , the life of the single was never really the life for me…
Anywho….soon he will be moved in and we can live our life together and happy…
Until then I wish for Wednesday nights…

I can’t wait to see this movie…
Went to the IMAX on Friday night to see “V for Vendetta” which I have to say was wonderful..It was funny we were standing in line and noticed that we were the most normal and non geek like out of all the people in the line .Since the movie is after a comic book or should I say Graphic novel there was tons of overweight, middle aged big glasses wearing geeks…Mostly men and mostly men who have probley never even touched a women.
So in the previews was this movie…..Happy Feet which I can’t wait to see. Stars the little Penguin Mumble. He was born to Memphis and Norma Jean and unlike all the other penquin he can’t sing. But he sure can tap…I watched the trailer of him over and over again…I can’t believe how friggen cute he is and November is not coming fast enough.
Check it out…
Happy Feet

Now that I am not supposed to be online at work at all, I need to write my blog and then put it in the page when I have a chance.
It is Friday and it is ST. Patrick’s Day, which to tell you the truth means nothing to me. I am not even 1% Irish and I have never celebrated the holiday. Funny thing is I live in the drinking/ Irish capital of Mass, no not Boston. I live in Clinton which for a very long time held the record for the most liquor establishments in Massachusetts.
Looking out my window at home is the Liquor store 100 feet to the left of that is a bar, about 300 feet to the right is the bar and across from that bar is a bar.
Did I mention my town is run and inhabited by mostly Irish folks. The Kerrigan’s and O’Malley’s own everything from the pubs to the gas stations.
So needless to say it is a big deal in my town and all the drunks will be staggering around the small town of 12k people.

Anyway it has been all week since I have really written a decent blog. I have been super busy and with the Zero Access to internet while at work that seems to limit my reading and writing of the world’s blogs.
Been trying to get the house cleaned and organized and getting rid of things in preparation for the big move in day for Neil. Amazing I thought my place was big then I started to find homes for my clothes and realized that no one person needs that much clothing.
This week we will move in Neil’s hamster ….so until he is 100% moved in I will be making sure the hamster doesn’t die while in my care. I have not had a rodent since my mom killed my Rat “Slippy” when I was 16.
Talking about hamster my co-worker/friend does this thing called Hamster Friday sends all her hamster loving friends this great entertaining email every Friday that just makes us laugh out loud in the very quiet office.
If you want to read it just send me an email and I will send it to you …..

So really just been busy between time with my man, time with my new mom girly who needs some time away from the baby once and a while and getting things organized before there is 100% of someone elses things in the house too…

Really this is the most together my life has been in awhile. I am in a good solid relationship where I never need to question his feelings for me or my feelings for him, work is going well, vacation coming up in a month and things just working out ok….I am loving it..

Sometimes I feel I should not be left to my own defenses, I seem to over think and get myself in a mood when left alone. Maybe that is why I always kept a lot of friends around so I was never alone. Recently no friends besides Beth and Mike , they are super busy with a baby. Maybe because I see my life as being “still” at this moment and everyone else’s lives revolve…
Hum I don’t know what I am saying….But seems when I have to much time to myself I drive myself up the walls. I will leave it at that.

Was a pretty crazy day today and here I am almost ready for bed the sleeping pills are starting to slip me into drowsiness and I am looking at the couch like it is a dear friend.

I just want it to be Summer….All things good happen in the summer

above is the pic of me with Jen’s new handbags…. She makes the cutest of cute Date bags…
She has recently started selling her things on her webpage , Fruitcake. All of her bracelets are very much cute and funky too..

Guess what it is Monday once more…..Seems like it is always Monday…..Gurrrrrrrrrrrrrr
This weekend was pretty good.
Friday night I meet up with Neil in wrentham to save some time from having to drive from my abode to Ikea….We went bought ourselves a new bed and Neil picked up a table/desk for his turntables…

Saturday we told his parents we would go down and help with some yard work….My arms are sore, I raked the whole yard in record timing, but as of late I have been looking at any physical activity as a good thing….Went to lunch with his mom and then headed back to Ikea….Because Neil’s legs for the table did not have the mounting pieces ………
To no luck of ours they did not have any more legs in stock…Poor boy…
Headed home to get ready for an evening of drinks, pills and board games with Beth and Mike..

So after a fun night of fun Neil and I crashed on the couch and then headed to bed…
Sunday we decided was our lazy day….So the most we did was get out of bed at 1:30pm and then get ready to go eat and a movie…Drove to Millbury and ate at Red Robin and then caught “failure to Launch…I thought it was a very cute movie….
Came home to relax and here we are ……Monday morning once more…

Hopefully this week goes by slow and we are onto another weekend…..Soon vacation time ahhhhhhhh

Re-committed!!!!!!!!
To most things Crystal.
I have recommitted myself to my diet and health in the last few weeks. I have been doing WW since Dec 12th and have already lost a substantial junk of Crystal, but in the last two weeks I have really put the effort out there. With Diet, going to the gym at least 4-5 times a week and other activity I am getting closer to my goal. In the last two weeks I have lost a combined weight of 6.8 pounds and as my clothes get bigger and I get smaller I feel more energize to keep it up.
There is a few things in the future that I think I want to be a smaller version of me for and some things that could happen that I even more want to be smaller for. So my recommitment to everything healthy…Better eating habits…Better foods I fill myself with and excerise.
Then there is work…I decided I need to make the most possible money I can and try to be happy here…SO I AM….That simple…I will now join in the hen like chatter in this very Women filled space and I will not listen to it…
So far today is going beautifully and I see my boy tonight. Which also makes my day much brighter…..

“I beg you…….. To have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Dont search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point it, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer”
Rilke

This is one of my favorite quotes and it is the one I have the most difficulty living too. I live , breath and act out quotes that inspire me. This one is hard.

Tonight I worked out harder then I have in awhile because there ia lotot on my mind. Mostly me being chicken or holding back parts of me that shouldn’t be held back. So I cried. Something I haven’t done in awhile. Over the good…Overer the bad…..Who really knows if the tears I shed made me feel better or just worse.

To tell my love this he would think he did something…..Hun you did nothing I worry about the future more then anyone I know and dwell on the past more then I left people see. Mentioning in the last blog the life I have lived, it’s no joke. I remember the strangest parts of growing up. I remember my father beating my ass when I was 3 years old because I peed in the tub…I remember my mom ex husband locking me in my room for hours while she was away or at work..I remember everything that happened until I was about 15. At that point I think I started to erase anything bad that would happen in my life. Bad thoughts, actions and words sent to me, me being attacked were easily put in the back of my mind.
My last relationship was a prime example. We hurt each other.Oror it was me protecting myself from being hurt. I was lied to…Cheateded on ( he would never admit it, but a women knows) I was treated as if I was mere ant on the ground…Not worthy of love. But still as soon as I was done with him and moved on I jumped into wanting someone again and my random dates tended to drift…Toto wanting more. Then around the time I was ready to give up on the male gender all together , Neil appeared. I have never felt as cared for, loved or wanted. A guy who goes out of his way to be with me…..That is something I have never had.
I feel I am a good person with people interestst in my mind. I care for the people that are close to me and would do anything in the world for them. But for some reason this relationship still feels surreal.
When will the fights start? That is my question. Hey it could be never and I would still worry. This is not the person I want to ever fight with..I know it is far to much to expect we will never argue, but I mean I never want full out blown fights.

I kinda leave out the fact that I was thrown in jail for domestic.Yeah me..The girl that is scared shitless of her ex…He would corner me, make me feel small and threaten me. But that is the hardest thing I can ever say was I was arrested and he wasn’t because I didn’t want him to get taken away while his daughters were staying with us. If only I knew then what I knew now…
I remember crying for the 23 hours I was in jail….Freezing….Why is it they take away your shoes and any outer clothing and keep a cell 40 degrees.. I cried & cried I couldn’t reach any one I knew and I was 2000 miles away from my family. At this time my mom would only really hear from me once a week and hell I could have been in jail for couple weeks and she wouldn’t have known. But I remember that was a whole lot of time to think, the biggest thought was I needed to get away, I needed to be back east with my family and that happened within the month following court and so on.. I drove my happy ass 2000 miles back to Connecticut where my forever supportive mother and step father would help me out any wapossiblele.. But to this day I’m embarrassed that I was put in jail for this. I should have been honest with the cop that he shoved me and that is why I went back and punched him. That this fucking POS guy had the gal, the balls to hit, shove or touch me in anyway that wasn’t loving. Maybe I was doing it to protect his children but maybe I just didn’t want him to be angry with me.
The whole meaning behind this was we fought, not words being thrown at each other, but they always turned physical…He was corner me…I would push him out of the way …….I was just so scared..Andnd so very much alone….
I never want nor could I ever deal with this and I look inside myself to make sure that is no who I am ….I make sure I am not a girl that would hurt someone else, just merely protect myself and if the person would never hurt me, would I just finally have someone that I can JUST BE with for the rest of my life.

I am scared of myself sometimes….I hope that I am as good, kinda hearted and sweet as he thinks I am . Ever since my ex and I were no longer together I have no had any anger issues so I have to believe that it is not who I am but it was 100% who I was with.

In all honesty I can not handle anything rocky every again and hope that everything stays as wonderful as it has been…Even when he moves in. See I do not worry about the watching of the Sox games, the need for “24″ and other random shows…Evethoughgh I know he thinks that is mmajorpr worries…I worry about the same things he does….I just have sooooo much faith in us together that I do not let them get to me….

I have no idea where I am going with this….All I know is I cired tonight for no particular reason. I cried for the things in the past and the hopes for the future…Now it is time for a vicadin and watch SATC……Total girl night.Welll back to putting clothes away and then showering…The gym has this way with making me stink…