There has to be more than this…..
The morning commute to work…..the herding effect….I have a hard time with this..I alwasy thought there would be more than this..Looking at fellow commuters…the same people you see every day. Lonely, sad…Wanting to escape from the daily hum dumb of life…I swear there will be more than this for me..I swear I will not do this for the rest of my life…for another 40 working years..My biggest dream is to be an island gal..Own a cute litte group of bungalows or a shop in a slighty touristy area on some island were the acceptable dress code is a skirt and flip flops…Where I can just live a more relaxing life..I was not meant for this life…The life of the Company girl……Corporate america was never for me….I do well but only because I am perfectionist…..There just has to be more….More to life. It only depresses me to think that this could be my life…I so could see myself working as a park ranger in an island park…..or being a hiking guide in the Andes…..Something more rewarding….I have never dreamt of the white picket fence or the 2.5 children…..I do someday want to be married but only to someone like me….like to travel and escape and we can become Expats together…traveling and making a living at something we love….Getting away….I crave something new…something great and I will not fell complete until that happens…I dream of being a Nomad in Mongolia…or a tea shop owner on the Island of Tahiti…..
Just has to be more…than a car payment and rent paying…More than bills that show no need in my life…I crave something more simple then this…
Archive for August, 2005
He says you are beautiful…He says you are his world..He says there is noone else for him ..As you go to leave he says he can not live without you..He takes your suitcase away as tears roll down your face. You try to be tough….You try to hold your own…You try to be the woman you once were before he made you into a coward. He looks at you with pure hatred and reels you in with love. You are so close to leaving You are so close to thinking that you are done. He tells you that you are nothing without him. He tells you that you will never find someone like him…..You believe him and you stay…..When he gets angry at at thing you say he scares you. backs you into a wall..He is larger then you….He is big and strong and you love him to much to fight back…The next day he says he loves you …That you are beautiful….That you will have a great future together..You blame yourself for what he does…..You think if only I kept my mouth shut…If only I didn’t question him….He betrays your trust and you are ready to leave again…When you finally do…He would do anything in his power to ruin you..What life you have built for yourself and you hope and trust in others….
This was written about 5 months ago. Seems like my feelings are still the same about the situation I was in for 5+ years….I am soo glad to be out and somewhat unscrapped..I am glad that I am who I am a strong woman that knows that she needs just to trust yourself.
I am trying to get to know this guy…A Guy that takes an honest interest in my life but is about as scared as I use to be to open up…Must have patience ..My ex had those with me..The only thing I thank him for was being the patient guy who let me come to him on my terms…
