I Heart Peanut Butter

This picture to my right is the sign at the old city hall building in Denver that read “Merry Christmas” for many years. Last year Denver city officials decided that it would now read “Happy Holiday’s”

This is where my problem with the Politically Correctness comes in. The tree that is on Capital Hill and the tree at the White House. The tree at Capital Hill was renamed back in the early 90′s by the landscaper who was Jewish and said this is a “holiday tree” So for the next 15 years the tree was named Capital Hill Holiday Tree instead of the always Christmas Tree.
I am not sure why people get so bent out of shape about the whole “Holiday” verus “Christmas” title. I do understand that Christians adopted the use of trees during this time from Pagens since this is also the Winter Solstice.

My problem lies with everyone being so politically correct. You now receive Happy Holiday cards in the mall instead of the old Merry Christmas cards and I found myself buying them last year to send to some friends of mine who are Jewish but over all we know what is being celebrated when during the month of December .

Christmas was from Pagan roots it was the day of the “invincible sun”, the winter solstice 273 the Christian church selected this day to be the birth of Jesus. And January 6th was originally the date set by the Egyptians to be the Winter Solstice, but we know this day as the Epiphany/Three Kings Day and MY BIRTHDAY.The tree we now know as the Christmas tree was called a Solstice tree to the Pagans and all the things we relate to Christmas misletoe,pine cones and holly were all used in decorations to celebrate the Winter Solstice.

So even though I grew up Christian, I am not an active person in the church as an adult because of my own beliefs . I do give credit where credit is deserved and this was something I wrote a lengthy report on in high school, I tend to go on about things most people could care less about.

Then we have Kwanzaa which is not a replacement for Christmas nor is it Religious or Political. This was founded in 1966 there is some 18 million African Americans that celebrate the “First Fruits of the Harvest” and seems to be away of building a community and also help strengthen bonds between African Americans and their homeland.
No matter how much I may feel this is not a strong holiday there is 18 million people who think it is and I must respect that.

Then we have Chanukkah which I know most likely the least about and sad because I do have a lot of friends and such that are Jewish , I do know that it is the “Festival of Lights” the Candles on the Menorah are let from left to right along with the shammus candle. The act of gift giving was only introduced when Jews were more close to Christians and it was a carried over tradition.

So in reality maybe it should be a “Holiday Tree” But I think if they want to be very much PC it should be named a Solstice Tree and pay honor to the Pagans that gave us the day to celebrate.
But I truly wish that things could stay the same and people need to not take everything so personal, if it isn’t something you believe in celebrate what it is you do belive in and let well enough alone.

Blackberry

Research in Motion ( RIM)

So it seems that I am glad that I no longer have a Blackberry, seems that Blackberry put out by RIM , has come to the end of the long dispute regarding the Patent for the Blackberry. NTP the company out of Virginia wants to make it so that Blackberry service can no longer be offered in the US Market, they were willing to negotiate but seems RIM does not want to negotiate.

To me I would think that they would want to put some numbers out there and buy out the patent or the company could be in some major trouble with companies such as Motorola and Nokia that both have stack in the wireless internet market. Or maybe I worked in the telecom industry way to long , why couldn’t I be this excited about books.

Sometimes I wish things were as easily said as they are written.
Today was a hard day at work, seems when boss lady isn’t happy no one is, I feel that if it wasn’t for the fact that they need me there, I would most likely be gone. See the thing is we are already short one sales consultant to the point were they have just upped the bonus for finding a new one to 500 dollars from 250.But today Kim gave her notice and it is sad but I am happy for Kim because the job has cost her a lot of grief, but being in the hallway from the boss lady makes it not hard to hear and feel the stresses from above.
I am almost at my number so I am not ridden as hard as some of the gals, but I sure do feel it for them.
The thing that has got me through most days is the emails from Neil,makes me happy and cheerful and makes the day fly. Makes me realize that tomorrow is Thursday and the weekend is almost here. So excited.
Saturday evening I am hosting a dinner party in my home. I love to entertain and I love to do this for the people I care about the most, nothing more satisfying. I always say that I should have been born into a rich aristocrats family and I could do this for my living.
Should be wonderful going shopping and out to dinner with Beth after work on Friday and I am sure it will be an early evening and I will make my way home . Neil should be coming over Friday night and will be my company as I try to make my house clean and sparkling and start to do the food prep in the early afternoon. I do hope that I do everything wonderfully and it is a success, I would die if I overcooked the chicken or burnt the artichoke dip.
Sunday seems like a relaxing day and maybe some Ice Skating at the Bank of America skating rink in Providence. Was much easy to say when it was just the Fleet Skating Rink.

anyhow it is Wednesday evening awaiting my brothers visit in a bit and see what trouble he has been getting into .Today was unseasonably warm at a 58 degrees at 5pm when I was on my way home, warm and rainy.

I figure my day can’t be to bad with Ox looking over things for me…

See I came across Ox on a Day-0-Fun in North Hampton he was cuter then anything I had ever seen in my life, when Neil walked away, Ox spoke to me. He was like “Take me home with you and I will be your friend”. I thought he was precious and adorable.

So that night Ox came home with me to start his new life in Clinton, Ma. Poor guy had no idea what life was going to throw him this round. He had been through hell and back in the factory he was born in , in the land of China. In this factory by the sea Ox was thrown into the Garbage, in that time he had lost his eye. But he stayed strong and promised himself he would escape.
Then a 5 year old boy that was working in the factory came along and found OX, he was like “wow you are one ugly doll” Hence why he is an Ugly Doll. So the little boy was heading home after his 14 hour work day and saw a shipping crate and thru Ox inside. OX became the 1st Ugly Doll refugee to enter the US, since he did not have any papers he was almost thrown out of this beautiful country we call America.
He ran and ran until he made his was to Massachusetts and found a great little store named “Faces” were he seemed to fit in wonderfully. He sat on the shelf until I came along. nto sure if he thought I was cute, or knew i spend one to many days in my office wanting someone to keep me company. But he found me!!!
So on Monday I took my friend in the office and he seemed to make himself right at home. He is now the keeper of the chocolate and pure happiness.

“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.“

So I have been thinking it seems I am truly a realist in life. I understand human nature, never expect perfection and just know things will not always go the way you want them to. Every situation in my life is looked at with a realistic approach, or so I would like to think.

Me being a complete idiot on the kiddie rockin house @ Yankee Candle in Deerfield

Neil and I at the Yankee Candle Christmas Store.. ummmm Candles

My mom’s homemade breads..Oh so Yummy

My mom and Jim on Thanksgiving

$1.99 gas in Central/Western Mass Oh yeah
But was informed by my dear friend Beth that she just paid $1.97 in Sturbridge

Grandma and Grandpa on Thanksgiving

My mom and I on Thanksgiving

So it is Saturday Morning and I am feeling slighty refreshed. Got at least 7 or so hours of sleep and I am happy.

Yesturday was a very productive day even though I was feeling alittle under the weather. Seems that washing ur car while there is still snow, ice and shit on the road is not the best of ideas but at least my car is no longer white.

Meet up with Pam last night around 6:30 to have a drink and then the movies. Chatted girl chat and had our Appletini’s then headed to the movies.

Saw Rent, which I have to say having the original members of the 1st year of the Broadway show in it was amazing. I heard that the movie did not get good reviews but I love the fact the movie could add to what was already great. I love the music for rent and it was still great on the big screen.

Then we headed over to get dinner and a drink. I had a yummy Mudslide Martini yummy yummy.

Brought Pam home and I drove my happy ass back home.

Thinking along the drive how I wish i could just go out I wanted to Dance and Have a good time with a bunch of my friends. I have been in this “I need to get out and have more fun then normal mode” for the last couple weeks. I am tired of my apartment and I am tired of the norm. I just want something to change. I need to get out more , more before there is tons of snow in front of my door.

I love to go out,I love to socialize and it seems I look at the white walls of my apartment far to much lately. Something has to give right.

Anyways off to the gym and then to my folks for my 2nd Thanksgiving dinner.

So it is the evening of Thanksgiving and here I sit. Thinking how much I would love to walk around the mall tonight. But nothing is open. See the drive back from my parents was boring only because on most occasions I tend to stop somewhere and do something. But the only option was Ralph’s and I still have a sinus headache that I couldn’t get rid of from yesterday. Didn’t help my brother came up with his cute new puppy; it is soooo cute so I went and pet it and held it now I think I will suffer a few more days.

So I came home, still being full from 12noonish today. Was the first real snow fall of the year, even though I usually dread the snow, it was pretty today. Fun and I wanted to make snow angels. Ask me in January how I feel about the snow that hits the SNOW BELT of Massachusetts and I will have a different tone. Went to clean the car off this am and it was pleasantly warm for the snow, but my hands did not feel any warmth. Neil did offer to clean my car off but I had it under control. Cold I went back upstairs and took like a 35 minute shower…Hey I pay my gas bill I can do that.
Headed down to Bob and Cheryl’s for Thanksgiving goodness, ate way to much as you should on Thanksgiving and almost passed out on there couch, to the point were Bob through a blanket on me. ZZZZZZZZZZ
My mother then called and needed me to pick her up from work, so drove my happy ass to the Casino and picked her up …Went back to my folks for a short while, getting very tired decided to head home.
Here I am wanting to be a bum, gonna take a nice long shower and relax for a bit. Tomorrow I will join the craziness of the shopping world in the early am in hopes to getting the camera I want for myself. I can’t really afford Christmas this year, would love to buy for everyone but it isn’t happening I think most of my friends and family have decided on a no buying pact this year. Time with my family and friends is enough for me.

I honestly am that much of a holiday geek .Love Love the holidays and love this time of year minus the wind chill factor and snow..

Well it is the day before, the day before Thanksgiving. Maybe I am a total geek that I love the holidays and I love once Christmas music is playing on every station. I adore christmas music and hell it has been playing across the hall in my bosses office for the last week. I must say I have no complaints about it, when I can belt out my “Jingle Bells” and not get looked at funny.

Tomorrow is a short day at work, only stuck there until about 1pm when is wonderful. Come home , maybe make it to the gym and then get ready for my company , well we are going to a movie I suppose. There is a few new ones coming out tomorrow, Rent is starting tomorrow in the Theaters which I can not wait for . I have seen the musical 3 times and I can never get enough. I hope the movie is better then the failed attempt of Phantom of the Ophera as a movie.

I think at some point I should just start writing my own reviews of movies, I have seen almost every movie that has come out I would say in the last 6 years. I love when I get to the point that I have to wait another week so new movies come out. But this year has been a pretty bad year for movies. I have not been impressed. Went a couple weeks ago with Jill to see “Prime” and I have to say the movie depressed me, maybe there was a lesson in there, but seriously I think not.

Anyways then Thursday I will meet my stepfather down in Connecticut and have a wonderful dinner at Bob and Cheryl’s , I always love Thanksgiving at there house. Go early enough and have bloody mary’s and then eat and drink cocktails all day. Love when your parents friends love to drink.
Friday not much going on , going to be crazy and try to make it to WallyWorld at 5am to pick up the digital camera that is wicked cheap, then go home and relax. I have a few things to do in the day time then meet up with Beth for a short while. Friday night I have somehow made plans with more then one person but I am sure one will fall thru. It will be a lowkey night. Involving dinner and seeing Rent with a girlfriend.
Saturday I head to my folks for a day of eating again, see people look at me strange unless they have known me forever. My mom has worked the last 13 years on Thanksgiving, so I have spent it either at my fathers house, in Colorado or with my stepfather. Then the Saturday following will be “our” thanksgiving. This year my mom tried to move it to Sunday on me as of this morning, what is she thinking. So I called her and told her I had made plans with the boy and I was already busy. So she left me a VM saying ok honey..Saturday it is.
Sunday who knows , an adventure I hope!!!!!

So the next few days are somewhat busy and leave some time to relax thank god. This is the busiest month at work and I have been slacking . So the catch up was not fun…

The End of Fall…A Romance & Reflection

Well it seems to me that fall will be ending soon and winter will be on its way. At this moment I would give anything for it to be spring once more.
I look at this year with a feeling that is hard to explain, so much has happened, occurred and so on. I am not sure what direction things are going at this time, but it does seem that things are slowly working themselves out.
Over the course of this last year, a year filled with personal growth, I like to think that I am much smarter now then last year at this time. I have learned that I am worth finding someone that will care about me, love me and inspire me. Over the course of the last 10 months I have found a few souls who have inspired me beyond my imagination. I meet Doug who also was the biggest motivator in me doing something; creating something and getting my mind that was trapped in pit for so long back out. No matter how strange and obscure the things Doug thinks and feels. He is still my muse, even if he is to busy to get together at this time.
I have taken to a few women as positive influences, role models in how I want to be. Pam I work with is the most incredible women I have meet in along time, she has helped me see the truth in situations that I would have liked to be different. She is amazing with her family and her friends. I could only hope to be that great.
Then there is my friend Jill, amazing beyond belief. She is smart, funny and sharp as a nail. She pushes me to see that I am worth more then I sometimes like to think.
See my self esteem issues only come from years of being put down that I was never good enough, while along I think I am a great person who is out to make everyone else’s life great. The last few months had been tough on me; I made sure I kept these two women close at hand.
Then there is my friend Stephen, no matter how much he likes to go over the details of being vegan and somewhat to the point of being righteous I still love him as a person. He is kind, intelligent and just great to have around.
Then Riz, he and I had tried out hand at dating and realized that it would never work, but he was great to be around and always made me feel wonderful about myself. He thinks I am beautiful and smart and loves to spend time talking about futures and goals with me. I think it is because my head is in the clouds most of the time; I have huge plans but not quite figured out how to achieve them just yet.
Then there is Beth, she is amazing and beautiful and expecting her first baby in January. She has always been there for me, for the 13 years we have been friends. When I was in Colorado and going thru a hard time, I called her and she was more then willing to let me come stay with her in Wisconsin. Though out the years she and I have been there for each other, not matter what and it is great to have her in my life. Sometimes I do not make it seem that she is that important to me, but she is my love…My BFF till Death…
Not quite sure why I am writing all this. One would think I was dying or moving or something very drastic, just thinking.
Something about this time of year that makes me think a lot. Maybe cause this time last year a lot was going on in my life. I was in a relationship that was over but no one wanted to make that move. I was visiting my father, a man who will never love me and I was contemplating moving back to Colorado to a man who would never love me the way I needed to be loved.
Not sure what it is I want as of yet, and I wish I could truly write what I am thinking here but it doesn’t seem to be the right idea. So that is why I have a non internet journal. I have actively kept a journal since I was 12. I love to find my journal from 15-17 that is amazing. The things I did at such a young age. But it is great to read because you forget a lot of the things that make you who you are.
I can say for the most part I am happy right now, which it has been awhile since I have been happy. I am not confused about anything in my life, ready to bunker down for the cold winter in Massachusetts. Think about what I want to do next year, I do think at this time a lot of the next few months may have a lot to do with my decision.
To Stay or To Go.

Riz and I chillen Drunk..I don’t look all that great

Beth and I last New years Eve

Jill and I at The Bravery show

So been doing awhole bunch of thinking, seriously when am I not thinking.
I always say how much I love to live life but I so think about every aspect of it over an dover again until I drive myself crazy.
Well received an email from my brother, crazy boy saying he needs to talk to me and he is living in Ipswich and so on.I told him he could have stayed with me if he wanted but I think he needed space from being with Marianne. I feel very bad for my neices, those poor girls do not understand what is going on, why dad can’t get his shit together and mom has to make it worse on him . So I will call him today at my lunch break and see what is going on, maybe take a ride to Ipswich to see him if I have time this weekend.
It is Thursday and the week is almost over, some reason I woke up at 5am and couldn’t get back to sleep, please do not allow me to be tired later.
So the changing name thing in my family has become something huge, I had mentioned to my mother that I was going to change my last name and it became why not to “gerow” my stepfathers name, well I was not ok with it not sure how Mike and Jen would feel so my mother takes it into her hands and states that she asked both of them. Mike (stepbrother) states ” she should be a gerow, we have been brother and sister for years anyway” and Jen ( stepsister) also feel that way. Now I feel like I must do this and have been avoiding my mother like the plaque. Not sure if I am ready to do this or if I can allow my wall to fully come down and be a part instead of my own person.
My mother seems to think this is easy for me. Doing this then would allow my stepfather in 100% which to this day I am not ready to do. There is a whole part that I have a real hard time talking to anyone about, my mother knowing me should know this and back off a bit.
Since I was little I think my trust level for any male in my life has been small. It is hard for me to get “close” to anyone but even hard for me to get close to a guy . Father figures have always been hard for me since my own father is a complete asshole and my mom ex husband that I called dad was also. Then when I was 13 here came Jim, a great guy who I do love very much, he put up with me when I was a nasty teenager and also played the devils advicate to my mothers sometimes not always thought thru actions when I was a teen. But …and it is a huge BUT….Allowing him to legally be my father as a grown women is weird and hard for me and I am not sure I can do it. When I wanted to change my last name it was going to be something random, something that if I ever become famous would be a glorious name.
So how do I do this with some tact?
I work daily on issues I have with Trust, I have trusted the wrong people to quick and ended up hurt, I an not sure if I get hurt again if this recovery will be speedy. I want to so much find a person to just be free with, allow myself to open up 100% . But I never make that jump, I always am afraid to state how I feel and to open up to someone new. In my last relationship I was the one that was done, both feet were out the door and I couldn’t compromise myself anymore, so It didn’t hurt for long at all, I think it was just the needing to stop missing someone. But then as I tried my hand at dating this year, realized it is not as easy as when I was 20 and I was not as cute, thin or untarnished as I was then. I had entered my last relationship with no real emotional baggage except what my father had put into me. But now I am scared that I will withhold once I meet the person that make me feel simply amazing and causes those butterflys. But I know I am capable of loving and capable of showing. But speaking has never come easy to me.
I just hope that when that does happen that I do not do something to screw it up as in my way of protecting myself.
But I will be happy when there is someone I can just “BE” with . Someone that makes it easy for me to open up to , someone that is just fucking amazing.
The past few months I have not been activly looking and it seems that is how I have meet a couple great people, some work in my life some not. But at least it seems that it has been real .
Been just hanging out with friends and feel I have a couple great guy friends that are wonderful for helping a damaged self esteem and make me feel great about myself. They think I rock so that helps, I have to thank my dear friends Stephen and Riz for they are the two that have helped me realize that I am worth finding someone that will treat me well.
I guess it is hard for anyone that wants to just be happy. I am not in need of marriage and such. I would love to get married at some point and I am sure if I meet the person that knocks my socks off then I would very much be about marriage, maybe I am not about it cause the potential is not there at this time. who knows
Skydiving over Red Rock Canyon with Elvis sounds quite dandy to me as a wedding. My mother would kill me but oh well it is my life. She got married the way she wanted – 3 times I will the way I want once…

Well I am thinking that I do not like the direction of my Blog. Seems to be on the bitch and complain side.
This past month has been a lot of time thinking for me, thinking about where I want to be, thinking who I want to be. I figure I will be 26 in two months and my life is not waiting for me to catch up. I use to be so driven, so excited about my future until I realized I should already be where I am going to be.
My folks think I am right were I am for a reason, they both state that I have grown as a person and a lovely women at that. Why do I not feel the same?
Simple, Since I was 5 years old I wanted to be a fashion designer, stylist something that makes my energy and creativity and makes it who I am .
The story that I would tell the prospective schools that I have applied for many times in my life was about my dream as a child. When you apply for a standard college they never ask you, When did your love for _______ come? And because of that silly questions that all art schools ask I always was accepted.
Here is how it went:
When I was a young girl I was always about clothes, creative and fun. I would spend hours dressing my barbies ( I do not care how anti feminist this is ). My mother use to let me have all her old clothes, towels and shirts. I would spend hours cutting , shaping and sewing cute little outfits together for my dolls. I loved beautiful things at a very young age..
Thru out my childhood I made everything I could and into my teen years I started making clothes for my friends. My fellow party friend Jen like I was accepted to Parson’s in NYC , but unlike her I could not afford it. I was certain to get my style and self out there so I decided she needed all new clothes for school. I remember I made her 50 inch bottom orange fleese pants with drawstring waist and cute black top to wear with them. She and I would spend hours after school making clothes and accessories…I was lucky to have an uncle that was jewelry designer who always gave me beads and other wonderful things to make beautiful accessories. I miss that girl….The girl I was once
The girl who hated most people but valued her friends more then anything,
The girl who never took bullshit or let anyone put her down.
The girl who was always herself. Leader, trend setter and fun
The girl who no matter how much she was called a freak still went on shaving her head, wearing 20 eyed combat boots and making her own clothes.

The thing is girls today are a dime a dozen..They all think they are creative and original but all look the same. Sad state I must say when no one is themselves anymore

Last year walking thru Cherry Creek Mall in Denver I noticed three girls about 17 in the MAC store. All had the Joan Jett/Ashley Simpson Mullet like black hair, tight tapered jeans stone washed, leg warmers, ballet flats and tees. They all wanted to be different yet they were wearing the same friggen thing..Could they be any more dense?

If only I was a size 2 my wardrobe would be were I want it. But I am not..Unlike waif like models and Hipsters < I was born with curves...I have a butt, hips and somewhat thick legs( thanks mom even though you are a size 6 you gave me the legs)
So I do not fit in all designer dudes…But who wants to spend that money when I can look just as great at half the price. I am also an awesome shopper…Deals are my friend.
The only things I spend the bucks on is Handbags, Purfume, Makeup ( MAC, Lacome, Clinque and Orgins) and Hair Products ….Anything else is cheap….Except my occasional Custo tank top in the summer.

Anyways the one thing in life I am driven for is that …..style….My own

So….
Anyways it has been a crazy and somewhat out of control week.
The amount of confussion that I had last week is gone..
James is out of my life for good..No matter how charming, sweet and cute he could be , he was toxic to me ..For some reason my heart was stuck and my head was telling me to run.
Saturday I told him I was done for good, no more games no more anything..That I had already given up . After almost 5 months of this “James game” I was tired.
Cuddling and sweet talk only can get a person so far, right?
After me telling him all this all he could say was “what you find a new dick to satisfy you” Seriously I wish all it was about was sex, I would have been gone along time ago…..Cause how can someone you see at most one time a week keep you satisfied right.
Anyways seen that he has a couple chicks on his Myspace page that he may have more going on with anyways..If only he could have been honust with me..If it was another girl just tell me, I can handle it…
I may follow my heart alot with decisions I make but I am a realist…I understand no one is perfect and I also understand that not everyone is for me…I do not get angry if things just don’t work…But the sad thing was I think I was starting to fall in love with him..But for some reason love is never enough…Hell I loved my ex for 5 years and one day just didn’t love him anymore..
I do not take long to get over people..they come in and then back out of my life and I move on. Find someone new to spend time with …Make me happy.

So last night after some time of Tom asking to hang out…I said yes.. Was good just to allow company once more…