I am only human, but yet I have made myself 100% vulnerable to very few men in my life, always going out of my way to protect my heart. Questioning of whether I have a heart has occurred and I have to say, I have so much to give someone, that the pain I entail when it doesn’t work out is more then I ever want to deal with. So doing the best to not allow my heart to be taken in the first place.

2011 was a very interesting year for me, I had been “single” for about a year and half when I met Mike. He wasn’t at all what I thought I wanted, I continuously found fault in order to not get close. Because in reality I love dating, even if I say I despise it because usually it is what follows a few successful dates with someone that scares the living shit out of me. I am not as strong as many think I am, I put faith and trust in people that I start to care for. The easiest thing I can do is not fall in love with someone, the hardest thing is to fall in love.

I keep telling myself that I am over him, until he contacts me and once again all the feelings I had rush back and I miss him all over again, I want to touch, laugh and be with him all over again. I know it will never work, he will always want to hold onto his independence and never fully allow something amazing. He contacts me and nothing has changed, he has not had some huge epiphany, he has not thought about the potential with me in the long term. As much as he may love me, he loves his freedom even more. I never doubted his feelings for me, but I also was not enough to break him of what holds him back the most, fear.

He says he doesn’t read my blog as he fears seeing me with someone else, but then again a text perfectly timed after I wrote a post yesterday that I have since made private. Or for some reason we are so connected that he just knows, because the timing is always so wrong/right. I just had a discussion with my brother and Karen last night that I haven’t heard from him in a couple weeks,and it was about due time for him to reach out again.

Until the message states that he is willing, able and wanting to be together minus the fear holding him back, it will always be the same. This has been one of the hardest issues in recent years because you have little control over who your heart belongs to, to walk away because I am not getting what I need was the hardest thing I have ever done. He knows this and sometimes I believe it is so unfair of him to do this. Makes me feel half sane knowing he is also thinking about me. Sometimes love is not enough, and this is one of those cases, and it sucks.

All of this is why it is mostly unfair for me to date anyone, even if I felt like I was able to connect with someone else, I would always have this to deal with.

ROMP THE STOMP

This Saturday I am awaking early in the am to head up to Vermont to volunteer at Romp the Stomp, a snowshoeing fundraiser to support the NH/VT Susan G Korman affiliate. It will take place at Stratton Mountain, a 3 and 5k Snowshoe walk and a 3k snowshoe run. Tubbs will be hosting the event. If I was better at raising money and didn’t mind asking my family and friends for donations I would have so participated in the walk. But I am doing what I do best, volunteering my time.

Maybe a quick stop in Brattleboro for an early dinner on my way home… Sounds like a pretty decent Saturday. If I could figure a cheap place to stay I could get a hike in on Sunday morning. Hiking at Stratton Mountain.

“There are two kinds of climbers, those who climb because their heart sings when they’re in the mountains, and all the rest.” — Alex Lowe

Finally caved a couple weeks ago after some persuasion over the whole minimalist footwear for workouts and hiking. Jason had given me a gift card to EMS for my birthday and since the location in Millbury was closing and having a decent sale on shoes I decided to make the jump.

I went with the Merrell Barefoot Run Pace Glove . So far I have worn them to MELT- Barre Class and yesterday to the gym. Only issue so far was the muscle cramp in my right foot the whole drive home from the gym yesterday, going to take some time to get use to them.

I hope to use them a ton before the spring for workouts etc and then come spring try them out on the trails, we will see. As a person who HATES wearing shoes these may just be the perfect match.

Had a pretty low-key weekend, I believe it was needed. Finally getting closer to feeling human again, damn sickness took over for well over a week.

Friday I got out of work early and headed to a cleaning at the dentist, very exciting to say the least. I was back in Worcester at a decent time to grab a coffee and wait for Will to get out of work so I could give him a ride home. Relaxed at home for a couple hours then decided on Corner Grill for dinner.  I am on a mission to show Will all the great places, things and people that make me stay in Worcester. So pizza at Corner Grill is almost mandatory. We headed to Corner Grill and ordered the Baked Potato Pizza minus the bacon. Soon Matt joined us and Kelly when she got out of work. We sat for a bit then decided we would go over to Kelly’s for games, drinks and laughs, in that exact order too. First Will and I hit up the newest FroYo establishment in the city and tried their frozen yumminess. Then headed to Kelly’s  where we played Munchkins, Guillotine, and Small World. It was a serious game night when you start Small World at almost 11pm.

Saturday was already determined to be a “Snow Day” also a not feel guilty for sleeping until almost 11am, my reasoning being I haven’t had a decent nights sleep in over a week from my coughing. I woke up, did a little house cleaning and then Will and I decided to go to WooDaddy to grab breakfast. I had the Cornbread Waffle smothered with Vegan Chili and Will had the Gravity Waffle which was a Carrot Cake Waffle with Cream Cheese Frosting. After brunch decided to drive around Worcester, run a few errands and make a couple stops for tea, chocolate, look at comic books and smoothies at Nu Café. At this point I was still feeling a tad ill and not full of my normal energy so we headed home. The afternoon and evening became cleaning, organizing and relaxing time. Originally thought maybe Kelly, Matt, Jason and I would head to Beatniks to see Sugar and the Cane Breakers but we all decided to stay in and warm on a cold night.

Sunday morning we had planned on brunch around 11 at the Abbey. This time of year it is slow enough that a party of 6 can get a table when they walk in, I love it when it is like that. Will and I showed up and I ordered my standard Bloody Mary (Spicy- Spicy, Peppered Rim, Two Olives and a lime) and we waited for the rest of the group. Kelly and Matt showed up and due to a car issue with the new Jeep, Jason was late and as normal Brad was late also. Good Food and Good Laughs (really I think that is what life is about) Will had to head to work and the rest Kelly, Matt, Brad and I headed to Jen (Boobs) Pampered Chef party. We enjoyed food, wine and all bought some always needed kitchen gadgets. I ordered a new plastic bit for my Food Chopper and a pizza stone.  After the PC party we headed back to the cars and noticed that Brad’s car had been towed, so I gave him a ride over to Pat’s (ugh) and he was able to get his car. I had already made plans to help Jason find some new clothes, so ran to his house and we hit up a couple stores, at this point I became even more jealous of the ease of male clothes shopping. He found like 6 great shirts and two pairs of jeans in just over an hour. Once I got back to my car I went to Starbucks to grab a hot chocolate and visit with Will for a bit. It has been nice having my cousin up here, and between my friends and I we are trying to get him to stay; he is a great addition to the group.

It is now Monday and I am overwhelmed with my busy but fun filled week. Tonight I need to go to Connecticut and check out dresses with Samantha, tomorrow evening I seem to overbooked myself between Knitting, Worcester Foodies Dinner at Bocado and MELT- Barre Class. Wednesday evening I have dinner with my brother and Karen, Thursday is pedicures with Jess, MELT- Barre Class and I am sure out and about as it is Matt’s b-day and I need to make it to the Dive. Depending on my health will depend the weekends plans, I also may be overbooked by a possible Garfield hike on Saturday and Volunteering in Vermont for the Tubbs Breast Cancer event.

The past two months have been rough for me hiking wise. Ugh I hate set backs, I hate starting over and I hate losing all the ability so quickly. I am still battling a cold/cough and hope that it all ends soon.  I have daydreams while sitting at work thinking about hikes, backpacks etc I want to complete this year.

Tentatively planning to hike Garfield this coming weekend. It really is going to be determined by my ability to handle exertion without coughing which as of today is not happening.

I really want to get up north this year and do some serious hikes, I dream of this, I may do a hut-to-hut in the spring solo, I think due to my need/want to take my time I will continue to do solo hikes.

Philip who writes for his blog Section Hiker is my ideal, he is just an ordinary guy who tends to push himself a little bit everyday. I read his blog faithfully and after hiking with him on Cabot in December I can put the person I hiked with the person who writes about his adventures, and I can learn from what he has already done.

I really want to do the 100 Mile Wilderness this summer and hope my brother is able to do it with me, it is strenuous and I need that moral support I think in order to do it, not sure I would push through on my own, but it would be a true test for me to see if I can handle longer solo backpacks.

Sigh…I need to be on top of a mountain soon.

Hello Friday, I have missed you.

This hasn’t been the best of weeks for me, not how the year was suppose to start, plus sickness took over this week. The death cold that never goes away. I have done very little of anything other than work which is starting to get the best of me, I need to move, I need to see friends. Why I was born such a social creature has always puzzled me, content alone for long periods of time I am not and if I need to be sick I am happy that Will is staying with me. My built in confidant, entertainment and a friend. The funny part is since Will and I didn’t grow up together we are more friends then cousins but having the screwed up family we have in common only makes it a better connection. It has been nice having him up here.

Last night I checked out the MELT- Barre Class at X-Core with Jess, I was in love, Barre takes the principals of ballet, yoga and palates and combines for a low-impact, fat melting, toning workout. I bought a 5-punch card to give it a real try and may continue if I keep liking it.

This weekend I need some friend fixes, I may head to the Firehouse tonight to see some bands play, tomorrow I have pedicure and drinks planned with Jess and maybe some plans with Kelly, sending Will and Matt on a play date. Sunday if I can get this cough to go away head out for an early morning snowshoe/hike and then my friend Jen (aka Boobs) is having a Pampered Chef party, I need a new pizza stone. Hopefully will see the husband somewhere in there, I am starting to miss him.

The word “fling” used twice in a email stating he can’t date me anymore. Urban Dictionary defines fling as “deliberately short-term sexual relationship between two people” and Dictionary.com defines it as such “A short period of enjoyment or wild behavior”.

Really that is what it was? Last time I checked I didn’t need to drive my ass to Quincy to have a “fling” honestly I am sure a number or two in my phone would have handled that need. If that was at all what I was looking for. The carefully written email to make sure it sounded like he was doing me a favor pissed me off more, honestly just say “I’m not feeling it” and call it a day. As a friend mentioned the “fling” caveat should have been given up front, I wouldn’t have bothered with him further then a coffee date. If there was still chance that a “a recent past love interest” could be in the picture once more things should have been handled differently.

Slowly I loss faith in the male gender, they are all the same, some fall in love with you and can’t get their shit together, others keep it casual in their own heads and not make sure someone is on the same page, some just suck at life. I would pay good money to find the guy who defies all of this. A guy who I am attracted to, have shared interest and can be real 100% of the time.

Cause what you see is what you get with me, there is no hidden agenda with me. I date to meet someone who I can be with, I am not into casual dating, taking it slow (what does that even mean, holding back how you feel). I want to meet that person I can fall stupidly, hopelessly in love with. It never comes easy for me, but I would like to believe it exist, only 32 can’t be jaded just yet. And yes it was short lived but it was nice, it seemed to work and all this does is make me question my own intuition. Always seems to be hard for me to find someone that within 4 hours I am not rolling my eyes over and wishing for an escape plan. I suppose I am angry with myself as I can usually spot the BS long before the BS appears, losing my touch it seems.

It’s Tuesday and I am one sick gal, sitting at my desk at work and I am unable to focus on work because my bed is still tell me to go back home and sleep. I didn’t sleep all that well last night so I am in zombie mode.

Friday night I went home, already starting to feel somewhat icky and baked some cookies, some pretty awesome fudge chocolate -chocolate chunk with pb. Packed up most of them to bring to Scott’s on Saturday. I was suppose to head for a hike on Saturday with Chris but she was not having the gusty cold day hike and I wasn’t feeling so great so instead she headed over and we went to the Abbey for brunch. Were able to catch up and then she came over for a bit for tea. I headed to Quincy around 5ish on Saturday night we planned on a low-key night and it was a pretty cold weekend so even if I wasn’t under the weather it would have been chill. He cooked a yummy “hash” type dinner with lots of spice and garlic, trying to kill the Crystal germs. Was an evening of chill, RiffTrax watching and sneezing (blah).

The original plan for Sunday was Farmer’s Market in the South End followed by the NE Aquarium. It was bitterly cold so after a quick trip in the South End Indoor Farmer’s Market where I bought some Ravioli from Valicenti Organico , some pepper-butter, fresh eggs and some dip we decided we needed food. I thought since we were in the South End already why not go to the Pajama Brunch at Tremont 647, Sister Sorel on Tremont Street, we walked the 10 blocks or so in the freezing temps. Was happy to enjoy some good food and a Bloody Mary. I was starting to feel pretty ill and the Aquarium will be there another day so we decided to head back to Quincy with a  quick stop at the market, which resulted in a delicious dinner cooked by Scott, using the Multigrain Portabello, Spinach and Chevre ravioli and a sauce he made up. I had left overs for lunch yesterday, was fantastic even the 2nd time. I woke up yesterday morning feeling not so grand so decided on a sick day, in retrospect I should have worked yesterday and stayed home today, oh well. I laid in bed for a few hours then Will got home so I sat on the couch with my laptop in darkness almost too zombie like to care. I did end up making up a big pan of Mashed Potatoes using multi colored potatoes, resulting in grey mashed potatoes…

I wish I wouldn’t have been sick this weekend, but silly me still forced myself out and about, no hiking this weekend which made me sad but it was in my defense a bitterly cold weekend and I am sure on top of any mountain is was ten times worse.

Hello Friday, always a welcoming site to see you again.

Although I think I may be battling a cold, or chest “thing” and that is not okay by me. I have a busy, fun weekend ahead and don’t have time for such nonsense.

Tonight is a take it easy night, bake some cookies, drink some wine and watch a movie in bed. Sounds downright delightful to me. Tomorrow morning I am suppose to hike with my gal Chris, I am hopeful that I won’t wake up in the morning feeling like death. Then later in the afternoon heading to Quincy for the night, Sunday was suppose to be another hike but a tad worried with feeling under the weather I suppose a trip to the aquarium may be a better option, I have passes I got on Living Social that are good until the end of the month. Maybe get brunch somewhere,  again I hope I am just not deathly sick.

Monday I have to go to Connecticut after work to try on a dress because the dress we picked out for Mike and Sam’s wedding was discontinued. And Tuesday pedicures with my friend Jess, we will take our “mostly wear athletic shoes” feet to get pretty.

So the an article in Boston Magazine has made its way around Facebook and Twitter simply titled “Single By Choice: Why More of Us Than Ever Before are Happy to Never Get Married” . Between my posting it on Facebook and about 8 other people I know the mixture of thoughts on the article came thru. Some believed 100% that monogamy was dead and so wasn’t sharing your life with one person. A few of us questioned the bases of the “numbers”, such as what does the census consider a “single”. The article portrays the image of what you think of with a single: Living alone, wrapped up in an active social life with friends, non-dating, travel the world single”. But in reality single can also be “Living with Significant Other- unmarried” which has been the reality in my own life a couple times.

I have yet to meet anyone that is 100% single by choice and chooses NOT to date (at all?), I think we are hardwired to “partner up” we are meant to be pairs. Don’t get me wrong I love my space, my personal time and the ability to do whatever I want when I want to do it, but I still actively seek someone to have a great time with. Relationships do not mean the end of your life as you know it, if you meet the right person and both respect each others passions and time. I have choose not to date over the last couple years and then I choose to date, I want to meet someone and as much as I like going against the grain of society I like being partnered up, it causes me to slow down just a little bit.

Along with this article there has been some chatter within my friends about “defining BUSY”. I consider myself a very busy person but other than work my busy is doing 100% what I want to do. So because I choose to make FUN my BUSY I have friends with families where they bring the kids to soccer and dance saying that my exhaustion at the end of the week is unwarranted.  But if I would have decided to pop out a couple kids in my 20′s the wrapping my life 100% in my children then my exhaustion would be understood. I am sorry but this makes no  sense to me. How I choose to live my life brings me happiness, meeting a girlfriend after work for drinks and food, or being able to see some live music on a Wednesday night at the Middle East, being able to hike or jump in the car at a moments notice and go on an adventure makes me who I am. So yes I am busy, and yes my busy is fun. In all honesty why would I not want it to be? I am able to fill my calendar full of things to do that make me happy, bring me personal fulfillment, seems okay to me.

My life is a never ending adventure (Adventure being what occurs once something goes awry). This past weekend was my birthday weekend filled with great times with my friends and unexpected adventures.

Friday being my 32^nd birthday, (damn) I had plans with Kelly and Matt to go to dinner at Nancy Chang’s and whatever after that. I left work early and made a couple stops for some B-day shopping for myself. Once I was home I decided to do my normal routine of nails and maybe a quick nap before dinner, but of course expect the unexpected always when it comes to my life. I was text to meet Kelly and Matt at Vincent’s for some “pre gaming”. So I jumped in for a quick shower and Will and I headed to Vincent’s. Dinner was planned for 7pm, and Brad was joining us also. The five of us sat at a round table, which are always my ideal as you can speak with everyone at the table, I never fully understood rectangle tables (okay sorry for the table shape tangent). We split a Scorpion Bowl, ate delicious food and I believe I was laughing to the point of tears. I was asked to join some people at Vincent’s for music listening and Birthday celebration, but I passed as I had a hike the next morning with Quincy fellow Scott.

I got up early, and ready for a 50+ degree day in January, woot woot! Dressed, packed my small pack and headed to Quincy to hike the Blue Hills with Scott. I arrived at the lot near the trailhead early and waited, he arrived with homemade Cranberry- Coconut muffins and tumblers of Mocha with Almond Milk, awesomeness. So our 5-6 mile hike ended up being roughly about 10 miles as we were chatting and took a trail that brought us to an area we didn’t expect to go to, oh well it was in the mid- 50’s out and sunny. He had a football game to make it to and I needed to get home to get the house ready for my Game Night/Crystal’s Birthday Party, but still ended up hiking until 3:30ish. My step dad was brought to UMass via Ambulance on Friday night because of chest pains and they wanted to do a full workup on him. So needless to say my folks did not make it to game night. So I felt it was safe to invite Scott and throw him in the middle of 15-20 of my friends right away, I believe in sink or swim. If you can not manage yourself around my friends then it would never work, as they are my world.

Thankful my amazing cousin has been staying with me was able to get the loft all “Pre-Party” ready as I was gone hiking longer then I planned. I got home, showered, picked up the bedroom area and cleaned the bathroom; all we then needed was people. I ended up with a good 15 people at the loft; it was a fabulous evening with my friends, laughs were had and overall I am always reminded of how truly lucky I am to have the people in my life that I do. Ended up being a very late night, with maybe 1-3 hours of sleep. Sunday morning I had agreed to head to Yonkers NY with Jason so he could get the 1996 Jeep he has been looking for. I was sleep deprived and just not all that much in the mood to be doing anything. What the hell was I thinking waking up early after no real sleep, after an evening of friends, food and games? So we got to NY, he decided that in fact he wanted the Jeep so the guy needed an hour to clear out, put the other tires in the back and such. We grabbed brunch at the Yorktown Diner; we both sat in almost silence from a late night. There was an issue with the Jeep not starting and we needed to jump it to get it started, but it made it back to Worcester without much issue. I was texting with Scott and somehow I thought after driving/riding for almost 300 miles on no sleep that I would throw another 50 miles in there and head to Quincy for the evening.  Yesterday after work I wanted nothing more then to chill, I ran to EMS as Jason gave me a gift card for my birthday to there and to Divine Day Spa, I bought a pair of minimalist trail shoes and a couple shirts and some wicking under garments.

It was overall a great weekend even if I lacked sleep; I have to say so far 2012 is off to a pretty great start. Tonight meeting Jen for drinks/food at Eastern Standard, tomorrow night have plans with Scott, Thursday dinner with Mike. P to discuss potential roommate situation for the spring. Saturday planned a hike with my friend Chris; I miss her so I can’t wait and she is bringing Ezra her pup, Yay I get to hike with a dog. Sunday I believe Scott and I will be doing something. This means Friday night is my stay in and chill night, I am NOT making plans, promise to myself.

“I do not want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.” ~ Diane Ackerman

Happy 32nd Birthday to Me !!!! This is my 6th year of Birthday Post, some don’t even relate to my birthday like 2007 when Neil and I were in the midst of painting and setting up home on Ludlow Street, some are a week late and some are POORLY written. If only I would have known then what I know now, that I would still be writing here 6 years later.

2006 Birthday

2007 Birthday

2008 Birthday

2009 Birthday

2010 Birthday

2011 Birthday

I feel like like I have lived a thousand lives in the last 6 years, and I am excited to see what this year brings.

Last night I had a “Coffee Date”-turned “Dinner Date”-Turned “Walk Around Newtonville Date”-turned “Tea at Starbucks”… It was a pretty grand evening I enjoyed myself a great deal, nice for a change for ease of conversation and just enjoying someone new. We are going hiking tomorrow at the Blue Hills, should be fun.

Tonight getting dinner with Kelly and Matt at Nancy Chang’s who knows if anything after that, tomorrow morning hike followed by preparing for Game Night/Party with my friends at the loft.

Happy Rockin Birthday to Me!!!!

12:12pm…I will be 32 years old in 24 hours and 10 minutes, when the hell did this become my life, when did I even enter my 30′s. I have to say that my 30′s have been the best time of my life so far, some very interesting times, new people,experiences and really focusing on me for once. But really 32, how can this be…

No real plans tomorrow after work, but Saturday I am suppose to hike and then I have a Game Night/Crystal’s Birthday Party, should be a great evening. Sunday going to Yonkers,NY with Jason so he can check on a older model Jeep Cherokee he wants to buy. I will most likely go out tonight to the Dive, after a “after-work coffee date” here in Newton… I should just take tomorrow off.

First work day of 2012, and I already stated it was Monday twice; maybe I should have taken another day off.

Friday night I had originally planned to meet all the peoples I love at Ralph’s for a show but due to going out the night before and the longest short week on the planet I dragged Will to go see “New Years Eve” at the movies with me and a quick shopping run to try to find an outfit for NYE.  Then I was exhausted to the point I just wanted to put on sweats and curl up in my warm, comfy bed. I awoke at midnight to multiple texts from Jason asking why I was not out and if I was dead… I should have replied that I died.

I woke up on Saturday morning and ran to the gym, grabbed a tea at Starbucks and then ran home to get showered so I could still find something to wear that night. I needed to shine. Dragged Will with me to the mall and found a sequined shirt wicked cheap and decided to use my black skinny jeans and black blazer and call it a day. Jason text me to say he had some Vegan Stew for me so we headed over to Jason’s for food, drink (coffee and beer) and hung out for a bit. Then I needed to get home, after a quick stop for cheap, fun earrings and necklace. Got my ass ready, felt good about the outfit and headed to Marlborough to meet up with Brad. We got to Frank’s in Cambridge around 6pm, all had a cocktail and then headed to the Somerville Theater for Slutcracker. I was impressed it was a good performance but I agreed with what I was told pre-show, the first act is kind of slow, the second act was just awesome. How can a 12 foot Candy Cane colored Dildo not be awesome?  We then hopped on the T back to Central Sq, grabbed some nosh at Falafel Palace and back to Frank’s pad. I will leave it at a pretty awesome evening, early morning with some great people, lots of memories made on that evening. Made a new hiking buddy, drank way too much scotch and got home and in bed around 5am. Thanks to Darren and Vickie for their drink making and food making skills, enjoyed some grand vegan treats and amazing cocktails.

Collapsing into bed at 5am doesn’t make for one wanting to hike at noon, I woke up at 10am, most likely still buzzed from the night before, damn scotch. Text Jason to see what he was up to and if he wanted to grab brunch so I met him, Dan and a friend of his at 11:30 at the Abbey. 3 Bloody Mary’s and an amazing breakfast with friends I then headed home, hoping to take a nap but that never happened. Instead Will and I headed to Kelly’s house for Reflection Day-Hangover Party, where we ate, drank and played games. A great time was had by all. I was supposed to go to my friend Jess and Dave’s January 2^nd Eve party but I was tired and still a tad hungover (god my old age I am NOT able to hang anymore) so instead I headed home to sleep.

I woke yesterday well rested and ready to take on the world. I ran some errands such as an 8am Target run and then came home to get ready to head to Ikea was meeting a chap there as it was half way from Falmouth and Worcester, I suppose as we were 99% matches on OkC we may have both had inflated expectations of the other person, he was nice, cute but I am not sure there was enough there from either one of us to consider a relationship with someone who lives 75 miles away, no matter how great a guy is I would almost become resentful having to give up my weekends to go away all the time. Oh well we tried, we had to meet being such high matches… So now I don’t really trust OkC’s ratings but also it can not measure chemistry IRL.

I made a couple stops on the way home at Whole Foods and Home Goods, bought myself a new pan, and some food for knitting night at the loft. Went home and cleaned the loft a bit, made a yummy dinner and drank some yummy beer and waited for the gals to come over. We knitted, we talked and then it was time for me to go to bed.

Back to the grind today, back to school research today, back to figuring out my next step.

Goals for 2011

1. Loss 25 more lbs and gain higher fitness level- Yeah this did not happen, I did maintain all year but this didn’t happen.

2. Become a TRUE all year hiker and get outdoors everyday.-I did do this, I hiked each season, I hiked about 29 hikes from Wachusett to Katahdin.

3. Pay down my credit cards and build a savings.- Another Yikes

4. Go back to school in March- I did do this but I went for two terms and decided it isn’t the program I wanted, so working on figuring out what I really want to do.

5. Become a GREAT rock climber- Nope didn’t happen, weekends filled up with hiking and not climbing…

6. Start Biking More- Again hiking took all my time up

7. Be a better friend to those in my life. I think I did this, I grew all my friendships.

8. GET MY RHIT… OVERDUE- NOPE…

Some of these will be moved and altered for 2012…

Shit Shit Shit…Fuck Fuck Fuck…

Something HAS GOT TO GIVE soon. What is wrong with me? I contacted the school (Fisher College) to find out about re-enrollment for my degree there, maybe if I start classes again I will feel better about things, my life, my decisions.

I backed out of coffee with a guy the other day, one I have already met, went on a date with and chatted with last year, the timing I guess wasn’t right for him, but now maybe it isn’t right for me. I don’t know, I don’t trust me, him, the male gender in general. I had a lot of heartache this year and I am not sure I can do that again. So I have slowly re-built the walls that tumbled so easily this past summer, I am making them stronger then ever before, because no matter what anyone says, it is not worth it. Emotions get involved and life turns to shit, to the point I don’t even recognize myself anymore. So I decided not to go on the coffee date because I already know this is a guy who I would end up wanting around more, and I am not sure that is a good thing.

In the process I confused the fuck out of him, wow for once I am the fucked up one, the one who is a bit damaged. I didn’t mean to, I suppose I am just scared. I can keep myself safe by dating guys I know I won’t want more with, that seems very productive….right?

I am meeting a guy on Monday I am excited to meet, but the little issue that we live 75 miles apart, who knows… But seems to have a very similar sense of humor and upbeat/positive.. I like that. (and 28 )

I need to go home, take a nice hot shower, do my nails, have a cocktail and begin my weekend… Getting out in the woods tomorrow for a bit and then again on Sunday, wish it would just SNOW now. I need some Crystal time this weekend…BREATHE

Looking forward to a couple things in the next week plus…

Tonight most likely hit up the Dive Bar for some Pre-New Years music and drink. I have been in the house for the last few nights, wallowing in my own doldrums ( I need to snap out of it).

Tomorrow may take it easy or head to Ralph’s to see Curtain Society, Huck and Thinner.

Saturday I think a morning hike is due, I need it for mind clearing and for fitness. Saturday night being NYE I am heading to Boston with Brad and his friends to see Slutcracker at the Somerville Theater and then party at Frank’s Central Sq. Pad.

Sunday is a busy day, oops didn’t plan it that way. First doing a simple Wachusett hike with the Sunday Hiker Group, we chatted to having a New Years toast. Then Kelly is having her annual Day of Reflection- Hangover Party, and also my friend Jess and Dave are having their “January 2nd Eve Party” their description alone makes me anxious for the evening:

Monday I am meeting up with a chap named Drew, should be a good time.

Next Friday being my birthday I was looking for a way to get all my friends together without “throwing a party for myself” so I planned a Game Night-Crystal’s Birthday-Could be the last party in the loft” Get together.

So overall I am looking forward to the new year….

It is the end of December, the end of 2011. I am almost grateful for that fact, I want a new beginning, and put an end to somethings that caused me anguish this year.

WORK:

Let’s see I didn’t change jobs this year, there is a BIG plus, I am slowly learning that is it worth putting time into a company that overall wants to do well by all their employees. They give us bonuses and raises in a time that most companies are laying people off and your lucky if you are paid fair market value for the services you can provide, contribute to the organization. I was able to get a couple thousand dollars back to cover school cost, make a decent wage, get a raise, and get a end of year bonus. Not to shabby.

SOCIAL:

I developed my relationships with my friends, invested more, decided that their friendship was worth me having an 80 mile RT commute to work each day and staying in Worcester. I have some how became the gal that people contact to see “So What’s happening tonight?” I have been able to have amazing times with my friends from weekends in Brattleboro VT for the beer fest and good times in the Spring to Tweed River Music Festival in the summer, Kelly’s 40th B-day Celebration last January, endless gatherings such as Oktoberfest, Game Nights, Whisk(e)y Tastings and holiday celebrations. Brunch on the weekends at the Abbey or WooDaddy Waffles, or a quick Sunday morning breakfast at Blanchard’s Diner. I finally finished something I knit, with the the encouragement of Liz, Melissa and Kelly.

LOVE:

This is a tricky one, this “I build walls just to build walls” opened up to someone this year, and if you are a reader you know who I speak of. It didn’t work out but I have learned a great deal. I know that I require stability, I can give love and support, that I can have solid conversations about what is bothering me or what brings me happiness. I learned that as hard as it is I CAN walk away from someone I love, when I realize I am not the exception, and I am not able to change the persons ideas on relationships. I learned that my heart is breakable and I am not a robot. In the process of loving I was able to without fear express myself and open up 100% to someone. So although ideally it did not work out, I am stronger women because of it, I knew what my needs were, I stated them and did not settle for less.

INTEREST:

HIKING, that was my year, I hiked 28 times this year from Wachusett to Katahdin, I got out as much as possible.I committed to winter hiking, I solo hiked a big mountain, I re-found my love for mountains. I was not as strong of a hiker as I would like to be, but I am getting there and in all honesty I know what I need to do.

Knitting: I am getting better and completing projects.. Woot Woot

Overall it was not a horrible year, but it was a hard year and I am excited for 2012 and getting moving on my goals that I tended to slack on this year.

Some pics of events, people and life in 2011… Click on images to enlarge

The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be” ~Marcel Pagnol

I think this is the week of exhaustion.

I had a pretty awesome weekend but going to document it in bullet points as I am too tired to think and short on free time.

Friday

• Headed to Providence to see Jason’s band http://www.facebook.com/garagesalepicassoplay at the Providence Social Club (aka use to be Jerky’s and Babyhead). It was an early show so post show we headed  back to Worcester for a beer and dogs off the truck at the Dive.

Saturday

• Woke up and did a lot of morning errands, hit the gym and got myself situated for what was going to be a 2pm-2am busy schedule, ended up being a 2pm-6am busy schedule.
• Headed to the Worcester Photo Studio for Worcester Free School’s Creative Projects as Gifts, I helped with the Zentangle table, there was jewelry making, ornament making, how to take a good holiday photo etc… It was a pretty grand event.
• Ran with all my STUFF to my sisters house in Connecticut for the family Christmas party, there was family, friends, food, drinks, and a very fun round of Yankee Swap, the amount of booze involved cracks me up.
• I had made tentative plans with Kelly (Singleton) and Lauren from a few weeks ago, so I met up with them and a few other folks at Pangaea (Wine Bar in Putnam). Saw an old friend who I haven’t seen in at least 12 years who is the bartender at Pangaea. We then walked down to Pyzzz for more drinks, dancing and (wow) Putnam drama, it is hard for me to think of many of the people I know PAST their high school selves and I think that happens with their ideas of me, too funny. Soon my cousin Vanessa and her boyfriend Bill showed up and then Jen with Jen D.  Josh (Tate, bartender) showed up and then I went to chill with him until all hour of the night, drunken conversation and pizza eating at 5am… Yeah I am NOT 22 anymore.

Sunday

• Made it back to Worcester just around 10am, text Kelly and they were heading to brunch, I knew I needed a Bloody Mary and food, so I met up with her and Matt. A full stomach, hungover and sleep deprived I went to bed from noon until 3pm, just waking up with enough time to get myself together for Cathy’s “Chicks, Cocktails and Cookies” shindig, she baked some amazing cookies with ingredients such as Juniper Berries, cardamom and black pepper, all in one cookie. I then went home and was in bed within 3 hours…

Monday

• Grabbed the last of the supplies to make the body scrubs for the gals…my house now smells of lavender, waited on Scott to meet me at the house to go knit. It was gift exchange night, Kelly gave me the prettiest scarf which I HAD to wear today, a set of Dice (love DICE) and a great “Knit Purl” shirt from Liz….

Somehow as of late nail polish buying has become my addiction..

So today is the funeral of the Worcester Firefighter who died in the fire last Thursday, a somber day in Worcester. I did not know him but many of my friends did and my heart goes out to them.

I have been really busy at work the past month, I think it is a welcomed change as my days fly, and I am sure come January it will slow down. Pretty anxious for this week to end, and maybe 2011 also.

This past Monday the loft sold in the foreclosure auction, Sigh… I knew it was coming I just didn’t think I would be so sadden by it, an end of an era, without that loft I would say a good 150 post over the years wouldn’t have existed and a whole blog dedicated to the loft. It was a lesson learned but too bad it happened the way it did. Seems the owner in another until is interested in buying the shades, we spent a lot of money on them and all that is being left is the 4 walls. Also going to sell the Washer and Dryer perhaps.

Planning the next step, but first gonna get December out of the way…

Looking forward to this coming weekend… Friday night heading down to Providence to see Jason’s band play, then Saturday get a morning hike in, followed by Liz’s event through her established Worcester Free School for making Craft Projects as Gifts ( I am working/helping the Zentangle table) then off to my sisters for the Christmas Party, and ending the night between drinks with old friends Kelly and Lauren and maybe hit up Ralph’s at the end of the night… Sunday the normal brunch and a cocktail party in the early evening… Full, Busy but going to be a marvelous weekend…

Been a busy past week as always, I think I thrive on being endlessly busy.

A recap: Monday last week I had a late meeting with some issue we have been trying to wrap our heads around at work, so then I rushed to get back to Worcester to meet Kelly at the Hanover to check out the No Evil Project that her friend Troy put together, I have yet to submit my pics to the project. More or less it is the See No Evil, Speak No Evil, and Hear No Evil with three words/stereotypes that define you. Then we headed to knitting, where Crystal FINALLY finished a scarf, after a million small starts on projects I finally finished something and that gave me the motivation to get my mothers done quickly. So I am hammering it out as quickly as I can. Tuesday I meet a guy for dinner and drinks at Public House in Brookline, he choose so points for choosing a place I like a lot. I think I am becoming a serial dater, not my style, but I suppose someone will “stick” at some point. Or not… Thursday night hung out with Tyler, a chap from Barre that hikes etc so we chatted and drank yummy beer, I stayed up far later then I had planned taking into account I knew the next day would be a long one.

So Friday after work I waited for Pam whom I was giving a ride to Andover Park and Ride to meet up with Tom to head to the SubSig in Crawford Notch. We hit some traffic but with a stop at Woodstock Inn for dinner and a beer we got there around 9pm. We got ourselves settled and the three of us were the first to try to sleep around 10:30ish. Woke up in the morning had coffee, bagels, fruit and eggs to fuel our bodies for a cold weather hike (it is a damn shame this can’t count as a winter hike).

We ended up getting a late start as one of the fellow hikers car went off the road due to poor traction (tires) and ice on the road for the trailhead, this caused some concern, but one of the leaders stayed with him to wait for a tow truck to get the car out of the ditch, both the car and driver were fine. The trails we did were York Pond Trail to Bunnell Trail to Mt Cabot Trail which was a combined just less than 5 miles for the ascent. I won’t lie; not sure if it was not drinking enough water, not being rested well etc, but I was having a hard time on this hike. The beginning couple miles was okay but then when it got steep I had slipped and banged my knee, which was not any help in my steady climb on Mt Cabot trail. I decided maybe I should not do any more AMC hikes for a bit, until I am 100% where I need to be. I have been working out again like a champ, hiking as much as I can. But maybe solo or with Meetup’s will work for now. I just don’t like being the slow hiker on the trail nor do I want to piss people off. I just do better hiking along as I am not speeding thru a trail to keep up with a much faster hiker which in turn makes me tired quicker and being at the back of the pack causes the slinky effect. This means the rest of the group stops for a food, drink, pee, un-layer break and once you get there to stop they are headed their way again, which means you never really get a break. I was having an off day, so not the best hike but I always look back at them with happy thoughts.

The ascent took 4 hours and the descent took 2 ½ hours. It was getting dark at the end of the hike but we got out just as dusk turned to darkness. The trails are narrow so due to snow falling on Wednesday we had to battle slightly narrower trails which meant single file hiking, the top portion of the mountain is a much harder, steeper, but thankful for “New England” style switchbacks, I say this because they still don’t compare to switchbacks out west. The bottom of the mountain on the York Pond and Bunnell trails has a lot of river/stream crossings which either were MUD or slick wet rocks. My spikes had been cased with mud and iced over, and I have yet washed my boots or gaiters to get all the mud off.

Tom needed to get home, but Pam had left her wallet back at the SubSig, and there is no easy route to cover 20 miles, honestly almost an hour drive back to Crawford Notch because of those  big silly mountains make for longer trips. The ride back I ended up nodding off a few times and we got back to Andover around 9pm, I then drove home and was back in Worcester around 10pm. I took a hot shower and went to bed.

I woke up yesterday with a HUGE bruise and a lot of pain in that knee, the rest of my body is normal post-hike muscle pain such as calves and back.  I planned on breakfast with Jason as I have not seen him in over a week (bad husband) I then ran some errands and got to Kelly’s around 1pm for a day of Christmas movies, baking, cooking, holiday cocktails, tree decorating (poor Kelly is allergic to her tree so I did it for her) It was a full day at Kelly’s, a lot of fun got home after 10 last night post watching the annual Love Actually. Great day with friends spending some time together pre-holiday when we are all so busy, I even picked up a cute new ornament for the tree as I can not have my own. Well thanks to two trouble kitties and concrete floors. I made some Peanut Butter- Nutella Cookies which seemed to have been a hit. Thank you to Matt for sharing the Firestone Walker 14th Anniversary Ale..

Here we are at Monday and I am exhausted, I could have stayed in bed all day and been fine with that. Tonight is knitting with the gals, then tomorrow meeting for coffee a guy whom I have been chatting with (see serial dater…blah) I have a very busy weekend coming up next weekend so need to get some things done at home at some point.

This coming Saturday I have a hike on Mt Cabot in New Hampshire, the northernmost mountain over 4,000 feet in the Whites, about 45 miles from the Canadian border. But I can’t help to be nervous here is why:

• My knees are killing me, this past couple weeks I have been an aching mess
• It’s an AMC hike and it is 9.6 miles which means almost 10 miles with some very strong hikers with a projected hike/book time of 6/7 hours.
• The distance, I am trying to figure out when to head up there, either 4 hour drive after work on Friday or 4 hour drive to get to a trail head for 7:30 (which means leaving my house at 3:30am) and then driving back 4 hours after hiking 6-7 hours/ 10 miles. So far I may have a carpool buddy if I leave Saturday morning but 8 hours of driving around a big hike, does not sound all that appealing.
• I have kicked up my cardio and been working out and hiking as much as I can as of late, I still worry it is not enough.

Part of me wants to say “never mind” the Cabot hike and maybe do another more southern 4,000er on my own on Saturday….

Sighhhhhh Don’t know why I get so nervous about these trips…

Always Monday it appears to be…Sleepy today yet I slept well last night only waking up 2 minutes prior to my alarm going off.

Thursday night I stayed in as I had been running around all week, meeting people after work and not getting any rest. So I stayed in and made some Kale Chips and a Carrot-Ginger-Delicata Squash- Japanese Yam Soup. Both came out yummy and I finished off all the Kale Chips that evening.

Getting an amazing and rare amount of sleep on a Thursday night I was in a chipper mood for a very busy Friday at work and so very ready to head out on Friday night. Early in the day I got a friend request from this guy Adam (I noticed he was friends with Jason, so he must have seen me post on his page) so I accepted and said to him “Didn’t we chat last winter on OkC?” and he wrote me back and was like “Yes but we also met at the Inn in Brattleboro and then again at the Dive”  I then remembered he and his girlfriend at the time were at 40 Putney Road when we were, they broke up around the same time as Neil and I and his ex Rachel (I believe that was her name) contacted me because she was living in Worcester and we were going to get together, not sure whatever happened with that. So either way it is a small world, even for the people who live in Boston (amazed at how many people I know sometimes) Anyways his band was playing at Ralph’s that night so I decided to head out with Jason. We met at the Dive, chatted with some friends had a beer then over to Ralph’s we went. Danced and chatted, had some drinks, he headed out with some gal and I went home, it ended up being a late night I saw 6am as I had some people over.

I was going to go hiking on Saturday but the late bed time didn’t work, cooked a mean ass breakfast at 8:30 and then went back to bed until 3pm. Just enough time to get ready, run a couple errands, grab a coffee and head to Connecticut for the Wedding Party Dinner. We met at the best man’s parent’s restaurant, had his father singing and playing the ukulele. It was a good time indeed Drinks, Food, Laughs, oh the preview of what the reception will look like. After dinner I headed back to Worcester, 60 miles to home and I was still sort of tired. So home and in bed on Saturday by 10pm. I have concluded that “the nights you should go out” I end up in because I go out on the nights you should stay in too much.

Yesterday was a very WORCESTER-Centric day, all the many reasons I love Worcester. I woke up and headed to the gym (Worcester Fitness) then home and got ready for brunch with Kelly and Matt  I walked up to brunch and saw they were filming a movie outside Annie’s (we were joined by Liz, Jen M and her family) at WooDaddy Waffles, breakfast for 6 bucks and a Bloody Mary for 6, cheap brunch. Then I headed to the Worcester Indoor Farmer’s Market and grabbed some more Kale and some eggs from the farm. Yesterday was stART at the Station, did the general 1^st loop around to check everything out then the 2^nd loop where as I am kinda poor right now I bought a candle and some lotions etc. Of course stART is always a social event, it is the place where you see everyone you know in a small condensed space, lots of hugs and chatter. Kelly and Matt dropped me off and I headed to WooBerry for some frozen yogurt. Decided to grab a movie from the Redbox, head home and relax the rest of the evening.

Overall a great weekend….

When I begin to feel overwhelmed and I am backed into a wall feeling as if I have limited chooses and what is occurring is out of my control, is when I have the most power to make something amazing happen.

I am not satisfied with portions of my life, I wish I had more money, I wish I could figure out what I want. This is my normal December introspective mindset, every year end I feel like something I am doing is not what I should be doing. I feel that some major changes need to occur so I can grow.

Almost 100% sure in the next few months I will:

• Move, again I know but this is the way I set my life up, been this way for 31 years I suppose I am not going to change anytime soon. I have physically moved myself 16 times since I was 17 years old. That has spanned 9 cities and towns. So this is a change I take well, but I can honestly say I am sick of moving my shit and overall for a almost 32 year old gal other than clothes and outdoor gear I do not own much.
• Change 100% what I am finishing my degree in, I took this semester off to sit for my RHIT and figure out my next step. I have not enjoyed or been motivated by the classes I have taken for my bachelors degree in HIM. It was the practical approach, the direction in which as long as I put all of me out there I am pretty confident I will always have a job. Looking at ways to complete a degree in Environmental Science and Policy, chatted with my friend Jess about the program at Clark but I would need to be able to attend school in the day time. I will be looking into programs at other schools also. I just can’t imagine another $20k going to a degree I am not all that excited to obtain at this point.
• Give up on my search for love, well I suppose I haven’t been searching all that much. I want someone perfect for me and maybe that person doesn’t exist. I have been looking for all the reasons every guy I meet is wrong for me, maybe after opening my heart to someone this year and it being the wrong thing to do, I am back to overly cautious Crystal. I know I have a lot to offer someone; I need to meet the person that has something to offer me. The mundane will never work, I need the person to challenge me, who does more, has done more etc. Someone who will keep me on my toes. I am perfectly fine being single I am sure my tone will change as the winter comes and I wish I had someone to cuddle and watch movies with. I’m just not settling, why should I?
• Get my fitness back in order, been having a hard time motivating myself and the only real motivation I have to hit the gym is the better my cardiovascular health the more I enjoy hiking. Jess wants me to buy a Cross bike so I can start riding with her and (hehehehe) she wants me to ride cross with her next year, I highly doubt in one year I could be ready for that.  I need a passion that gets me outside during the week; now that it is dark at 4:30 hiking after work isn’t the best option, coming down a mountain with a headlamp I am sure to hurt myself.

Hello December 1^st we meet again…Sighhhhhhhh

Can I have a do-over? Of the last 12 years of my life pretty please. I am sure there are parts I wouldn’t change but when decisions I want to make now are greatly influenced by people or things that were part of my life in the last decade plus, I feel like I can’t get ahead.

Something I always assumed was an option, I suppose I am learning may not be… Such is life, at least mine

What a busy long holiday weekend it was….

Wednesday night I headed out to meet up with Kelly and Matt at the Dive, listen to some music and be the band bitch. Tried not to make it an exceptionally late evening due to having things to do in the am before heading to Connecticut.

Thanksgiving morning I woke up around 8am, wow I slept in! I started prepping my soup, which ended up being a Parsnip-Sweet Potato-Butternut Squash-Pumpkin-Ginger Bisque. It was flavorful. Rich was an orphan for the holiday so I invited him to my parents with me, so he met me at the house around 11:30 to head to Putnam. Dinner was great, the family was all over a solid 12 of us for the day, and my mother must have cooked enough food and baked enough desserts for an army. Rich and I left around 4ish to head to Millbury to see The Muppets Movie. I very much loved the Muppet’s and have decided this day forward I am “Traveling by Map”, will make hiking the Dolomites a weekend adventure. Went back and chilled at the loft while Rich decided on what guys on OkC I should be contacting, too funny. Jason text me saying he was heading to the Dive for 9ish. So I ended up meeting with him and Dan with pie in hand for Mike and Sara while they tended bar. A lot of conversation occurred that had me thinking and a bit confused but like everything else it will work its way out in my brain at some point. Dan was not helping the situation, with his “Don’t settle for being the friend, if you want more” and “Be okay with the No” and the best “Unspoken Body Language” enough to confuse this gal. I very much dropped my phone in the toilet at the Dive and even after drying it out and soaking it in rice it is not working, so been slumming it with my Blackberry sans internet all weekend.

Friday I went to AT&T first thing, he confirmed I had insurance and gave me the number to call; new phone is ordered and delivered on the 28^th it states. I went to the gym, did some quick runs to get some food in the house and a trip to EMS to use the gift card I have and got myself a pair of the Endo Trek pants finally. I had a date in Pawtucket on Friday evening, ended up being about 8 hours, I had a good time. We met at Doherty’s East Ave, impressive beer selection. 85$ in beer and whiskey later, and about 4 hours we headed out. Headed home from Rhode Island around midnight and home around 1am, god I needed sleep.

Saturday morning I woke up and got ready as Jason and I were going for a hike, we headed to Mt Watatic in Ashburnham; it is a short hike only 1.2 miles up to the summit from the trailhead off 119. But it is pretty steep to reach the 1800 feet. So a short but good hike followed by lunch and beers at the Gardner Ale House which we happened to show up for their Year in Beer Party, which featured 19 of their beers from thru out the year. Yummy lunch and a great selection of beer, I got the Facelift IPA, loved it.

Upon getting home it was almost time for me to get ready to head to Connecticut to see Kelly and her family. Had dinner and cake (Gloria’s B-day) and visited for a while with Kelly.

Sunday I promised myself I wouldn’t be driving all over the place as I have been for days, so went to the gym in the am, followed by brunch of Veggie Quiche (Sweet Potato and Cheve) with the Momberger gang . Then had some running around and a quick stop at the Indoor Farmer’s Market off Chandler Street, small but decent selection, I picked up some kale, delicate squash, white satin carrots, sweet bolero carrots and some lip balm. Headed home to get some cleaning and relax a bit. Planned on meeting Kelly and all her people at Vincent’s around 6pm to see John Short, but he didn’t play so we instead headed to Nick’s for music, German fare and cocktails, we played some dice with her folks and had a very good time.

Had a very busy weekend and now expect a busy week at work…

Since the AMC requires a list of the last years worth of hikes when ever I sign up for a hike I decided yesterday to put together a list of what I have done this year. LAME for the most part, not too many impressive hikes by anymeans. But maybe this next year. I think my biggest obstical was the thought of paying $50 plus dollars in gas to drive up for a hike, I think some hikes I was suppose to do I didn’t because of this, hence why I need to move up north, as you can see I am at Wachusett and Monadnock the most only because of proximity.

I want to be able to hike more in 2012, and maybe get more of the 4000er’s complete, why not right…

Winter Hiking Experience:

December 2010, Mt Wachusett Worcester Chapter with Stephanie via West Side to Old Indian

December 2010, Douglas State Forest

January 2011, Mt Cardigan, Worcester Chapter with Paul Glazebrook via “West Ridge” Not sure which trail it was.

January 2011, Tully Lake/Long Pond Trail Worcester AMC and Meetup Hike.

February 2011, Mt Monadnock, Hiking Meetup Group via White Dot/White Cross Trails

February 2011, Mt Wachusett, SOLO West Side to Old Indian

February 2011, Cannon Mt, Hiking Meetup Group

March 2011, Mt Moosilauke, Boston Chapter with Kevin Fredette/Stephen via Glencliff Trail

11/9/11 Advance Winter Hiking Series Class

2011 Hiking Experience:

4/3/11 Mt Monadnock, SOLO via White Cross Trail

4/30/11 Mt Wachusett, SOLO via West Side to Old Indian and down Harrington

5/15/11 Smarts Mountain Loop hike with Boston AMC

5/6/11 Mt Wachusett, SOLO Via West Side to Old Indian and down Harrington

5/15/11 Mt Monadnock, SOLO via Marlborough Trail

5/29/11 Mt Greylock via Cheshire Harbor Trail

6/6/11 Mt Wachusett SOLO, via West Side to Old Indian and down Harrington

6/11/11 Mt Chocorua, w/friends via Piper Trail

6/21/11 Summer Solstice Hike Wachusett, Worcester Chapter AMC

6/25/11 Mt Osceola with Meetup Group

7/9/11 Mt Monadnock, SOLO Via Marlborough Trail.

7/20/11 Mt Katahdin, SOLO via Chimney Pond to Saddle Trail, 11 miles 9 ½ hours

9/25/11 Mt Monadnock w/Friends via Marlborough Trail

10/22/11 MidState and Wachusett Hike w/ Meetup Group

11/5/11 Gap Mountain Hike, w/ 4 Seasons Meetup Group

11/11/11 Mt Wachusett SOLO, via West Side to Old Indian

11/19/11 Mt Monadnock Solo, via Marlborough Trail

11/20/11 Mt Tom – Holyoke Ma w/Friends

11/26/11 Mt Watatic w/friends via Wapack Trail

Planned Hikes:

December 10th 2011 Mt Cabot  Worcester Chapter w/ Neil Schutzman

January 15th 2012 Mt Cardigan with Paul Glazebrook

(Oops Double Booked)

January 15th 2012 Mt Crawford w/ Boston Chapter /Kevin Fredette

Been a bit of a hard week already and it is only Tuesday, so glad I am not working Thursday and (now) Friday, I need a 4 day weekend. Some things have happened at work and within personal relationships I feel like I am trying to stay above water, at least mentally.

I was reading Thought Catalog this morning and of course I start thinking, that is what I always do, and I will admit 5 weeks ago today was the last time I saw Mike, and as much as I know it was all for the best, I do miss talking to him. How the hell did 5 weeks go by so quickly but yet I can’t stop wishing I could call, see, text or email something random to him a couple times a day. I guess I miss him in my life, but I am nowhere near ready for him to be a buddy.

I am finally where I need to be, I am back being busy with friends, the gym, hiking, knitting, work, and soon I need to get into the mind set of studying for my exam. I am sure I will fuck it up somehow…

Lessons learned this weekend…Most importantly don’t say yes to going to listen to music, drink beer and stay awake until 2:30am when you plan on hiking the next day. I am not and I repeat am not 22 years old anymore, I never seem to drink enough water so even 2-3 beers tends to make me beyond dehydrated the next day.

Anyways it was a pretty rockin weekend to say the least. Thursday I had a date, 3 hours of drudging hell and I have not learned how to properly tell someone I don’t plan on seeing them again. Not sure how two people can have completely different ideas on how a date went. But he started with a question “So have you ever met any famous people”. Did he read this in some “Icebreaker Questions for 1^st Dates”, so finally was able to gracefully exit and after that I couldn’t just go home so ended up making it a tad late evening by meeting up with Jason and friends at the Dive. I had a couple beers and headed home after venting about my 3 hour of hell date. I feel bad because honestly he seemed like a nice guy but awkward as hell and he “ didn’t get me”. I am done wasting my time with guys who either lack shared interest or don’t really have any motivation to live life.

Friday after work I was suppose to head to RI, but timing, lack of sleep and Friday traffic made this a bad idea. So instead I met Kelly and Matt for dinner at the Sole. I then went home to relax. Saturday morning I woke up ready to hike, Scott H. was planning on hiking with me but he just got another exhibit he needs to work on some paintings for. So solo Saturday hike it was. I headed up to Monadnock to the Marlborough Trail as I believe there are not many weekends where the trailhead will still be accessible.  It was damn windy on the mountain that day; it was in the 40’s at the base of the mountain and most likely with wind chill somewhere in the low to mid 20’s. It was a good day on the mountain; solo hikes get me thinking and stuck in my own head but always leave me with a clear mind where I can figure things out. The best type of therapy that exists can be found for free in the woods.

I passed this couple most likely in their late 60’s hiking down the trail while I was heading up and thought will I have that? I want to meet the person who is going to do that with me where is my hiking partner for life? Then I passed two very attractive couples hiking together and thought “wow if only I was thinner, in better shape, more attractive, maybe I would meet the guy who will hike with me forever”. I suppose I may have been down on myself for part of the hike thinking how my body has let me down; it is more or less a complete asshole to me. Having degenerative joint disease, aka osteoarthritis, I will never be BETTER but it will just progress until I am most likely not able to hike anymore. I thought how every time I get onto a great pattern of fitness and hiking something happens that then starts me back at zero. I hurt myself, I get my yearly bronchitis, something happens. Once again my body fails me. I have found again my passion in life but what I want to do and what I can do seem to be two different things. I will keep working on me as much as possible but most likely I will always be the curvy gal who likes to be at the top of mountains and over time it may take me longer to get there but I will get there. I just want more…

After my hike I headed home and cleaned and relaxed for a bit until it was time to get ready to head to Jess’s “Nightmare Before Christmas” party. Jason came over for a pre-celebration drink and then we headed to Jess’s together as I was peer pressured into heading to Ralph’s afterward. This is where the most important lesson of the weekend comes into play. So a little bit of scotch, whiskey from India and grub at Jess’s along with some chatter and seeing some folks I haven’t seen much as of late. Then Jason and I headed to Ralphs to see Thinner and Huck play, drink some beers and mingle. All of a damn sudden it was 2am, how does this happen I do not know.

Fast forward 6 hours later I am awake, barely; getting ready for hiking with Jason. He ends up running later than planned (surprise surprise) we grabbed food at Culpeppers and I needed a coffee so bad at this point and head west to Mt. Tom State Park, I hadn’t hiked there before and all cocky I was like “The summit is only 1,200 feet” well the thing I didn’t realize is you start pretty close to sea level being the Connecticut River Valley. So the elevation progress in the beginning is impressive for a “small mountain”. It was about 4 ½ mile hike with lots of very cool ledges and lookout points. Jason thought he was funny so he decided since the weather was amazing yesterday that he was going to hike shirtless for a portion of our hike. Somehow the conversation started turning into a new sport called “Topless Butt Hiking”. I was overtired, dehydrated and getting hungry so when Crystal becomes delusional I find things much more funny then they really are.

To satisfy both my hunger and the Views and Brews Badge requirement we headed to Northampton Brewery for a late lunch/early dinner.  The Mean Green IPA (This double India Pale Ale is a hop hammer. Loads of hops and a solid malt backbone, this balanced ale is the dry-hopped until delicious) was pretty tasty. I think both of us were exhausted just because of busy weekends so the ride home was quiet and chill for the most part. Once I was home I showered a very hot shower to help sooth my tired muscles after just over 10 miles of hikes the last two days.  I was then done for the night, watched a movie, played on the interwebs for a bit and was in bed by 8:30.

Monday morning it is right now, my body is achy so no work out for me today plus it is knitting night so not much time after work on Mondays. Tomorrow the dentist after work, Wednesday is Jerkus Circus with some burlesque gals which Jason wanted to check out at Ralph’s. Thursday is Thanksgiving so down to the rents for dinner then maybe by Kelly’s for desert and The Dive for drinks. Friday I am working, wish I had more time off to use right now but need to bank some for heading to South Carolina to see Tasha in January. Saturday will be a Views and Brews hike with the 4-Season Hikers Meetup group, followed by me going to Connecticut to see Kelly and her family. Busy week but lots of time with great people to look forward to so no complaints.

Here I am on Thursday, so ready for this week to be over…

• Monday I received a letter in the mail that the foreclosure auction is initially set for December 12th for the loft, I was told it will most likely be moved out a couple times but if not I believe any new owner would need to give me 90 days to move. The whole thing is kinda of sad, I almost can’t imagine the loft not occupied by myself or Neil. Here is the post I wrote about the first night in the loft. We owned it brand spanking new, it has been 4 1/2 years of a lot of craziness, an end of an era it will be. God I am too fucking sentimental for my own good.
• Tuesday I finally caught up with Paul, he was in San Fran for a few weeks and we both have been busy. It was good to see him grabbed dinner and drinks at Peppercorns and chatted about all the new shit that has occurred.
• Yesterday was a hell day of meetings at work all day…Last night I went to the Apple Store and for the 2nd time in the last week they exceeded my expectations. I brought the paperwork from last week on my 6 year old 5th Gen Video Ipod and the old Ipod. The gal comes out and states ” Well sometime between last week and this week your Ipod was retired and we are not able to ever work on it again so here is your new Ipod have a nice day” as she hands me the Ipod Classic 160g replacement, free of charge. Wow that rocked my day especially since I was expecting to pay for my replacement. This allowed me to run to Lush for some shampoo and Sephora for the nail polish I was have lusting after. Once I got home my friend Shane stopped by for a bit, was nice to have some company.

So far so good of a week I suppose, some change is coming to Crystal’s life soon but as always I embrace change and roll with it. Tonight maybe hit up the Dive and tomorrow night I am meeting a guy out for drinks, followed by some hiking this weekend and Jess’s party. Should all be a good time.

Having Friday off allowed me to go out on Thursday; I met up with Jason and a friend of his who is staying with him for a couple weeks at the Dive. Listened to some music, drank some beer and chatted with folks. He unfortunately had to work on Friday so he left around 1am, so I headed to the Dog with Brad for an hour to dance to Flock. Well there was my 2am night out, and I had planned on hiking on Friday, bad news.

I awoke on Friday a tad bit hungover, oops! But I was not about to let this stop me I got up and guzzled down some Gatorade and a couple bottles of water, jumped in the shower and decided I was not about to waste a perfectly good day. I headed up to the West Side Trail, it was a perfect Fall day but very much cool, windy and I didn’t take off my windbreaker the whole hike and also thru my hat on for a bit near the top. I only did about 5 miles but for being hungover and sleep deprived I was doing pretty well. I should know that 3-4 beers out at the Dive will do this to me; high abv is no longer my friend at almost 32 years old.  After my hike I headed home and took a nap, I had an evening out with 6 other ladies planned for my Friday night and I wasn’t about to be “NO-FUN CRYSTAL”. Kelly was only able to get an early reservation for us, but 6pm ended up working just fine for our 3 ½ hour dinner at Bocado, just kept ordering Tapas and pitchers of Sangria. After dinner Kelly, Christine and I went to Nick’s for another cocktail, I was feeling good that night. I bought a new purple dress last week on clearance for 20 bucks, wearing my heeled booties and my purple coat, my outfit worked well.  Made it until about 11pm on Friday which was a surprise even to myself, made a quick stop at the Dive before heading home.

Saturday morning I woke up and started cleaning the loft, moved furniture around, cleaned, did laundry and dishes, as I was having a dozen people over that night for Game Night. I ran some errands but for the most part was home cleaning and getting ready all day. Rich and Sara showed up around 6:30, then Jason, Brad, Julie, Kelly, Matt, and Christine. Liz did a quick stop over but had 10 other places she needed to be, as always. We had plenty of food, drink and laughs, most left by midnight then I sat with Rich and discussed politics until Jason came back, then the 3 of us chatted. Jason ended up leaving around 3:30, another late night with busy day following.

Yesterday morning I had to head to Connecticut to go Bridesmaid Dress Shopping with Sam, Megan, Jen and Terry. The first dress we tried on worked for the 3 of us bridesmaids and Megan is wearing a longer version for the Maid of Honor dress. The dress we will be wearing is THIS ONE in Key Lime. Megan’s dress will be in Guava. She wanted short dresses for us, so I have until January to get myself in tad better shape for the fitting and ordering of the dresses. We went to Chili’s to grab lunch and then headed back to Putnam. I visited with the folks for a bit then I headed home to Worcester to just chill for the evening, Sara stopped by quickly cause she forgot her bag at my house but other than that I was in bed by 8:30 last night.

Tonight Knitting is off, I know Liz is trying to talk me into seeing Dessa at the Middle East tonight, but I don’t think I can do a Monday night show, as four hours of sleep on a Monday night doesn’t make for a good week. So most likely hit the gym then just relax tonight as this weekend kicked my ass. I have plans with Paul tomorrow night; I haven’t seen him in forever. Goal is to get to the gym or hike everyday this week, I have until the middle/end of January to drop 15 lbs…

This years wish list is made of things I need and things I would love to upgrade, last night I sat in the Advance Winter Hiking Series class with the AMC and I am going to get above treeline a few times this winter if nothing more.

1. Koflach Arctics Plastic Mountaineering Boots

2. Black Diamond Raven Mountaineering Ice Axe

3. Grivel G12 Crampons

4. Osprey Xenon Pack, I need to upgrade my BIG multi-day or Winter Day hiking pack, and Osprey has done me well with the 48 liter this year.

5. Patagonia Nano Puff Jacket or Columbia Le Lustre Jacket

6. MSR Lightning Ascents

7. Patagonia Powder Bowl Shell Pants or cheaper Burton Lucky Shell Pants

That covers the expensive STUFF for the most part all the other things such as new glove liners, new balaclava etc is easy, now I just need a couple thousand dollars

Busy Busy Busy…

So tonight I am heading to Northboro for the AMC’s Advance Winter Hiking Series Class, always can learn more and would like to try some harder hikes this winter, but working out needs to be my priority, after Katahdin I just stopped making it such. Then maybe grab a drink with the “bff” Jason as he seems to need to get out of the house…

Tomorrow is my Friday, YAY…

Friday morning doing a hike with one of the AMC leaders, only to Mt. Tom but still I think we may cover some miles.

Friday night I am headed to dinner, drinks and good times with the ladies, I think we are doing dinner at Bocado then who knows. Figured we would all get dressed up and hit the town, seems like fun to me.

Saturday I am cleaning, cleaning and getting ready for Game Night at my house, board games for us geeks. But may hit up WooDaddy Waffles since they now have Saturday hours from 10-2. Then I am sure a late night with friends playing games, drinking Cabin Fever etc…Can’t wait I love hosting friend nights.

Sunday off to Connecticut for Bridesmaid Dress Shopping with Sam, Jen, and Megan. Not feeling 100% about my body at this moment is not going to help me feel good about a dress, but I have until at least April to fix that.

Sleep as of late has been a luxury that I have not been able to obtain. With age in me appears to be a softer soul, more engraved heart and longer recovery. Way too much on my mind, tossing and turning has become a regular occurance, this morning I said “fuck it” and woke at 4:30, got ready and headed to work, sick of just laying there.

I remember when I was 24 and I told Joel that I could get over anyone in 7 days, done and forgotten. Back then I believe it was true because my heart was never fully open and honestly I always let relationships run their course, I was worn, beaten and exhausted by the time the end came. So the only way to move on was quick.

Not so easy this time for me, a million things I still want to tell him, a million more kisses I still would love to share, but I can’t. Because for the first time in my life I needed to stick with my needs and not compromise them away. Been 3 weeks since the last text was exchanged and 3 weeks and 1 day since I saw his face, even though we were not together even at that point, we still spoke. I think some of my friends get it, and the others just want me to move on and stop bring it up, as much as it became unsafe for me to love him in the end it became unsafe for me to talk about it anymore with my friends. So I play the part, the part that includes me not caring, moving on and no longer feel hurt about the situation.

I have went on a few dates but maybe I am not ready, the old Crystal would have just moved on, forgot all about the soul who didn’t really deserve to have my heart, but I find myself comparing. I compare and judge them on how they can make me laugh most importantly and they have fallen short. They were perfectly good guys, good stable guys where conversation came easy but just not feeling it.

So I need to refocus on me for awhile. My workout regimen I am working on getting back into place, before I met Mike I was at the gym 4 days a week and hiking a couple times a week. Working on getting that back, that I suppose is the only major downfall to being with someone who fitness is not a priority for. Also need to really think about signing up for my RHIT exam and figure out the school situation, not sure I want to continue with UC, may go back to Fisher College. Fitness, Diet and School NEED to be my biggest priorities right now…I need to not be involved with boys right now, they are no good for the well being of this girls mind.

Monday again, why does it always seem to be Monday…

Well I am okay with work this week as it is a 4-day work week with Veterans Day on Friday of this week. Still not sure if that will allow me a night out without having to worry about work the next day or if I will go to bed early and hike on Friday.

Well this past weekend was busy but a good busy. Friday night I called it an early night as I had a hike planned for the morning and after a late night on Thursday I was not much in the mood to do anything.

Saturday I woke up, cooked breakfast and headed up to New Hampshire to Gap Mountain with the 4-Season Hikers Meetup group, there was a LARGE group, for the View and Brew event, hike then hit up Elm City Brewery in Keene. The hike was suppose to be about 3-4 miles and ended up around 6 due to us getting lost. No one had hiked this trail before and the markers are in bad need of being refreshed. We grabbed beers and food at Elm City and I headed home around 2:30, getting home at 4.

During the ride home I text with a few people then Jen A. asked what I was up to because she was having people over for cocktails, so I took a quick nap and then headed to her house for 8pm, I drove a lot on Saturday, about 160 miles round-trip in NH then another 40 to Brookline. So I knew some excessive wine drinking may occur so I planned on crashing in Brookline Saturday evening. So it ended up being a low-key night just Jen, Philip, Costa and a friend of his. I feel asleep around 2ish and was up and headed back to Worcester around 8.

Coming back into Worcester Jason text me so I met him for breakfast at Corner Lunch, then I headed home as I had another busy planned day. Changing the clocks throws me off every Fall, I always need the same sleep. I met up with Mandy at noon to check out an apartment a friend of her sisters is renting out. It was cute 2-bedroom plus office, all remodeled and more than enough space, but a few issues it is located on Boyd Street and for a few reasons this does not work for me, Indian Lake is one neighborhood I will not be moving to and I am not sure Heather’s husband liked the idea of 2 cats and 1 (small) dog. She and I will keep looking, I am trying to get her to hold onto Spring, but I may move sooner as she is the one person I can share a place with when the time comes.

After we parted ways I made a quick stop for a coffee at Starbucks and then to Connecticut to see Kelly, now Kelly and I have known each other since we were 2, she is my oldest of friends but of course our lives went in different directions but we never were not friendly with each other. Well she is going through a divorce after being with him for 10 years but she has a pretty amazing support system in place and she is a smart, strong woman with two beautiful boys. So I spent time with her and the boys until dinner time.

Last night I was in bed by 8pm, exhausted and I feel good this morning, was nice to walk to work in daylight for the first time in awhile. Tonight is knitting with the gals, Wednesday I have my Advance Winter Hiking Course. Should be a good week.

Having a rough day today, somedays are great and others all I think about are the things or people I shouldn’t be. I use to be so much better at walking away and moving on… ”

“I looked out the car window today and Im realizing that I miss you again. Its funny how out of nowhere you came to mind. the truth is, I wish you were still here.“

Sleepy, someday I may figure out that I am getting to old to stay out until 1am and then still jump out of bed at the early hour of 5am for work. At least next Friday is a day off, which means a Dive and Lucky Dog night possibly.

Yesterday after work headed to Cabot Ice Cream down Washington Street in Newtonville for Frozen Tofu, or Non-Dairy Ice “cream” , I had Pumpkin Pie, where they blend Pumpkin Pie into the frozen base, yummy. I then left the shop at 5pm and proceeded to get stuck in the Parking Lot of the Mass Pike, I am SO thankful I work early hours if I had to deal with that commute daily I would slice my own wrist.

By the time I got home it was too late for me to head to the gym so I cooked myself some dinner and then got ready to head out. Jason met up with me at the Dive, a couple drinks turned into 4 (ouch) and a late night which got me in bed around 1 this morning. I chatted with this gal Amanda (who stated she liked my style, coming from a ironically hip gal like her I was okay with). But I chatted, met new people and danced to the band, so it was all worth my utter exhaustion today.

Also decided to start going to Worcester Earn-A-Bikes Ladies Night, learn about maintenance and such, also work towards building my own bike…

Tonight I may not do anything or catch a movie, tomorrow I have a hike in the day and trying to figure out my evening. I was suppose to head to Boston for a friends B-Day outing but I am thinking against it. Sunday checking out that place with Mandy then heading to Connecticut to catch up with my gal Kelly.

I could use low-key because next weekend is going to be busy.

I need to get back into my workout routine, I am having a really hard time as of late.

This started by maybe being with someone where fitness was not a priority, then with knee issues following my Katahdin hike, then sickness for a few weeks. Even smaller hikes are kicking my butt, I haven’t been sleeping well as of late (I see 3:30am way too much, like every morning). So my energy overall is not at its normal peak, which then makes it hard to get myself moving after work and I wake far too early for work to get a good workout in prior.

So my clothes are a bit tight, my ass is not great, I just feel ick. So I need to stop making excuses and get back into the shape I was this summer. I had started eating eggs and some fish again, I think I am going to back off that for a bit too. I need to put me first again, workouts before time with friends, hikes on the weekend instead of staying up too late.

Not sure how I am suppose to meet anyone when I am not feeling so great about me right now, a couple weeks of getting back into the gym and hitting the trails some more and I will feel and look better again… Excuse while I go look at the class schedule for the gym…

I really should just stay in tonight and clean the loft, finish laundry and all the “fun” stuff. I have been on the go since last week and a night in wouldn’t do me much harm.

Last night I had a dinner/drinks and bowling date, was a good time even if I can’t seem to score over a 70, when did I suck so bad at bowling but I am perfectly fine with being bad at it and being a complete jackass at the same time. Had fun but I am sleepy today. This complete darkness on the way to work does not help my spirits, I need some sunshine in my life.

Tonight is the Mr. Smartass Theater at the Lucky Dog, if Kelly goes I may end up checking it out this month. All sort of tentative plans over the next 4-5 days but in reality I am a MAYBE on almost all of them, Mandy wants me to go check out an apartment with her on Sunday (she may get it, move in and I will join her at some point) and I need to see my old friend Kelly at some point on Sunday, she is going through a divorce and needs some girl time. Saturday maybe hiking with a Meetup group or maybe venturing on my own in the snowy mountains in New Hampshire…or I will do absolutely NOTHING all weekend..

Happy Hump Day

“You can’t depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus.”

Mark Twain